Location: Main Beach
Hare: Carefree. Food Hierarchy
A Big Bugger of a Tractor
It was the great A.S ‘G’ Gispert, the spirit of the Hash, who once said: “Hashers generally fall into 3 distinctive categories, namely:
1. those that make it happen i.e. the Tractors;
2. those that watch what happens i.e. the Wallflowers (as RA Caustic likes to call them); and
3. those that wondered what happened i.e. the Perpetually Comatose.
Thankfully, the GCH3 is blessed with a shed full of Tractors. Take Moonbeams for example: having done the hard yakka for the best part of a hundred years, one would expect to see him with feet up, vin rouge in hand, watching the sunset. Not our Moonbeams, who has just returned from his annual trip to his banana farm in central Thailand where he leads the harvest on his 20,000 hectare property. Asked why, Moonbeams’ response says it all: “I’ve had a pretty good innings so I figured it was time to put a bit back in. Helping 40,000 villagers avoid starvation is the least I can do. And anyway, I still get a kick outta watching Thai girls eat bananas.”
Truck Tyres is another Tractor. Arguably, he is the GCH3s’ biggest Tractor, the latest John Deere 4WD type with big wheels and a bloody big engine. And so, when it suddenly dawned on Hare of the week Carefree that setting a run was beyond him, he called on everyone’s trusted hash mate, Truckie.
TT: “No worries mate, what do you want done?”
CF: “Most hashers think I’m bloody hopeless so I wanna surprise them with virgin territory, plenty of shiggy and really challenging checks.”
TT: “Fuck me, you don’t want much do you? Anything else?”
CF: “Can you cook?”
All things considered, the trail was a great success cleverly incorporating a newly opened footbridge over the Nerang river. The hardy pack was then herded through the back streets of Southport where 3 intuitively positioned checks ensured it stayed all together but for Sir Black Stump who ignored the ‘back check’ arrows of the third and ended up somewhere in Labrador.
But for sheer Hash genius, the co-Hare’s sprinkler flooding of Southport’s Secondary School oval for shiggy purposes was inspired. In critiquing the run, Jigsaw gave it the thumbs up although he felt it had been let down with an abundance of shiggy. He added that his missus would be “really pissed off” at having to clean his muddy Reeboks. A remorseful BallPoint remarked that he had been too quick in dismissing Carefree’s run description of virgin lands and shiggy and that in fact, the run was a beauty. He promised not to judge a book by its cover in the future.
For nosh, the Hash was treated to a feed of deep fried vegetable patties with yogurt sauce (Entree), Vindaloo Beef and mild Curry Chicken with wild rice (Main) and Poached Pear Gateau with creamy custard. A simply outstanding Truckie fare and he was roundly praised for his single handed effort. Veteran was called to crit the nosh which he duly described as first class. “I love a fiery Vindaloo” he explained “particularly the next morning when the mix has been processed and it is banging at the exit, bursting to get out. The relief of the back door blasting open and the contents plastering the porcelain is something to behold.”
Lurch was also very complimentary and, apart from the fact that he’d devoured (prior to the run) a coupla Meat Lovers Specials from his local Dominos, he declared that he would have had a lot more. Consequently, about a third of the night’s nosh was thrown away.
The GM then turned the Circle to a more serious matter. He produced and then read a letter from Leach + Leach Lawyers claiming damages to the tune of $1500 for Queensland Fire Brigade, $300 for the replacement of an antique bath tub and $550 for legals fees. This, as a result of a previous Hash run shenanigans. He further announced that at a hastily convened extraordinary meeting (total expenditure $2450), the Heirarchy moved that a special levy of $50 per member would be imposed to cover the costs of the claim. He then invited Sir Black Stump to accept a well deserved ‘down’ for instigating the legal claim in the first place. But for the lack of ice, the outcry of “Ice the Bastard” from the Circle went unrewarded.
RA Caustic was given the floor and he immediately called in Truck Tyre for being “an absolute pisshead”. Having over indulged in the vin rouge department last friday, a confused and disoriented Truckie was thrown onto a homeward bound bus only to awake the next morning as the bus rolled into Wollongong. For his effort he was also handed the Useless Hash sweater.
Lurch was given a down for being ‘pizza fat’ and for his disrespect vis-a-vis Hashs’ Gourmet ethics.
Flasher was also given a down for being too ‘non-intelligent even by hash standards’. To the quiz question (posed by GM KB): “What the fuck happened in 1866?” Flasher enthusiastically blurted: “The Great Fire of London.” RA explained that he would have accepted a disparity of anything up to 100 years but the 800 years difference was “beyond the fucking joke.”
Fanny Charmer concluded the night’s proceedings with his typical panache. “Prick of the Week this week is very hard” he said “so many to choose from. But I think that I’ve decided that the award should really go to Truck Tyres for no other reason than the fact that I think he perhaps deserves it……….maybe!”
And on that decisive note, the duet Moonbeams and Josephine called the Circle to a close.
Acting On Sec
In a hot-of-the-press Police statement, all charges and claims against the GCH3 have been dropped. A spokeman for the Leaches has advised that all outstanding debts have been cleared and that the case was now closed. Probed for more details, the spokeman confirmed that the benevolent member of the public did not wish to be identified, however it is widely believed that his initials are TT.
Ps: Message from the Grand Master
Happy Birthday Sir AH. I was so busy feeding the rabble that I forgot to mention your big day and the bottle of Rum in the circle. Trust that you had a great night and enjoyed the Nosh that I cooked especially for you and your Hash mates, to celebrate. On On to many more birthdays.
This guy Looks like one of us!!
View the video
A delightful read, funny, informative and nowhere near the truth. hash trash as if should be. I’m assuming it was you ball point, excellent job mate.
We had a great laugh. This weeks words reflect the greatness of our beloved hash. Well done to you all and especially to the acting scribe. Missing Link and Miscarriage on tour and doing the hard yards as usual
Funny guy! Is it weekly or moonbeams?