Run 1755
Hare: Swollen Colon
Location: Olympic Court, Southport
Date: 20th June 2011

Runners: 28

Weeks to AGPU: 50

Firstly I must thank Swollen for the great mystery prize of an ironing board cover etc as it actually went over as a treat to Mrs Two Dogs, who knew the product, how much it was worth and even advised that we actually also have one of our own. However that’s where the joy ended. And thanks to Bent Banana for waiting as he could have continued running and would have won the prize for himself, being the closest to finishing at the mystery time.

The venue was Swollen’s factory at Southport, at which the car park was adorned with numerous ironing boards (No doubt Swollen’s antique ironing board collection). This giving ex GM, Flasher a flutter of excitement and something that will no doubt stir up Goatfarka when he sees the photos (he’ll probably go on a rampage and acquire them for mass fish filleting practices). Of note too was the excellent fire with ironing board being used as a grate to cook dinner on and the now familiar fruit stall. Ferret had also brought along some of his treasured Hash magazines and Year Books, donating them for others to read. I’m sure with a bit of persuasion we could conscript Swollen into turning his factory into a Hash apparel emporium providing us with a complete and only finest of garb for now and the future.

The run brief began with explanations that the trail could involve pink paint, yellow paint, chalk, flour and or paper and was on and right up the hill. The only problem was that whilst the fluoro paint may look great in the daytime it was barely visible at night. Somehow the pack managed to still find their way to the bush at the end of the street, where we continued on pink paint and paper. After a while we emerged at the main road and headed back around towards and past home, a very dangerous practice. We lost most of the pack previously with others heading west before stumbling across the home trail far too early. The remainder of us went north, then west past the council depot and back into some bush before again emerging on Wardoo Street.

By now only Rectum, Bent Banana, Veteran, Blackstump, Rock Hard and I were left and spent some time at the check opposite Johnstone Street trying to find the trail. We finally continued on the path parallel to Smith Street, with Blackstump declaring enough is enough and heading for home. The remaining 5 followed the trail back into the bush across the paddock and into the back streets near the Uni.

We eventually emerged near Bunning’s on Olsen Avenue and trudged wearily up the hill and back to Southport Nerang road and then back to where we were before, apparently missing the home trail somewhere past Bailey Crescent (probably where the yellow paint trail was hidden). After some one hour and 17 minutes we emerged back to the waiting pack.

Lucky for Swollen, as in the old days this would have resulted in 17 minutes on the ice.

Soon the fine meal of curries, greens and spuds was served up on the ironing board trestles and the pack soon made short work of the feast provided. The GM then adorned his Cop hat and baton and declared the circle open, being held around a ring of now carefully positioned ironing boards (another first). The run critique by Rectum gave it a good wrap with a 7 from 10 mark, however Rug was a bit less generous giving it a 6. Ferret commented on the food saying it lacked sweets but otherwise good.

Down Downs:
Swollen Colon: Hare

Swollen Colon: 69 runs

Moonbeams: 500 runs (Sub Committee being formed to investigate claimed extra 1500 runs with Sydney)

Sir Point Two: 1000 runs (gifted with priceless & tailored Sports Jacket)

Bob: Now named Bondage (due to Alan Bond look alike)

Roy (ex Barnacle): Now named The Big Orifice, or Big O for short

RA Josephine took over proceedings instigating the rule of left hand held drinks only, being watched over by Rug.

Further down downs went to:

Kitchen Bitch & Flasher: Only ex Hierarchy present being punished for avoiding down downs at AGPU

Flasher: Ex GM being punished for nominating Josephine for Worst Nosh award and then being dumb enough to give him unprecedented powers as the new RA.

Flasher: Wasting energy by leaving hot water running in factory

Bondage, Big O & Rug: For holding drinking vessel in right hand (and Rug for not noticing)

Show Pony, Sir Prince Valiant, & VD: Returning runners

Bent Banana: POW as nominated by Flasher (f..ked if I can remember what for)

Big O: Mobile going off in circle

Sir Prince Valiant also gave us a short brief on some happenings (something to do with certain person being evicted from the Ritz) at the royal wedding but preferring to wait until Miscarriage’s return before giving a comprehensive wrap up.

The night finished with a David Copperfield impersonation by Flasher (magic trick) and a joke by Swollen to top off another good night
For your info the “other” Down Down tune being used by the GM goes like this:

“He ought to be publically pissed on,
He ought to be publically shot,
He ought to be tied to the urinal and left there to fester and rot,
Drink mother…ker, drink mother…ker etc”

That is all,
On On from “The Desk”



Run 1754
Hares: Cumagen & Caustic Crusader
Location: Wood Choppers Inn. Mudgeeraba
Date: 13th June. 2011

Apparently there’s still 51 weeks to go so f..ked if I know what happened!

The Hares need not have worried about changing the venue as new GM, Shat, had everything under control and phoned RA, Josephine, from his mountain temple and asked that the gods looked down upon us with compassion, and so it was to be. However if you were someone who actually listened to the weather report we were supposed to be swimming in 100mm of torrential downpour and 100km/h winds, so Cumagain decided the best course of action was to fall back on the old “envelope” run routine where 8 envelopes were handed out to various “reliable” members and off we went, down and west.

After having already seen envelope one’s finish spot at the start, I opened my number #2 envelope to reveal the second leg, a couple of 100 metres onwards and on back where someone handed me envelope #3 (pattern emerging here). We then drifted further south then turning down some familiar paths from many runs gone by. A couple of the ex Hierarchy were seen shortcutting (Caustic and Flasher I think) but soon came undone in the slop hidden beneath the surface. Then we got to the next stage, which seemed to catch a few off guard as nothing seemed like it was meant to be.

