Date: 14/12/5015

Run: 1989

Location: Oxenford

       Runners:29

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Tonight’s run took place adjacent to one of my workplaces, the Oxenford Youth and Community Centre, which was indeed fortunate as a few of us had to make good use of the facilities in the centre tonight. The run tonight was brought to you by Flasher as the hare, who went to great pains to emphasise that he was only responsible for the run and had absolutely, repeat…absolutely NOTHING to do with the so-called “nosh” which was “prepared” by Showpony…and I purposely use inverted commas to describe it, but more about that later!!

It has been suggested to me that the run tonight should have been called the Jonestown Massacre run…and for those of you who were present, the following photograph may well remind you of what happened on Monday night…………..

…..yep, there were hashmen all over the place, in various states of gastro-intestinal disrepair!!….some normally hardy souls including Josephine, Sir Blackstump, Swindler, Magician, Sir Prince Valiant, Big O and Bent Banana all succumbed to the noxious offering which had been described as “Show Pony’s Poisonous Pies” which we all thought was supposed to be a bit of a joke, but sadly gents, if it was meant to be a bit of a joke, it certainly backfired BIG TIME!!! I am told that never, repeat..NEVER in the history of hash has there been an intention to harm the participants, but quite frankly, many of us felt that this was indeed the case on Monday…..here is but one sample of several angry emails that I have received today…..

“those hares last night could have killed somebody; seriously. Blackie has had issues with a hole in his stomach, Big O is supposed to have had an ulcer and Now Loved is full of radiation. Josephine & Magician could have had a heart attack and they were obviously in serious discomfort, laying on the ground in agony.That prank may be suitable for adolescents but out of place for us old farts.
I had several good chucks when I got home, by forcing my finger down my throat, as I had serious stomach cramps”.

I can only sympathise with the writer of this email regarding trying to rid his stomach of its vile content because more than one of us tried to do the same thing after ingesting the SHIT that was dished out to us!!…as for whatever else was on offer, which I believe may have been chicken and prawns, well, fuck trying that for a joke!!! I personally was in too much pain and in quite some distress not only at my own pain, but at seeing others suffering equally if not more badly than myself to contemplate having either any of the mains or the dessert that was on offer…and I know that many of us felt the same way.

The run:

Given the events that followed the run, I could not even be bothered with gracing the run with any words….am I offending anybody by adopting this attitude??…see if I give a flying fuck!!! As far as I am concerned, whoever had anything at all to do with organising the debacle ought to seriously consider their future as hashmen, they really should…isn’t it supposed to be about mateship and having a good time together??? Well tonight demonstrated that some don’t give a shit for the welfare of their fellow Hashmen…to see those guys lying on the ground writhing in pain and not give a shit???……I am SO ANGRY!!!! ….and to then have the gall to laugh about it??? Give me a fucking break!! Personally if it had been me that had had anything to do with the events of tonight, I would make a point of absenting myself from Hash until the events of tonight had been long forgotten…SHAME, SHAME, SHAME ON YOU!!!

The Circle:

There were some funny incidents in Circle tonight, but all, in my mind at least, long forgotten and paling into insignificance due to the total fuck up that was tonight…all I can say is that the PRICK OF THE WEEK was well deserved and ought to stay with the recipient in perpetuity!!!

Don’t agree with anything I’ve said???….take it up with somebody who fucking cares!!!…want to have a go at me about what I’ve said???…ohh, please…as they say…have your go!!!

 

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ON A PLEASANT NOTE TO END THE REPORT WITH…..WEEKLY’S SON BRADLEY WILL BE PERFORMING ON CHANNEL 9 THIS SATURDAY AT THE IGA CAROLS SO PLEASE ALL DO WATCH HIM!!!

 Fanny Charmer

On Sec.

 

 

 

Date: 7/12/5015

Run: 1988

Location: Ashmore

Hare: Fullershit

       Runners:30

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Tonight’s run, brought to you from lovely, downtown industrial Ashmore, came to you all courtesy of Fullershit and his lovely wife Lee, to whom he obviously outsourced the cooking, as she was seen to be slaving away at a hot oven at the back of Chateaux Fuller, also known as his industrial shed, from where he runs one of his many business interests, including the world famous on the Gold Coast E-Rider electric bicycle worldwide distribution centre.

On the topic of outsourcing, it is also to be duly noted that Fullershit outsourced the setting of the run to his mate from Darwin Hash, Sorry…errrr….sorry, what was that?….Exactly!!…very confusing!!

