Run : 1848
Date : 2nd April 2013
Hare : Cumsmoke
Venue : Northern End, Pratten Park, Broadbeach
Runners: 21
Weeks till Cumsmoke sets a decent run – ?
Surely we can’t have disaster two weeks in a row? Don’t bet on it.
Cumsmoke, Run and Nosh are three words which never appear together in the same sentence surely. It’s as foreign as Olives in a Salad, but with these brave words, Easter Monday was looking far from being another miraculous Resurrection.
Run 1848 was vaguely advertised as starting from the northern end, Kurrawa Park, Broadbeach on Cumsmoke’s specific instructions to our esteemed webmaster. An early Monday morning phone call from Hare to Trail Master, advising he would not get back from Melbourne in time to set his run, fell on deaf fluffy Easter Bunny ears, as Sir Rabbit is a very wise and knowledgeable Leporid and knew immediately to fob this off as a nasty (sorry Simon) April Fool’s joke.
The knowledgeable pack, ignoring Cumsmoke’s lack of research as to his starting point, gradually started to assemble at the northern end of Pratten Park, Broadbeach and enjoyed the passing parade of eye-candy to boot, as they waited with baited breath for the Hare to arrive and reveal all.
Disaster again looked on the horizon, as the Hare headed into the park from a northerly direction, clutching his trail marking materials. Like the Stove Pipe atop the Vatican it spewed white smoke worth and like the newly elected Pope Francis, Cumsmoke waved sheets of paper in front of the faithful and duly pronounced “I have been given these blessed run instructions” and making the sign of the Cross by pointing North then South then East then West” shouted “it’s that way and if you go past the Booze Bus you’re not on trail!”
With paper in hand, the pack set forth, reading Cumsmoke’s Epistle to the Runners
South to the Hedges
Left before right, cross the crossing, go round a roundabout
2+5=traffic lights before Burleigh Heads
Etc etc etc
Miscarriage and Caustic ended up at Miami Headland returning via Mrs Ferret’s, as they tried to find Margaret which was mentioned in the Epistle.
Flasher ended up on Bundall Road looking for a roundabout. Bent Banana and Black Stump never saw each other on the “trail”. Ferret decided not to follow “trail” and ate the paper on the assumption it would be better Nosh than the Hare’s presentation.
The walkers walked their walk and the bulk of the pack was back inside 35 minutes, each one coming in from a different direction. Circumference summed the run up in the Circle, stating it was the first Hash run he had ever done in 28 years of Hashing, where there were NO ARROWS OR TRAIL MARKINGS.
But wait, it get’s better !! The Hare actually appeared with a large Esky, which actually contained FOOD and actually started to prepare an entrée of Bruschetta. Well not quite. Kitchen Bitch cooked up some toast rounds, spooned the pre-prepared contents onto the crispy croutons and served it to the masses, while the hid Hare hid behind the BBQ and had a fag. Much to KB’s discomfort, in the middle of his cooking duties, Blackstump called him out as last to pay. Not having any cash on board as the chicken run had not sold any eggs this week, KB was forced to pay his dues in kind and handed over three dozen of his finest to settle the debt.
Thus followed BBQ’d Dog Turds and Chicken Entrails on skewers, accompanied by creamy white stuff A and creamy white stuff B, both served from plastic containers. As with these words, any resemblance to actual truth or in this case food, was purely coincidental and results of the Forensic Laboratory tests, ordered by the GM, will be published next week.
Not that it was all bad. Dessert materialised in the form of baby Lamingtons, drowning in 20 litres of off-the-shelf custard. As Nosh goes, it didn’t.
Circle was called by the newly returned Grand Master, who gave us a 15 minute run-down on his travels across the ditch and the virtues of Kiwis and their country, honouring both Sir Slab and Botcho for being good Kiwis and coming to Australia and bringing all their indigenous friends with them to boost the populations of Logan and Beenleigh.
