Run 1831
Date : 3rd December 2012
Hare : Kitchen Bitch
Venue : Trees Road, Tallebudgera
Runners 30

Weeks to someone else compiling this detritus – 27ish

Travelling down the motorway en-route to what seemed to be a sheep station somewhere in the outback, the radio announced that a particularly bad weather cell was approaching the venue from NSW. A quick check showed this to be the case; dark brooding and ominous clouds littered the horizon, illuminated briefly by spikes of lightning.

A ‘U’ turn seemed most favourable, but us hashers are made from sterner stuff than that. On arrival I saw that numbers were still high despite the imminent down pour, vehicles parked under trees sheltering from the likelihood of hail.

Out hare, arrived close to the time of departure and set us off into the greenery with rather inchoate directions. The trail appeared well marked at first with a few false trails but then, rather like a Chinese firework, which promises so much then splutters and dies with a sound similar to a fat man farting, it died on its arse (with some serious and lengthy searching required to find it again). These sections appeared to have been set on a bike, probably a Yami R1 or Honda Blackbird.

We were accosted by a local who informed us we were on private land, but, “it didn’t matter” so why bother telling us then dickhead?

We ran into a paddock, over a culvert, through a field and yet again the trail died. A message was received from the gods informing us to return to our cars or risk drowning. To say the rain was monsoonal would be an understatement. Fortunately none of us succumbed to neither lightning bolts nor large hail and after a regroup at the car park we reconvened to the bitch residence.

“Oh what a night” could have been the theme tune; first weather that Noah would have baulked at, then epicurean delights fit for a king. The smell of rosemary infused lamb roasting, flooded the nasal passages on the short climb up the verandah, the steady drip, drip was either raindrops or drooling hashers.

The feast began with roast sesame and cucumber salad, cherry tomatoes and steamed dim-sims (had permission been sought from Sir Prince for breaching his ingredient copyright?). The roast lamb was expertly carved and served drizzled with a caramelized onion and berry compote, served alongside herb-roasted potatoes, roast pumpkin, roast garlic, garden peas and bread rolls.

Dessert was presented in Master Chef style, cream cheese, Icing sugar and biscuit crumb parcels lying under mango slices, ice cream, biscuit crumbs and mango/passion fruit sauce. Several members of the pack commented that Kitchen Bitch would not be getting voted off tonight.

And so began the most entertaining circle for some time, DD for KB as Hare who was presented an elaborate fishing game.

Comments – Miscarriage stated “lovely run, missing street signs, no idea where I
was, grumpy private property owner” 8/10
– Sir AH stated “ KB has really lifted the bar, I’m glad it wasn’t fish, the food was touching ten/10” a general consensus ensued.

Returners – Miscarriage – Palm Island/Japan where 13,000 yen equates to
fifteen minutes
– Rock Hard – taken up gay artistic ballet

Crocodile informed one and all regarding KB’s generous offer for Ferret to call in for a coffee and then proceeding to go out, DD for KB, also how Pizza had driven the length of Trees road with the beer tap open, hence no drinks stop, DD to Pizza, who not to be outdone, topped up the drink from his own whilst drinking, this could be identified by the vertical red stripe on the front of his shirt.

The GM then iced the RA (that’s the kind of committee we are, well except the GM who let the RA have his DD) for an abysmal attempt at controlling the weather. The removal of Daks was insisted upon by Flasher.

POW, Botcho (you didn’t deserve that) selected the following candidates and asked the pack to vote – VD; email on Tassy list, Rockhard; naturism on the verandah and Flasher for taking a ride in the hare’s car.

Its not often people cheer for Flasher, but by god it was like the winning goal at a grand final. True to form, Flasher spit the dummy, throwing his DD on many, especially his mate Botcho and was handed the baby feeder. Poor form from an ex GM.

Crocodile, who seems to be increasingly enjoying the spotlight, took to the stage for an encore performance and charged Caustic for purposely ringing him whilst Mast%rbating and trying to make out another was in the room. Head Job immediately CAME to Caustics defence, you could say he really got behind him, and confirmed he was present also. DD for rule infringements if for nothing else. Rockhard is taking them both to the ballet next week.

Don’t forget – Xmas run 17th December meeting at rear of the convention centre, 5pm.

