Hares: Kitchen Bitch
THE BITCH and THE HUMAN HEADLINE
“Good evening viewers and welcome to HINCH: the Human Headline. It’s really fantastic to be back in the chair, doing what I was born to do and absolutely loving it.”
“Before anything else, I want to extend my thanks and deep gratitude to all of you out there, my audience, who have supported me during my time inside, 3 years of imprisonment on the contentious charge of ‘Contempt of Court’, a spurious charge if ever there was one. I admit, of course, that I did expose and named the pedophiles, the sex offenders, the degenerates who crawl all over our society preying on our most vulnerable. Call it a crusade, call it what you will, but as long as blood is boiling in my body, I will not be deterred in exposing this scandal and those in high places who aid and abet it.”
“Tonight, we have for you, an EXCLUSIVE exclusive; we go deep inside a dark and murky world of men who meet in secret places, men who- for whatever reasons- feel the need to change their names, men who drink and who participate in drunken rituals, men with a secret language that we mere mortals can never understand. And for the first time on television, we will bring you an interview with the Grand Master of this clandestine group, a man that goes by the name of Kitchen Bitch or, as he prefers, The Bitch….make of that what you will viewers.”
“And in another first for this network, we have coaxed Australia’s most decorated investigative journalist out of retirement, Mike Willesee will be with us shortly, live with his devastating report….”
Hinch (H): Are you there Mike? Can you hear me?
Mike Willesee (MW): Yes Derryn, loud and cIear. I’m here deep in the Tallebudgerra valley of the Gold Coast and as you can see behind me there is action aplenty. Men, grey old men to be exact, are gathering together, shaking hands, joking around and talking animatedly. The atmosphere would appear to be one of fun and friendship but who knows what the real purpose of this gathering could be…
H: I can see a lot of bright coloured shirts and shorts and caps with writing on them, what do you make of that Mike?
MW: That’s correct Derryn, the men are all wearing colourful clothing with pictures of feet, bottles of beer and rabbits on surf boards etc all, it seems to me, as an act of diversion from the real purpose of their meeting.
H: Indeed! And who’s that tall fellow with the Borneo headdress and yellow t-shirt referring to the G-Spot? Is he really drinking a stubby of beer or are my eyes deceiving me?
MW: That, I am told, is the Grand Master, a man held in much esteem and respect but also a man who rules by the fist and is feared….. and yes Derryn, you’re 100% correct he is drinking a stubby of beer. We have been told that he is willing to talk to us but as yet the time and place for this interview is a mystery.
H: And what’s happening now Mike, why are the men gathering around the Grand Master?
MW: The Bitch is giving final instructions. He is saying that this will be a “great challenge” and that those men who are “not up to it” should go only part of the way and pull out. I’m not entirely certain what it all means but it is clears that whatever crime these men are going to commit, whatever sacrifice they are about to perform, it will invariably happen somewhere else. I will be following them to get to the bottom of this.
H: Ok Mike and good luck, it looks to me like you’re going to need it.
“We’ll take a break and be back with more of HINCH in just a tick. Do not go away.”
“Welcome back viewers. Before the break, Mike Willesee was hot on the trail of a bunch of blokes who had set off into the bush to commit who knows what. Are you with me Mike?
MW (huffing and puffing): We’re deep in the bush Derryn and it is clear to me that this is a most suspect operation. The men are all running along a trail which has been clearly marked with toilet paper. What could that mean? Why toilet paper? The men are using a special code to keep together, regularly calling out “on on” and “are you?” and “checkin” and “on paper”. We’ve also come to ‘special’ places where circles are drawn on the pathway with arrows pointing in different directions. This is obviously a devious tactic to elude the authorities and / or the police just in case they were following them.
On a more personal level Derryn, I am finding this a very pleasant trail to be on. We’re now at the bottom of the valley and there’s a very picturesque water course running through there which we’ve had to overcome several times but, that being said, it’s a very pleasant spot indeed. However, it is now starting to get dark, the sun has disappeared and the men all have turned on their torches. They are still running hard and I am struggling to keep up with them. They have regrouped on several occasions which has helped me stay in touch with them. The men would appear to now be following someone who goes by the name of Stumpy. He is one of the older, more experienced blokes in the pack which is probably why the rest are following him so blindly.
I’ve just heard one of them, a man called Fanny something or other, say: “we’ve been running for an hour, we shouldn’t be too far now…” so it looks like we’re close to destination. Bear with me Derryn.
We’re climbing up now and the terrain is rough and tough. Apart from tree branches and roots making life treacherous for running, I’ve also been scratched and cut by many thorn bushes. I’m totally knackered Derryn.
I’ve arrived at an intersection and I can see one torch light has turned left and gone up the hill while the rest of the pack has turned right down the hill. What do I do? I can hear the lone runner up the hill calling out “on back, on back” but I have no idea what he means by that.
H: Ok Mike, we’ll leave it there and go to a break. Back with you shortly…..
Welcome back to HINCH viewers and to an incredibly important development in our investigation of a clandestine bunch of boofheads running around in the bush with evil on their minds. Mike Willesee is in hot pursuit but at last report he was at a crossroad, not knowing which way to go. Are you there Mike?
