Hare: Flasher & Stubby
Date: 26th July,
The GM Flasher stumbled down the road, covered in blood looking like the result of a poorly planned pack rape. We knew this was not going to be an easy run.
Stubbie patched Flasher with band-aids and we listened with intent to the trials awaiting our run. Goatfarka (welcome back) and Sir Slab kindly left their vehicle interior lights on for the pack to see with. This thoughtfulness was disregarded by the pack and as the jeering ensued, Slab and Goatfarka were called forth to turn off their lights. In a passing moment of Alzheimer’s, Slab didn’t think it was his car despite the SLA88 number plate. Goatfarka’s beast has permanent interior lighting due to an unfortunate Coconut tree accident. Much to the disappointment of the “pull out your light bulb brigade”, Goatfarka disconnected the battery instead.
The run was a beauty, the pack howled together up hill and down dale, through fences, under logs and past residents eating BBQ Lamb dinners. The position of Flashers pack rape was clearly marked with a “Fairy Light Grotto” and a Hare’s only drink stop. Flasher attended the Grotto drinking Champagne and listening to Dave Brubeck’s “Un-square Dance” while the hounds passed by; it can only be assumed that rule one of Hash had been broken and obviously enjoyed by the GM as he was toasting all and sundry with a bashful smile as we passed!
Short cutting Bastards arrived home early only to discover that Cumsmoke had completed the run in a record breaking 1 minute and 53 seconds. He rewarded himself for this effort with 3 packets of cheesels, one packet of chips, a bowl of dip and a Jatz cracker. Stubbie the resident Hare was too pissed to know that Cumsmoke had single handily demolished the packs Houderves and offered him more!!
The pack bantered, consumed ales and food then the circle was called.
No one listened and the circle was called again.
Two Dogs was shaking his head murmuring that the circle hasn’t even started and it’s a debacle already.
Finally, the circle started, Moonbeams seemed to be having a circle of his own with Aussie not knowing what circle he should attend so he went to both.
A yellow card was immediately given to Rock Hard for nothing else other than he was breathing.
The “Pack Raped” GM (still bleeding) called forth the Hares, Stubbie and of course himself. Pommie (not his real name) gave the run the thumbs up as did Girls. Stubbie, as blind as he was still, managed the DD.
Moonbeams circle was still in full swing and despite being called outspoken and rude by the GM, his ranting continued.
Little was said about the nosh even though Aussie had 14 helpings. A mammothly upset Ferrett, noted us all as being ungrateful bastards and gave the nosh 51 out of 10. The pack took this on board and agreed with Ferrett, yes, we are indeed a bunch of ungrateful bastards.
Returning runners were a plenty; Goatfarka, Sir Slab, Aussie, Rainbow and Crocodile – all of them having a swill from the chalice. New runner, the “virgin” Adam was also given a Down-Down for turning up.
Cumsmoke, the resident religious adviser, was called forward and immediately bayed for charging hounds. Moonbeams, not to be mistaken for a blithering idiot, broke from his own circle, entered our circle and proceeded to charge Cumsmoke. I deemed scribing the matter a waste of ink and kept no records.
Crocodile, eager to get someone in trouble, charged Cumagain with not wearing Hash attire. This charge was quickly defused with a strip show, followed by a Down-Down by Crocodile for the false accusation. During the evening it was noted that 7 Hashers entered the circle with hats on, all escaping the wrath of the GM much to the disappointment of the little dobber Aussie.
Platinum card holders were given DD’s for not using them in the manner they should- icings are being prepared for them next week.
Cumsmoke was handing out Down-Downs to all and sundry but ended this when those charged began to die of dehydration. It seems that, despite the training and mentoring program in place at GCHHH Cumagain has continued in poor form with the filling of the DD cups with the moment being lost for most of the accused. Cumagain, due to his constant incompetence, felt he should be permanently relieved of his hierarchy position.
Come forth for your naming! Pommie, alias “Steven Mark Bottomley” has run with hash for 89 years and still has no Hash name. Fortunately for Pommie, the name Arsehole is taken. The committee has thinking caps on and will soon dish out an inappropriate name I am sure.
A sudden hush came over the huddle as P.O.W holder; Sir Prince Valiant stepped into the limelight and proceeded to throw in 3 nominations for the award, Rock Hard, Missing Link and Rock Hard again?! Missing Link apparently told a floundering Prince Valiant at the beginning of a hill run to “Fuck off and harden up” This outburst of unfriendliness however was not enough to win the award which rightly shocked the shit out of all of us. Rock Hard took out the award for International Hash travel infringements and was consequently named P.O.W. Sir Prince specifically noted his pathetically poor packing ability, ridiculous choice in tropical attire (obviously confusing Borneo for Bolivia) and lack of concern for the environment as the A380 jet had to take on board extra fuel to transport Rock Hards shit overseas. Rock Hard completed his down down in style, drinking the ale through a penis shaped device much to the disgust of Josephine. Rule 1, teetering on the edge yet again. Moonbeams decided to close his circle and join ours. Sir AH put us all on notice regarding the Urbenville bike ride from Budds beach to the Spit on Sunday the 29 August, 10 am. More details will follow. Splinter lunch is on, hosted by Two Dogs at Juliana’s Paradise Point. BYO everything except food, corkage unknown, may require a second mortgage.
Next weeks run: Nobby Beach location run called “120 yrs of wisdom” – obviously not a reflection of the two 60 year old Hares putting the run on, it must be regarding something else.
The GM closed the circle and was last seen running, still bleeding, into the bush towards the grotto for an On-On that will most likely leave rule one in tatters forever…
Goatfarka Standing in for Hash Trash scribe “Kitchen Bitch”.