Apologies from Miscarriage who will be having a black Christmas and Rectum who will be leaving you in the capable hands of Croc.

Next weeks run – End of the spit – pay as you run? – drink as you run – a definite debarcle in the making, I will be laughing at you all from Koh Samui.

End of circle by Josephine.
.

Big Thanks for a memorable evening to everyone who pitched in and particularly to KB for pushing the gourmet envelope.

On On

Rectum
Hang On a Sec
Don’t believe a word of it.

Run 1830
Date : 26th November 2012
Hare : VD
Venue : Goodwin Terrace, Burleigh Heads
Runners 30 ish

Another great turnout at the picture perfect venue of Burleigh Heads. Against the backdrop of a setting sun over a gently stirring ocean, the pack assembled. Amidst the polite chatter of conversation and friendly greetings, we prepared to embark on a trail, which was described in very few words from our Hare.

Enjoying the warmth of a late spring evening cooled by a light sea breeze we trotted away towards to the obligatory Burleigh hill to be confronted by the first of several checks. The trail circumnavigated the base of the hill emerging on the highway and leading into Koala Park.

A few twists and turns later, a check offered the choice of up the hill or onto the nature trail. Following the hill trail I eventually hit the compulsory ‘what the hell does that marking mean?’, looked further found nothing, came back to the check to find I had been left adrift.

The trail followed the nature trail, with some very intermittent arrows, into a car park which lead to what I believe is West Burleigh road, without torch and with an ever decreasing quantity of arrows I landed at Reedy Creek road, where Truck Tyres pointed the way on.

Two streets later with no arrows evident I gave it up as a bad job, found Reedy Creek and chalked up my own ‘On Home’. The 8.6km I enjoyed, the trail not so much.

Back at the base camp the grill on the Hash trailer was being put to good use, heating up the horses douvers; namely huge snags served in bread with accompaniments. Fearing a repeat of Pizza’s ‘If you like the starter, you’re going to love the mains’ debarcle, a degree of hesitancy was evident by those returning to the grill for round two. No such bad luck, a small poultry had farm had been slaughtered to provide a massive stack of schnitzel which were served as burgers, very tasty, very fresh and lots of it. Dessert was served but for the life of me I cant remember what it was.

Appetites sated, the GM brought circle to bear, asking why we had ‘puffta arrows’ in the middle of the road.

Platypus stated ” very good run, but longer than am I used to, well marked” 8/10

Culinary critique was left in the hands of Iceman “not premier but alright, no beetroot, but dessert a change from ice cream”

Visitors/Returners – Platypus – Darwin, with us for a while yet, poor sod
Rocks off – pissed off after the food
Crocodile – grandpa duties yapoon
Head Job – no idea can’t understand a word he says

Reminder to all – Cocktail Party tonight, over 50 on the books (that’s numbers not age) Flavours, Brickworks, Ferry Road

DD head job, mobile phone in circle

The RA brought out Flasher for an explanation re the Salt and Pepper as a currency incident, then Botcho and Rectum for DD’s due to a complete misunderstanding.

Shat invaded the circle to enlighten us re the shenanigans at splinter lunch, including Jigsaws free salad and meal no-show (DD given) and to present a present to the present GM, a bomb-chuckers hat, very nice. Trying a little one-up-manship Crocodile brought out his pressy, an animal hide wine bottle holder (doesn’t everyone have one?) so when the bomb is chucked at least the GM will have a receptacle for the appropriate libation.

POW Blue Card selected Pizza (gourmet food), Flasher (dummy spit), Rug (banking without a licence), Botcho ( stolen funds) (bizarre oath taken). Botcho took the high ground and swallowed his pride (and the drink) just to stop another dummy spit from Flasher.

Next weeks run, Kitchen Bitch at Tallebudgera (somewhere near Perth apparently)

Iceman, AKA Jerry Seinfeld, catholic joke

End of circle

Thanks to VD and assistants

On On

Rectum
Hang On a Sec
Don’t believe a word of it.

Friday 28th December Splinter Lunch: Reserve your seat at the table here

Blackie’s 2012 Hash Bike Rally
Date: 11 November 2012                                                                                                             Time: Arrive 10:30 for start at 11AM
Location: Next to Tennis Courts at Pizzey Park. Map 44 Ref. L14
Cost: $10 p.p. for food.