The run:

The run headed off down into the normal well-trodden path from Fullershit’s factory…yawn, yawn…here we go again, we all thought…with the only difference being that the run was to be marked with plastic ribbon tied to poles, trees and all sorts of other weird places, with two ribbons indicating a check, three ribbons an on-back or something like that!….anyway, young Sorry must have only gone out to set the run with about three metres of tape to his name ‘cause there certainly wasn’t much of it around!!

The Nosh:

 The Nosh started with nibbles of two dipping jars and corn chips…nice to see the “gourmet” back in this Hash! Mains was a turkey that Fullershit (with my help) managed to massacre, along with a cooked ham….both were delicious and served with potatoes, carrot and assorted other veges, with a nice gravy (Gravox if I am not mistaken)….pity that those at the front of the queue had absolutely no idea at all about portion control and totally disregarded the presence of twenty other blokes at the back when dishing out the turkey for themselves…oh well, at least there was plenty of the ham and it was lovely!!…the crackling was a nice touch……..

but the best part of the Nosh was the theatrical entrance made by none other than KB, who roared down the street in one of his employer’s vehicles, an F-type V8 Jaguar….nice to see you again KB and it was nice to ogle your car. Our GM decided he would like to be taken for a test drive so off they roared up the street with all baffles on the exhaust open…when they returned, the GM was asked if he was going to be putting a deposit on one, his reply was “I already have…I shit myself in the front seat!” …..and with that little episode over, we all tucked into dessert…again a fine gourmet offering of…ummm…I do know there was ice cream with it….oh yes, hang on…that’s right…diced strawberries!!!…and having learnt his lesson, Fullershit was sitting there ensuring that we all only took four pieces of strawberry each! A good effort Fullershit (and Lee)!!

The Circle:

Tonight’s debacle started off with Rug….oh yes, that’s right…he is our long absent GM…..welcoming us all to circle and justifying his absence…..”I was only away for three months you know…it was supposed to have been four!”

First victim in Circle tonight…Fullershit and his Darwin mate Sorry, whom I believe is down here on the Gold Coast doing a quadruple degree at Griffith University in something to do with engineering…or was it a Cert III in arithmetic in order to qualify for all the degrees??? In any case, let’s hope he stays with the Hash as it will get our average age (currently at around 68) down considerably!! Most apologetic was dear Sorry for failing dismally in setting a well-marked run and getting us all totally off-trail, but thanks to the familiarity of the territory, not lost at all!

Now-Loved was welcomed back to Hash and out the front for having lost his passport and other belongings in downtown Bangkok! No further discussions on this topic as to do otherwise would break our golden rule…what happens on tour stays on tour!! Word does however have it that our esteemed GM was responsible for leading Now Loved somewhat astray!

Carefree was then brought out for a down-down for his part in apparently recommending the hotel where all of the disasters unfolded…oh dear!

Bluecard came out for a down-down for leaving his “mark” on the trip to Burma, with Sir Slab commenting that “next time I organise a tour I’m going to have to buy these blokes corks to bung them up!” Apparently, so disgusting was the state of BlueCard’s nether regions that he did not need a passport to cross from Burma into Thailand and he was quickly ushered through the border crossing.

The Prick of the Week award was passed with undue haste and little justification from Fullershit to Sir Prince Valiant…I don’t think that this will be end of this matter!! With SPV muttering something along the lines of “he’s not getting away with this….I’m on Hierarchy”.

 It needs to be said that Mme Latrine was in excellent form tonight, carrying on in Circle like a forlorn schoolboy, gesturing, making appropriate noises and otherwise totally misbehaving, just as one should in Hash!

Nutcracker has now moved to the Gold Coast permanently so is no longer considered a visitor from the Posh Hash in Sydney…pity he’s such an old prick…doesn’t do anything to get our average age down!!

With that…Josephine announced (in the absence of Moonbeams)…end of circle!!

Next week’s run…Courtesy of Showpony and Flasher…from the sporting fields near the pigeon club and cricket club at Oxenford…right by the Oxenford Youth and Community Centre too!

This Weeks Pictures

 Fanny Charmer

On Sec.

 

 

 

Date: 30/11/5015

Run: 1987

Location: Ormeau

Hare: Sir Slab

       Runners:19

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Tonight’s run was the annual SEQ joint GC/Brisbane “I don’t go that far for my holidays” run, held in the upper reaches of the Gold Coast with the boys from the Brisbane Hash. You could tell it was a far away run…there were absences in droves from amongst our ranks, even from the “Northern Alliance” who always whinge about having to travel to the southern (well really it’s the central) part of the coast for many of our runs. Good to see a few of them here though, such as Showpony and Flasher. Nice also to see the return of BlueCard and Hard-On back into the fold, having now recovered from their exploits in Burma.