The Hare was brought forward and Sir Prince asked to comment on the paper markings and results. Finding difficulty with reading while running and not knowing North from South nor East from West, Sir Prince described in no uncertain terms how he ended up at the Surfers Paradise Transit Centre, totally alone and confused. He was thankful for the written instructions though, as the centre’s toilets were out of paper when nature called. Ice man described it as a Wayne Swan run, the run you have when you’re not having a run. Sir Prince awarded 4.5 / 10.
Nosh was described as soggy, burnt bread, turds on sticks with no olives. No olives meant no salad therefore no lettuce leaves, which severely upset Sir Rabbit who suggested no funds be forthcoming for the Hare.
The GM then named the 7 persons who have been nominated by proxy, for the new 2013/14 Hierarchy. Calling Iceman forward to review his suitability for Hash Cash, he asked a simple mathematics question being “If Cumsmoke gave you $100 and said he hasn’t paid for three weeks and you owed him $40 for Nosh, how much change would you give him?” Quick as a flash Iceman responded “$95”. Incorrect replied the GM, the correct answer is “Nothing, I’ll keep the change for next week”.
Returning runners Bent Banana, Ferret and Kwakka were given Down Downs and the Circle handed to the RA. He commenced with a round robin of the Circle asking what everyone did over Easter. Some interesting activities, but none better than Flasher who said he didn’t do anything at all, “very boring” was his comment. “No wonder” yelled Caustic, “that’s because it’s a Christian Celebration and you’re a bloody Muslim!”
POW Miscarriage was next at centre. He proceeded to read a letter from a very frustrated Hash wife, in which she complained that she and her husband never seemed to “finish” at the same time, that said husband always took much longer to “get there” and that she was much more adventurous and got into “top gear” much quicker than hubby ever could. She respectfully requested his Hash mates to let him know this and do something about it. Miscarriage strongly advised Sir Prince to get rid of the old one-speed bike he bought in 1972 for $50 and upgrade to one that could keep up with the Princess.
A speedy resolve to the POW ensued, with only one nominee guilty of not providing sufficient directional instructions for the run, skulling the custard from the bottle while serving his hash mates the same contents for dessert, pulling a piss poor April Fool’s Joke on Sir Rabbit and last but not least denigrating Miscarriage’s beloved Carlton’s 5 point win over, you guessed it, Cumsmoke’s Richmond. Well at least the Hare got some recognition for his run.
Iceman was given an RDO from Joke Juty and RA handed back to the GM. Presents to the GM from returning runners Testicles via Flasher – a wooden Papaya carving thingy from Cuba explaining that Papaya in Cuban means “Vagina”. In keeping with that theme, Ferret present Bent Banana with a half smoked Cuban cigar, but couldn’t remember where the other half was left.
Next Week’s run is a fill-in for Rock Hard and will be hosted by the Sirs at the Rabbit Warren.
Blackie reminded us all of the re-resurrected ANZAC Day Bike-a-thon at Pizzey Park on 25th April.
Sir Slab is managing some of the Aussie Nash Hash Gold Coast runs and in particular the Pre-Lube on 1st May, also at Pizzey Park. He requests you advise him if you will be attending the Pre-Lube – cost $30 including a run, a grand circle by Sir Prince, on the same hallowed grounds where the GCHHH held the inaugural Aussie Nash Hash in 1985, a grand giveaway and dinner at the Rugby Club
Unfortunately our CCCCCCC was not in attendance due to the return of his bed warmer, acting CCCCCCC Josephine also MIA, so GM called EOC.
Thanks to KB yet again, for risking his own life to prepare those things on sticks and using his beer to put out the burning toastie thingos, only to realise that the smoke was coming from the Hare’s smouldering fag.
On On
Acting On Sex – Crocodile
PS All this is a true reflection of the evening’s events except for those words between “Run” and “Fag”
PSS It is totally false that Rectum has disappeared up his own name and will never be seen again
PSSS Don’t forget to bring your AGPU award / trophy / silverware / trash back for Blackie so he can melt them down and make new ones
PSSSS Don’t worry Flasher, you aren’t odds on to win the Serial Pest Award this year, its 1.1/1