There will be two scenic, mostly off road, trails set by Blackie. One to cater for the good riders and the other for the beginners.

The Hash Booze will be present and Lunch will be served around 12:45 -1 PM

This will be a day out also for the wives and girlfriends and we will want numbers coming at Hash Run 5/11/12.

Hash Cocktail Party Details

Run 1826
Date : 29nd October 2012
Hare : Swollen Colon
Venue : Charis Seafood, Labrador
Runners 22

No more Labrador runs this year thankfully

“Welcome to the ‘Don’t be afraid run’” were the words the hare used to greet us as we gathered alongside Charis Seafood in the ever-popular suburb of Labrador. Even with the prospect of another Labrador run and the final week without our overseas contingent, numbers were still over the twenty mark.

Unusually, for this time of year, a cool breeze was blowing in from the sea so sweatshirts stayed on until the last possible moment. Without ado we were off down marine parade, right through an alley onto the gold coast highway where a group hug had been indicated. Even over this short distance the markings were light on the ground (both in intensity and number) so a challenge appeared to be on the cards. On honorable mention to the newly revitalized Bouncer who was running this week.

After a brief respite, we ran over the highway and into the housing estates until, after several checks, we were confronted with the option of crossing a canal at the rear of McDonalds (not likely was the general consensus).

A short route deviation over the bridge ensued and the trail was searched for and regained. Deeper into Southport we travelled, the speed was increased so that the locals did not have chance to steal any training shoes as we passed them. Finally after reaching a dead end, another canal crossing loomed ahead of us. There was no mistaking the chalk markings on the remnants of the bridge ramparts in the middle of the water.

General consensus was again ‘no chance’ but Mdme Latrine refused to capitulate and pushed on. The water gradually rose to his chest (over the heads of most of our short-arses) before he emerged on the opposite bank. Taking the sensible option, I dis-robed and held my clothing high to keep it dry on the crossing. Great plan until I slipped getting out and everything was soaked.

Piss-weak would be the best adjective to describe the rest of the pack who refused to put a foot in the water. Unperturbed Latrine and Myself pressed on to complete the rest of the trail.

We made our way to Smith Street, crossed, followed an easement to Johnson Street, crossed, followed another easement and came out in a sports area where the trail died. About a kilometer later we found it once more, passing the Southport hospital to the water and running adjacent to the ocean all the way home.

Food was served, no entrees, no starter, no dessert just a form of bolognaise with over cooked pasta spirals mixed through.

Circle was convened early and the hare brought out, Latrine was asked to comment but he had left the proceedings to get dry clothing so Rectum reported “ Good length and route choice, but markings too far apart, enjoyed it overall 6.5/10”
Moonbeams cast his culinary critique over the food, stating “Gruel, no salad dressing, dessert as good as the salad dressing 5/10”
Swollen appeared ecstatic at this news as, both scores were better than his last outing. He acknowledged that Latrine and Rectum were the only men present, with everyone else described as mice as they were “aging athletes, trembling at the sight of water”. The truth hurts.

No visitors or returners this week.

DON’T FORGET – Cocktail Night 1st December and Bike ride 11th November.

RA began his rant by informing us all that gift certificates were not currency?? And then congratulated Aussie for his inaugural haircut during a splinter lunch. (although, Aussie’s wife did not seem to agree).

POW – Two Dogs, invited out Flasher (delusional episode performing after splinter lunch) and Aussie for haircut during splinter lunch minus free head (above the shoulders) massage. Aussie pipped Flasher to the post by driving his car 100 yards to the venue.

From the trail-master, Sir Rabbit, the new precedent for anyone not giving significant notice when cancelling their turn as hare, will be a case of crownies.
So beware.

The circle was then entertained by Crocodile, who donated $5 to Kitchen Bitch’s petrol fund, before issuing the following DD’s –

Botcho – failing to pick Bouncer up
Veteran – for living at Labrador
Latrine – failing to consume his body weight in red wine this week

End of circle by the enigma that is Moonbeams

I would tell you where next weeks run is meant to be, but, it seemed to be overlooked in the mad rush to get home.