The run commenced from the carpark of the Norfolk Tavern and Slab’s instructions were absolutely spot on last week… “just go up the M1, take exit 41, first left at the roundabout and at the next roundabout turn right and you’re there”…simple!

Before the run we all made our way into the pub to pre-order our meals, with the younger hashers borrowing seniors cards from the more geriatric of our group to get the special “senior’s meals” for only $13.00!!

The run:

The hares tonight were Sir Slab, Anchovy and Vaso and Sir Slab swept the course, making sure we all stayed on trail. At commencement we were all assured that the run was a maximum of 6.5km and the walk about 3 km, with the latter prompting a response from Showpony… “fuck that for a joke…I’m walking around the block and back into the pub…it’s air-conditioned in there!”.

In the blistering heat which often lingers well into the evening in those parts of the Gold Coast that are away from the ocean, off we headed to the cries of “on, on” onto well marked streets and soon found ourselves in bushland which so far has not succumbed to the bulldozers of the developers. Around houses, through creeks, over culverts, over logs we all went, doing regroups at several of the checks before getting to the official regroup about 4km into the run…I am sure that I wasn’t the only one who hoped there was a chilly bin full of beer at the regroup but it wasn’t to be….bugger it!! To the tune of “Rule Britannia” with a Hash adaption, off we all headed from the regroup to the rhythm of constant huffing and puffing down the last leg of the run. Damn!!…..some of those Brisbane bastards are fit!!!

We eventually all made it back to the carpark where our trusty booze-master, Weekly (no, he didn’t defect back to Rotary… “they probably wouldn’t have me back after the debauchery I’ve been involved in with the Hash!”), had the chilly bins out and ready to be of service to all the Brisbane pisspots, who apparently swelled our coffers beyond anything that we would normally do…onya boys!!…run hard, drink hard!!

The Nosh:

 This is an easy write-up….it was a pub run so the nosh was whatever we ordered from the bistro…and the steaks looked wonderful..my fish and chips was certainly a great meal and terrific value for $13.00…highly recommended venue for any joint runs with the Brisbane lads! To those of you who weren’t there….you missed a great nosh!!

The Circle:

Circle started with our acting GM (hurry the fuck up and come and do your job Rug!!) Sir Prince Valiant welcoming all of the Brisbane guys…(what about us from the Goldie??? We had to drive just as far!!).

Vaso and Anchovy were first out for a down-down for trying to mow Rectum’s grass with Susanna when she got back to Australia…what a hide!!…who would invite such a lovely lass onto a boat for funny business!!!

Truckie was called out the front (yet again!) for his antics in the Philippines…enough said!….same for your truly…again, enough said…and I make no apologies SPV!!

Vaso called out the front by Shat for leaving his undies and toothbrush at Shat Manor when getting ready for going to the Brisbane Grand Masters lunch.

Mme Latrine then made a grand entrance to the middle of the circle to present the Prick of the Week…a very erudite and entertaining rant!!!…three contenders were paraded….Slab, Truckie and Fullershit…with the former two being eliminated and Fullershit being awarded the POW for being kicked out of the Philippines and not making it past the airport arrivals lounge!! Poor bastard!!…You missed a great trip!!

 

This weeks pictures

Next week’s run…From Fullershit’s factory in Ashmore.

Fanny Charmer

On Sec.

 

 

 

Date: 23/11/5015

Run: 1986

Location: Bundall

Hare: Phantom

       Runners:29

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Tonight’s run was held in the wild depths of that suburb where murders take place, where people are attacked in the street, where residents live their lives barricaded behind fortified walls….yes, none other than downtown Sorrento…with that nefarious and rarely seen creature of the night being your hare….the Phantom!!

The run:

“It’s only a short run tonight fellas…about 4km…and the markings are in chalk and flour…international standard markings they are too!” proclaimed our hare at exactly 6.15pm as we all headed off into the depths of danger….. ”oh, and for those of you who stay on trail…there’s a treat…a drinkstop!”

Into Argyle Street we headed and then at the intersection with Campbell Street, we all headed north, following the arrows diligently….a large breakaway pack of runners were seen to be heading on up towards Ashmore Road, led confidently by Sir Two Dogs and other lean, mean running machines……and clearly ignoring the checkpoint which was marked not with the regulation circle, but rather with a large “X” and which very cleverly sent those of us who were paying attention back down in a southerly direction down Campbell Street! Tricky, Phantom…very tricky!!

From there on, in and out of side streets we zigged and zagged!…taking in the sights of downtown Sorrento…at one point coming across a pretty, long-haired jogger, whom we proceeded to pursue for about two kilometres until she peeled off into a cul-de-sac to go home! From that point it wasn’t long until we got to the drinkstop, very kindly manned by Phantom’s brother and son…thanks guys…welcome relief on a hot night!