We finally emerged where we thought we were, but weren’t really, but in fact some 100 metres north and parallel (making sense here). The confusion continued for a while but we finally emerged at the right place and again on trail. The recipients of the maps, unable to see without glasses, kept handing me the maps until we finally emerged at our last legs along Somerset drive and then the seemingly easy short cut across the footy field, with most except Rectum being turned back by the creek crossing.

Back at home base, outside the Wood Choppers Inn, we delved into the Hash version of the farmers markets with Jigsaw and KB providing the Fresh Fair, while the rest paid the $5.00, overseen by Eagle Eyed Blackstump, and made good on the beverages provided. Then it was inside to the bar and fireplace where a selection of meals had been organised by Caustic, who apparently had spent many a day seeking the right venue for such a distinguished crew. As usual in these types of events some poor prick was left waiting for their meal and Cumsmoke was the lucky last recipient this time around (what goes around they say).

Apparently rumours prevailed about the failure of certain persons being able to recall the apparent fine entertainment of the AGPU night. Then it was time to gather the crew for the first official circle of the new regime.

Shat prevailed, donning his new cap and welcoming all to the Year of the Shat, no frivolous crap, just good fun and for measure, on this occasion, we could all be seated in the comfortable surrounds. Shat then thanked the past Hierarchy for selecting him and that he was “thrilled to bits” at the opportunity. First order of business was the reading of the new Hash rules, apparently down loaded from an International site and thus must be fair dinkum and must be adhered to.

I’ll post the new rules in due course after some careful editing and thus hopefully avoiding our first legal matter of the year, probably something to do with discrimination. Run reports followed with Shat claiming it was “Marvellous” but Trail Master, Veteran declaring it was a mere fluke that it worked, was completely unhash, and was never again to be repeated.

Down Downs went to:

Caustic Crusader & Cumagain: Hares

Sir Rabbit & Flasher: 1401 runs to Sir Rabbit, presented by ex GM, Flasher

Cumsmoke & Swollen: some dodgy charge by Swollen re AGPU pole dancing incident and certain persons seen roaming around Broadbeach at all hours.

Blackstump: for taking on task of getting Mumbles home, and being left in dog pit by missus with possible legal action due against past Hierarchy leading to said privileges being revoked.

Caustic: attempts to charge committee, falling on death ears and leading him to announce the return of the infamous “Rat Pack”

Jigsaw: falling off push bike trying to answer phone

Botulism, Veteran & Two Dogs: because KB noted they were the only Hierarchy missing out on a drink tonight (and I though this shit wasn’t supposed to happen this year)

By the way a special welcome to Botulism, who was invited to join the Hierarchy by Shat as webmaster (permanent role) and Hash Flash, a kind offer he couldn’t refuse.

A great start, a good crowd (for a public holiday), and a great opening night.

By the way, anyone whinging about paying $15.00, plus $2.00 a beer please note that Monday cost me as follows:

Pre dinner drinks outside: $5.00 (one beer)

Dinner (Steak Sandwich): $12.50

4 Beers: $18.00

Tips: $3.50 (and got me zilch)

Glass of Wynns Shiraz: $8.00
= $47.00

That is all,
On On from “The Desk”

Hash Rules

1. There are no rules
2. No Peruvian Llama Jockeys * 
3. See Rule 1 
4. The Grand Master is always right 
5. When the GM is wrong, Rule 4 applies
6. The Religious Adviser (RA) is always right except when Rule 4 applies
7. No Peruvian Llama Jockeys
8. The Hash Statistics are always right. If there is a perceived discrepancy between the stats and reality, then reality is wrong   
9. No stealing, but borrowing is okay … Borrowing is a complex issue and where any doubt exists the GM should be consulted
10. No Peruvian Llama Jockeys  
11. Rain is not permitted during Hash runs. The RA is personally responsible for ensuring fine conditions prevail
12. No discrimination. Poms, the Unemployed, Dogs, Criminals, Teachers, the Disabled, Nymphomaniacs and even Lawyers are all encouraged to run Hash. Alcoholics are particularly welcome. Athletes are tolerated in some Hashes. Athletes, Dogs and Women while permitted to run can never aspire to become Grand Master 
13. Definitely no Peruvian Llama Jockeys 
14. No competitiveness. 
15. Under no circumstances are Peruvian Llama Jockeys permitted to run Has
16. No Training. Hashers caught training are deemed to have breached Rule 15 and will be liable to punishment. A range of activities may be interpreted as training, and for guidance the following non-exhaustive list is provided:
a) Running other than official Hash runs
b) Cycling (fornication on a push bike is exempt)
c) Visiting a gym for purposes other than perving on the ladies aerobics class
d) Using the stairs where lifts or escalators are available
e) Servicing the wife/girlfriend when so pissed it is a marathon effort.
f) Stretching of any kind (exceptions may be made for beautiful women)
17. All Hashers must commit to memory Rules 1, 2 and 3 and be able to recite them at any hour of the day or night regardless of their state of inebriation 
18. Peruvian Llama Jockeying will not be tolerated under any conditions 
19. No fighting on the Hash. This rule is absolute and the entire culture of Hash relies on strict adherence to this rule. If a fellow Hasher causes you immense displeasure by stealing your car or impregnating your daughter (wives are exempt) then belt shit out of him at some place other than Hash, and on some other day than Hashday, a day of reverence and tranquillity 
20. Peruvian Llama Jockeys will be shot. No Peruvian Llama Jockeys
21. Amendments to Rules 2, 7, 10, 13, 15, 18, 20 and 21 are illegal

* Peruvian Llama Jockeys:
i. A person who should not be in Hash
ii. A Whiner or Winger
iii. Somebody that lets other people find trail
iv. A Peruvian Llama Jockey