Ballpoint’s Not The Run Report

Why let the truth stand in the way of a good story?

Not the Run Pictures

A beautiful balmy evening was the setting for this most historic Hash night. Whilst other less committed and less civilised hashers decided to “stroll along the Broadbeach beach front”, this bunch of hardened and hungry-for-a-genuine-Hash junkies rolled up at this most blessed of hashing site i.e. Nerang State Forest.

The chat was convivial but detached as participants – conscious of social distancing guidelines – kept their distance. Upon hearing that Boags Premium was designated Hash brew for the evening, Elder statesman Flasher, a bloke deemed in the high risk category, was overheard saying: “this is what Hash is all about…tough bush runs and not a sign of Corona anywhere…”

Hare BallPoint called in the baying mob and with some final bullshit instructions set them on their merry way. Fifteen minutes later and Cum Smoke burst through the Tom Rose Park gates and screeched the ute to a stop, inches away from a bloody big gum tree. “Sorry BallPoint, I ended up at Kurrawa for some stupid reason but it’s a morgue over there. Where’s the in-trail? See yuh”

About 65mins later and the entire pack returned all together and thirsty as buggery. The rewarding sound of beer cans and stubbies being popped was music indeed. Amid the cacophony of chat and laughs, Sir Botcho assumed stand-in GM responsibilities and immediately called the Hare into the Circle while commenting how he’d enjoyed the run. To his question: “What did you think of the run”? Flasher jumped in: “It was a fucking great run but then that what we’ve cum to expect from BallPoint. I wouldn’t otherwise bother with the softcock GCH3 runs, but I make an effort for BallPoint’s runs in the forest.” Cum Smoke added: “Loved every sweaty minute of it… credit to the Hare”. 2KY Jelly scored the run thus: “Fucking awesome run but far from perfect” he said solemnly, “full marks for run site choice, full marks for run design and imagination, full marks on run distance and degree of toughness but marks have to be deducted for the lack of a piss stop and for the lack of big tits. That totals 68/100.”

Sir Botcho then called for “Charges from the Run” to which he added: “I’ll kick things off by charging the Hare for using poo paper to set the run at a time when supermarket shelves are being plundered and civil war has erupted as a result;

2KY Jelly was charged (Flasher) for “wantonly destroying our natural fauna” as he went about slaughtering cane toads at will;

The Hare was charged (Cum Smoke) for escalating mass starvation in Malawi after he admitted to using Maize Meal flour in setting the run; his defence that cheap flour is non-existent at all good supermarkets was deemed “too bloody bizzare to believe”;

The Hare was charged (Sir Botcho) with too many ‘On-backs’ which caused the pack to run too close together, that being contrary to current social distancing guidelines;

2KY Jelly was charged (BallPoint) for getting confused at the third On-back and leading the pack down the wrong trail;

Flasher was charged (Sir Botcho) for using his Hash shirt to wipe his arse after nature called while he was ‘checking out’ at second check;

All charges were successfully settled with Hash brew down downs to the offenders and the singing of bawdy Hash songs.

Stand-in GM Sir Botcho then called for Charges from the Floor and immediately set the tone by charging BallPoint for “showing abject disrespect towards the GCH3 most beloved GM Iceman;

Flasher was charged for intentionally missing his flight to his retirement home in Coronavirus infected shithole Portugal; his excuse that he chose to Hash a proper Hash instead of risking plane travel was most compelling but the charge stood;

Miss Carriage was charged in absentia (2KY Jelly) for being a ScoMo acolyte or someone who squats to pee or both; look-alike Sir Botcho was honoured to ‘down’ on his behalf;

Flasher was charged (BallPoint) for being disrespectful to GCH3 beloved GM Iceman;

Sir Botcho was charged (BallPoint) for masquerading as the great Sky broadcaster, Paul Murray Live;

BallPoint was charged (Cum Smoke) for perpetuating the Corona virus instead of flattening his bulging curve;

2KY Jelly was charged (Flasher) for being Victorian, both by way of birthright and world view;

BallPoint was charged (2KY Jelly) for being derelict in his duty to educate his proteges i.e. boozemasters extraordinaire ArseNic, Skyhook and Pepe Le Spew on how to snub authority / establishment and behave like proper Hashmen. (In late News: subject boozemasters were spotted on Monday evening drinking left-over Hash piss at Surfers whilst chatting up scantily clad Meter Maids. BallPoint was said to be much relieved)

Cum Smoke was charged (BallPoint) for being very disrespectful to GCH3 beloved GM Iceman;

Swollen Colon was charged in absentia for going to the wrong Hash site; look-alike Sir Botcho was honoured to ‘down’ on his behalf;

Perpetual worry wart Flasher was charged (Sir Botcho) for being happy. “This is the happiest I’ve been since running the midnight nude run at the Kuala Lumpur Interhash in 1998” he said with obvious glee.

2KY Jelly was charged (BallPoint) for being most disrespectful to GCH3 beloved GM Iceman;

Sir Botcho was charged (Cum Smoke) for not being disrespectful to GCH3 beloved GM Iceman;

Cum Smoke was charged (BallPoint) for initially going to the wrong Hash site; his defence that he “immediately made good my terrible mistake” was duly considered and dismissed at once;

Brewtus was charged (Sir Botcho) in absentia for being a model hubby (“my missus is a bit panicky and needs me at home”); look-alike Flasher was honoured to ‘down’ on his behalf.

BallPoint was charged (2KY Jelly) for “doing a BallBag” in fucking up the punchline of a joke;

Sir Botcho was charged (BallPoint) for attempting to hash ‘incognito’ by impersonating Hash legend Sir Rabbit;

All charges were successfully settled with Hash brew down downs to the offenders and the singing of Hash songs.

As the Prick of the Week was absent and current circumstances being what they are, a special award was created: The Corona Virus. BallPoint was the only nomination charged for being an abject arsehole to the GCH3 beloved GM Iceman. (Flasher’s attempts to defend BallPoint’s Hash integrity were in vain and the charge stood). For his penance BallPoint was immediately quarantined in a Corona free box and whisked away.

Next week’s run is to be confirmed but Cum Smoke strongly suggested that we all return to Hash Heaven.

At 9.05pm, Sir Botcho called the Hash hi-jinks to an end.

ON ON

Stand-in-Scribe (SiS)

p.s. Resident in-Hash historian Carefree is currently on a WEB (Well Earned Break) but has promised to produce a riveting read about how the hills and streams and fauna and flora of Nerang State Forest came to be.

 

 

 

 

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