After the drink stop it was back up along Campbell Street and back to Maison-du-Phantom for the celebrations. In all, a fairly predictable suburban run but a welcome relief after the torture-trail that was the Nerang Forest last week!

The walkers were seen to be strolling here, there and everywhere, and by all accounts had a pleasant and convivial stroll.

Extra-ordinary Heirarchy business:

 A short meeting was held tonight of three members of hierarchy, constituting a quorum and it has been decided that as Aussie has left Hierarchy, we needed somebody who was willing to organise the Christmas function and other such events for the remainder of our tenure as Hierarchy so it has been decided that NASTY is now on Hierarchy and has the official title of “Under Assistant Deputy Director for Cost Reduction of Activities and Piss”…or simply “Minister for CRAP”….phew!! That solves the issue of who is doing all the work in organising the Christmas function!!

The Nosh:

 I know I keep saying it, but yet again it was demonstrated that simple is often best….this week we started off with sausage bites with sauce…and…wait for it….party pies!!!!!!

Mains then consisted of pasta with Bolognese and a very tasty Chow Mein…must have all been good because there was none left of the Bolognese when I went up for seconds!! Dessert was a nice assortment of sliced cake…the moist almond cake was definitely the best!!…it was all low-carb wasn’t it???…oh well, it is almost Christmas!!

Oh, an added treat tonight…BIRTHDAY BEERS from Brewtus, our sole boozemaster tonight (please don’t tell me that Weekly has gone back to Rotary after being called a fatso by Sir Blackstump last week!!). Happy birthday for last week Brewtus..hic! burp!

The Circle:

A big welcome back to Seedy and the returnees from the Philippines and Burma…there are still some stragglers out there somewhere, but good to see you’re all back safely.

Our acting GM, Sir Prince Valiant firstly commended Phantom on the complexity of the run tonight…a run described quite aptly by Miscarriage…. “there was some chalk, but not much…but fuck the run, a lot of us headed off up to Allawah Street to see if there’s been any more stabbings!”

The Nosh was described by Rock Hard as “quite flavoursome” and Phantom proclaimed that “the green stuff was all healthy shit!”.

Truckie was called out the front to answer for the debacle in Burma…to which he replied “Caustic and Flasher are full of shit…I did NOT lose my wallet, I did not lose my money and I did not lose all of my credit cards!!”..oh well, why break with tradition…he got a down-down anyway.

Yours truly was called out for a down-down for stealing Sir Prince Valiant’s splinter lunch guest in Boracay, despite the fact that I saved him from having to pay for her lunch!!

Truckie was called out again for a second down-down for losing his cool in Thailand, falsely accusing a local of stealing his bag when all the time it was tied to his seat on the bus! Ohhh, and what about accusing somebody of stealing his book when all the time it was tucked under his arm??? Gotta love Truckie’s style!!

Next victim in circle…..Swindler out for a down-down for not bringing along a keg of “Swindler Beer”, now apparently available at Dan Murphy’s!! Swindler was followed shortly by Sir Slabb to cop a down-down and answer for his two prangs in the Philippines…neither of which were his fault…LMFAO!!!

The Hobbit…aka Miscarriage was called out the front by SPV to receive a gift from the Philippines…a T-Shirt from the Hobbit House restaurant/bar. He seemed touched by this kind gesture.

Finally, out the front came Brewtus for a well deserved “Hashy Birthday” recital and a thank-you for the birthday beers, which this time were “Tigers” rather than “Crownies”.

With that…thanks Josephine… “end of circle!!”

Next week’s run…a combined run with the Brisbane Hash….from the NORFOLK TAVERN somewhere in the upper northern reaches of the Gold Coast…details on the website guys!

This weeks Pictures

Fanny Charmer

On Sec.

Date: 16/11/5015

Run: 1985

Location: Nerang

Hare: The Swollens

       Runners:21

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Tonight’s run came to us courtesy of our hare, Swollen Colon and his lovely wife, Mrs SW, otherwise known as Leanne and I feel compelled to say that we sometimes forget the effort that the hares put in each week in setting a run for us all, organising a nosh, including all of the inevitable running around buying stuff and then bringing it all together on the night….and all in the name of mateship and with a sense of generosity…it’s appropriate to remember that the Hash is all about friendship and all of us putting ourselves out for each other…so a big thankyou everyone who makes an effort on their run and those who help in any small way each week to make the runs fun for us all….and again it is timely to also remember that our two booze-masters lug all the Eskys and ice for us week in and week out..thanks Weekly and Brewtus!