MW: I’m with you Derryn and I am now reporting to you before this residence where all the men have now entered. The Grand Master has been in touch and advised me to come in but to be careful of his “guard”, a mare called Misty. I can see her down there at the bottom of the driveway, eyeing me out suspiciously, but I will endeavor to tippy toe past her …
Here we are on the back deck of the residence and, apart from the chandelier hanging in the centre of it, it all looks so very conventional: dining tables, cutlery, dining plates etc…….but who knows what lurks behind this semblance of normality.
The men are now absorbed in bantering, laughing and drinking. One of the men, Flasher, is heatedly explaining why it is very important to expel all Muslims out of Australia and let all the New Zealanders in. Another man, Full of Shit, is arguing that English cricket is not the joke that every pundit says it is, and that losing to Afghanistan was a very cunning plan which Baldrick would be most proud of. The fact that mother England would not, for the first time in cricketing history, be making the World Cup finals is, according to FoS, “another way of displaying England’s obsessive PC mentality through acknowledging that we have taken much from the Commonwealth and it was time to give something back”.
There is group of men behind me who have rallied around the man they call Stumpy… the man who got them lost. By all accounts he is a star, being the Veteran’s Class world champion in Triathlon, Biathlon, Swimathon and Marathon. But tonight he’s been pronounced a clown, a dud, a useless old bugger who got the rest of his running mates ‘lost’. A besides-himself Brewtus, one the ‘lost’ men is ripping into him: “you’re fucking too old for this caper Stumpy and it’s time you were put out to pasture. The only thing you’d be marginally good for is reading nursery rhymes to your great-great-grand children. Come to think of it, you’d be fucking useless at that too coz you’re fuckin’ blind.”
H: Can you describe what’s happening now Mike, it looks highly suss to me?
MW: The men have sat down to dinner Derryn. As this is his birthday, the Grand Master has prepared a special feed of Seared Tasmanian Scallops on a chilled slice of Warwick Watermelon for Entrée, Roasted Rosemary Lamb and Vegetables with Plum jus for Main Course and, for dessert, Lady Fingers Banana cake with a scoop of homemade Ice Cream. The Bitch has invited me to partake and let me tell you Derryn, it is bloody restaurant class; I do not recall lamb tasting this wonderful. And the glassh or three of McLaren Valley Shiraz I had with it hash topped the meal to an abshhhhhholute tee.
H: Ok, thanks Mike but could you please get back on the case? And put that beer down while you’re doing it?
MW: Yesh shure Hinchy, I’m on to it. The men have formed a chircle and a lively dishhcusshion is taking place. That bloke talking is BallPoint and he is shaying that it waj a (beep beep) great run and a (beep beep) great feed. Shorry ‘bout my lingo Hinchy but I was repeating what BallPoint waj shaying. That’s Joshephine over there and he crapped on about (beep beep) knows what……Shorry Hinchy…
H: When do you get to interview The Bitch himself?
MW: Very shoon Hinchy, very shoon…..
MW: Grand Mashter, welcome to Hinchy and shank you for taking the time…
Grand Master (GM): It’s a pleasure to be here Mike for I’ve been a fan of yours for a very long time. And I for one think it was an absolutely travesty that you were sacked for being pissed on the set of Willesee Tonight. Personally, I thought it was a bloody hoot and a breakthrough in TV viewing.
MW: Shanksh Grand Mashter, it was one of my better moments…….Can you deshcribe what thissh organisashion ish all about. And cheers by the way on your shixty shix birthday…
MG: Cheers Mike and thank you for your good wishes. The Hash House Harriers have been around for a very long time
MW: Hash Houshe Hashiers what? Jeejj that’s hard to shay.
MG: Hash House Harriers Mike. Essentially, we’re a drinking club with a running problem.
MW: Shhhhure, shhhhure I undershhtand but why the shhheecret, names like Flasher…. Now Loved…. Mishhh Carriage….Fanny whatshit…..Bitch…All to do wishhh sexshh etc. What are you trying to hide here Bitchhhhh?
MG: Pseudonyms are part and parcel of being a hasher Mike. It’s all done for amusement and for frivolous fun. That’s why we get together, to have a laugh, down a beer or two, socialize.
MW: Shhhure shhochialijing is shho important……all the better wish Shiraj….. cheers Bitchhhhy….. but why all the shheecreshy and the shacrifishesh?
MG: Ha, ha, ha….There is nothing secretive about the Hash House Harriers. We have a website, anybody can join us…….all you need is an open mind and a commitment to having a bit of fun. Cheers Mike.
MW: Yesh, I can shhee that… cheers.
I’m feeling shhlightly pisshed…..
This Mike Willishee shining orf….
Hinch: Well, there you have it viewers…… there can be no doubts that this is a very suspicious organization indeed. I ask you: why do these men go to these extraordinary lengths to hide, to deceive and to pretend to be what they are not? And why the sexual innuendo in adopting names like Fanny, Rabbit, Bitch Josephine, Now Loved, Flasher, Hard On and Rock Hard?
And why, if this is just a weekly social event among mates, does it need to steal MY NAME, MY IDENTITY ‘HHH’ (Hinch the Human Headline) in order to appear legitimate in the eyes of the law and of the general public who adore me?
It is time that this creepy cancer is removed from our midst and I call on the authorities to do what they are paid to do that is, make our suburbs safe and our communities secure.
My name is Derryn Hinch and I AM the Human Headline.