Thanks this week to Swollen, hope to see more of you.

On On

Rectum
Hang On a Sec
Don’t believe a word of it.

News Flash!!
On Sec strikes for more money.
Mr Hash Cash Blackstump. Please reach an agreement with the On Sec. Pay him the money he deserves. We all enjoy reading the “Trash” that he writes
Breaking News
Dispute resolved in a closed Hierarchy meeting, apparently its on a need to know bases and not for the general rank and file!!

Run 1819
Date : 10th September 2012
Hare : Carefree
Venue : Southport SLSC
Runners 33

Weeks to Christmas cocktail evening at Hollywood Showgirls – 11

Arriving late for the run, the usual work commitments, I landed at the Surf club for what was the warmest evening so far, to the sight of four front running b#st@rds sweating and breathing heavily on the beach path. Whilst I couldn’t put my finger on it, something did not seem quite right, then it dawned on me, Cum Smoke was one of the front-runners. What the hell had gone on here? When was the last time you saw him run? When did you ever see him finish at the front? Had there been a rip in the space-time continuum?

Botcho, Caustic and Blackie made up the quartet and confirmed it was not an illusion, so where therefore, were the serial front-runners – Miscarriage and Flasher? Well, surprise, surprise they had ignored the markings and assumed the route, taking themselves off in the wrong direction.

Isn’t that why someone bothers to draw pretty little arrows and stuff that we are meant to follow?

Not having run, I trawled the good-sized crowd for comments.

“Predictable, up the spit and back”
“Carefree uses tampons”
“Disgraceful, no markings”
“Its royal Labrador”
“Carefree is renowned for shit runs”
“Shite”

It seems that Carefree is to hash runs what Clive Palmer is to hang-gliding

For those interested, the route ran north from the surf club, past Versace etc. and turned left by SeaWorld (or right if you were flasher and buddy) before returning on itself. About as much imagination as the current government.

A notable attendance by Pile driver who has now made four runs in a row, is there a bet we don’t know about.

Flasher and Miscarriage finally turned up looking suitably embarrassed.

Circle whistle tooted and order eventually obtained, it seemed as though there was a lot to talk about amongst ourselves.

Hare invited out, Carefree’s first run on the Gold Coast and hopefully his last according to Iceman, who stated ‘I enjoyed the lighting and toilet blocks’ – what the f%ck was he talking about?? 6.1/10
Show Pony, on behalf of the walkers, gave a juxtaposition, ‘been on the coast for 20 years, tonight I’ve been on new scenic territory’ 11/10 Show Pony backed up by Sir Slab. Looks like you can set a walk again Carefree.

DD to the three hares – Carefree, Moonbeams and Blackie

Visitors – Anchovy (someone’s mate from somewhere)
Vasso – (returner to the fold)
Peter – (Carefree’s mate)

Experiencing yet another Peter in the circle led to the call “someone’s opened a tin of Peters” and this led to all the Peters being brought out for a DD.

Unfinished business – thanks to the providers of birthday booze – Ferret/VD/Jigsaw

DD for Sir Slab on his 1300 runs, in the offing for an On Secs job? Pressy in due course (we’ve all heard that before, have you got yours yet Veteran?)

RA pulled Flasher out for excessive emails (serial offender). PS who ever is slipping Flasher the shrinking drugs please stop, as I observed him in the circle I thought “Does his mum know he’s out this late?”

Jokes requested – someone suggested the run for starters

Caustic procrastinated over a joke ridiculing the disabled, poor delivery, poor punch line, poor taste and the joke wasn’t up to much either. Eight minutes of my life I wont get back.

POW, Caustic decided to abridge the lengthy diatribe he had prepared and just handed it to Flasher for voting Labour, fair enough.

Vasso informed us that the standing invitation to the Brissy over 60’s luncheon invitation would be rescinded as there are too many of us over 60.

Coming up –

1st October – German Festival at Pizza’s
8th October – Run in the middle of nowhere – Jacobs Well

Talking of which Mme Latrine is still asking for transport to and from the venue – the trip there seems ok but…………

Next Weeks run – Veteran @ Labrador, norm rix park

End of circle given a DD by Moonbeams.