To the run….what the hell is Swollen Colon doing out of his postcode two weeks in a row???? Surely this is unprecedented!!! Yes, here we were in the depths of 4211, way, way away from 4217, at the Nerang Velodrome for a tortuous run through the Nerang Forest, which I understand is Swollen Colon’s regular training ground. …lucky for yours truly that he saw some Hashers going into the venue otherwise I would never have known that we were congregating inside the velodrome in the undercover veranda of the pavilion….you learn something new every day!!

The run:

We were all called to attention by Swollen Colon using a megaphone and with the sound of a bombing raid horn and the runners were assured that the run was going to be tough and that we likely would not be back before 8.00pm…did Circumference know something I didn’t, because this was the first time I have seen him carrying a bottle of water on a run…and as for Miscarriage, why the need for an emergency stash of cash on the run??

Off we set to the instructions from the hare…. “go up that way” and we all thought we’d be straight into the depths of the forest when to our surprise, after a short distance on the bike track and a short stint in the forest, we were back out on the street and heading towards the pony club. After a short while, sure enough, into the forest we went and that is when the “fun” started. Up and around, up and around we went, making sure that we did not get separated….at least not in the early stages….shortly into the run, Josephine and Circumference thought they’d had enough… “home’s that way…fuck it…we’re going back otherwise we’ll never get out of here!!” one of them was heard to mutter as they headed off down the path.

The rest of us kept going…and going and going…and suffice to say that we did all get separated in the end, despite efforts to stay together…at one stage, feeling totally lost, yours truly heard Botcho saying in the distance “trust me, I’m a Hasher!” before losing sight of him for the rest of the run…yours truly was left with Miscarriage and Brewtus for support, with others breaking off into their own little groups and taking various shortcuts when they realised where the trail went. Yours truly and Miscarriage took tumbles…one in my case and two for Miscarriage…it certainly can get dangerous out there in the woods!!…and thanks Miscarriage and Brewtus for staying back with me whilst I recovered from my fall!

At one stage, at the top of a ridge, we were all feeling like members of that lost African tribe of pygmies…the “Fuck-Are-We”…with all of us declaring that we were members of it, calling out “we’re the Fuck-Are-We!!”…All in all it was a great run, as they tend to be in the Nerang Forest, and when we complained back at base camp about the lack of paper on the run, the hare said that his run must have been sabotaged as he had marked it well that morning with toilet paper! Anyway, eventually we did all make it back, despite the fact that there was 500 metres between markings for most of the run. The run came in at around 7.5 km for most of us so not too shabby at all.

The Nosh:

 Yet again it was demonstrated that simple is often best….Lovely roast lamb casserole, with lashings of peas, potatoes and carrots for mains, with soft, fresh bread rolls on the side…..simple and tasty…and for dessert we had apple pies warmed on the open fire…it doesn’t get much better than this!!!! Again, thanks to the hare and Mrs Colon for their efforts. The twenty runners seemed to lap it all up….many of us went back for seconds and Blackstump was heard to say to Weekly, in his usual diplomatic style…”fuck, no wonder you’re so bloody fat!”…oh dear, let’s hope Weekly isn’t offended enough to go back to Rotary for another twenty years!!

The Circle:

Tonight into the circle we welcomed two visitors, Nutcracker from the Posh Hash in Sydney and Miscarriage’s nephew from Adelaide, Blake…out for a down-down they came and then Blake went out the back for a quick ciggie…makes you sick how these young folk can abuse their bodies but run like the wind!!!

Miscarriage came out for his regular down-down, this time for not only falling over twice on the run but for also losing $100 that he had stuck in his sock. Some lucky mountain bike rider with good eyes is going to be very happy!! Jigsaw and yours truly did consider for a fleeting moment whether we should re-do the run to see if we could find the money, but decided that going home to watch Q&A was a much better idea.

Josephine came out for a down-down on the pretext of being involved in the re-naming of one of the world’s most expensive diamonds to the “Blue Moon of Josephine”!!

Yours truly was the subject of a charge from the floor by Miscarriage and was called out for a down-down, accused of being an ISIL sleeper agent!! I must stop wearing that stupid little beanie in circle!!

Caustic gave us an update on the goings-on in Burma……Truckie has lost all his money, his credit cards and his phone…yawn, yawn, what a surprise! Moonbeams has survived the scooter ride but is bleeding from all sorts of funny places…keep it up champ…live life!!

And that is about all for tonight’s run…circle closed by Josephine… “end of circle”!!

This Weeks Pictures

Fanny Charmer

On Sec.