Food served at the Surf club –

Sir Prince nearly not served/Waitress amused by those who were not ashamed of giving their hash names – shame on those of you who didn’t, Barry, Julian etc. etc. In keeping with the usual run of things, the special was fine but a little light on the portion control front. It did however come with a $2 wine and not the $7.50 paid by the GM who went for the fancy pants fisherman’s basket.

A big shout out to Carefree’s mate Peter, who named himself “wild Man” when ordering the food.

The Peter Allen Gay dessert award to Cum Smoke.

Thanks to Carefree, good luck on the wrong side of the Tweed, hope to see you again.

On On

Rectum
On Sec
Most of the above may be untrue.

Run 1818

Date    :           3^rd September 2012

Hare    :           Ferret

Venue :           Miami SLSC

Runners         32

Weeks to the Vietnam offensive – 6

A mild night seemed to be on the cards as we assembled at the park at the end of Marine Parade. Numbers were healthy and the runner’s eager as our Hare disclosed the route information.

The evening began normally enough then turned into De Ja Vu or like something I had experienced previously (old run, family cooking the food), finishing out of order and in a degree of chaos. But more of that later.

Slightly later than 6.15, we began running northwards along the coastline before cutting left at the base of Magic Mountain and emerging to cross the highway by Nobby’s shops.

Several false trails and check backs were encountered, at which both Flasher and the GM seemed to be choosing very wisely. In fact a little too wisely, until it was established that we were running the majority of the Thirsty Thursday hash run from 4 nights previous, which, of course, they had both run.

The marking were good in the main, though some a little too far apart and others, which had bizarre letters alongside them (must be a Thursday thing).

The route took us through the estates by Sunshine boulevard, past Pizzy Park swimming pool until it eventually looped back to Sunshine Boulevard, back over the highway and home.

The length was good and combined with the temperature and pace at the front made for a top workout. Good performances by both Miscarriage and Flasher but a special mention to Caustic who put in a big effort to finish at the pointy end of the pack.

A small coach arrived carrying the catering team and the entrees were served; cheese, tomatoes, salad and crackers. The pack dived on these, like seagulls at the beach, leaving shiny clean platters in minutes.

The mains were taking a little longer, so circle was called with the intention that it be completed prior to the food.

Two Dogs offered the following of the run – old run, markings faded, little and big arrows, pack scattered, tedious 6/10 (which could explain why he and the GM short cutted the end)

Aussie commented on the walk – no arrows, up and back down albatross 7/10, (seemed overly generous)

No Visitors

Pizza (returner) and the hare Ferret called out by the GM who informed us that as they were both complaining about not being on committee this year, they would be booze masters next year. Cheers all round, though Ferrets birthday shine seemed to dull at that point.

Prince regaled us with a tale about a fellow hasher abusing a request to look after his guest; no one appeared surprised in the least. Also how the guest was taught her own language by Rug and had wine emptied on her by Flasher at the splinter lunch. We do leave a lasting impression. (have you tried getting red wine out of clothing?)

The RA brought out Caustic who informed us that Miss Scotland had been party to a molestation at the hands of others, for whom she was giving a lift home. Must be how we say thanks these days.

POW invited out, but the mains were ready so circle interrupted.

The meal consisted of Roast beef, jacket spuds, peas, carrots, mixed veg, sour cream, butter, gravy with a mixed fruit pavlova to finish. Delicious if you were at the front of the queue, (though in your favorite words Ferret “could have done with a bit of salt and pepper”) not so good if you had the vegetarian option (run out of meat) at the end.  Two words PORTION CONTROL.

Apathy reigned supreme as the GM brought the proceedings to a halt, without the POW, jokes, charges etc. (save for next week)

Next weeks run – Carefree’s virgin and final run before he returns to Sydney (coaching NSW Blues for state of origin)(well they’ve tried everyone else) @ Southport surf club (special meal organized)

Josephine (this is getting to be a habit) ended circle on behalf of Moonbeams who is recovering from treatment. All our very best mate, hope to see you soon.

Thanks to Ferret (but mainly Romeo and accomplices) and to Kwakka and Kitchen Bitch for keeping the home fires burning.

On On

Rectum

On Sec

Most of the above may be untrue.