Run: 2005

Date:28/3/2016

Location: Broadbeach Waters

Hares: Sir Blackstump

Hashers: 17

Sir Blackstump’s Easter Bunny Run from Albert Park, Broadbeach Waters was attended by the hard core bunch of hasher’s who were not on Easter vacation.  The run numbers would have been boosted by Blue Card had it not been for the 5 pm start.  In his words, when he rolled up in good time for the usual 6–15 pm walk he was astounded to see everyone on the piss before the event.  Sir Blackstump announced that it would be a 2K walk and a 4 K run, much to the delight of those still suffering from the effects of over indulgence in Easter fare.

The trail followed the usual route through the dog park to Monaco Street heading towards the Gold Coast Highway only to descend down one of the side streets leading South.  After a few hundred metres Flasher, who was on trail, checked left into a long dead end giving fellow front-runners Sorry & Brewtus the opportunity to romp home in under 30 minutes.

The home trail crossed the wooden bridge at the end of Poinciana Boulevard for a circle of the lake to take in the fine aroma of the rectal contents of the well-walked canines before arriving back at the car park.  With the hash trailer in poll position well before the run start and the tables & chairs claiming our territory, the scene was one of masterly organisation.

Although outsourcing to Helen was suspected, Sir Blackstump’s signature dish of Cheval Bolognaise was up to the usual high standard with the spaghetti cooked to al-dente perfection.  Apple crumble & custard was a good accompaniment followed by the Easter Bunny handing out the mini chocolate eggs.  At this point Sir Rabbit’s well trained ears stood erect in approval.  Wine sales were at an all time low due to the absence of Mademoiselle Latrine.

As usual, our super-efficient Boozemasters Weekly & Brewtus presented a fine selection of perfectly chilled beverages.  As our R.A. Sir Two Dog’s was missing your G.M. conducted the circle.  After complimentary run, walk & nosh appraisals Sir Blackstump was awarded for his well-organised run.  Bent Banana, in bare feet, having left his trainers at the Carrara mansion, completed the trail in a pair of Blackie’s deck shoes and was duly awarded for his forgetfulness.

Next out for memory problems was Blue Card who rolled up after the run thinking this was not a 5pm public holiday start time.  Circumference recalled his 5am phone call from Mademoiselle Latrine in Hawaii, in order to help his Filipino in-law, who was locked out of Latrine’s unit on Marine Parade.

Fuller Shit was called out for lubrication before he disappears off on yet another Australian adventure for several weeks.  Weekly promoted the Splinter Lunch on 1^st April at Hot Rock Grill, 18 Hanlan Street, Surfers Paradise, and encouraged pre-ordering with him of the sharing fish platter for those interested.

In the absence of Moonbeam’s and Josephine, Sir Rabbit closed the circle for an early night home.

On On

Rug

Run: 2004

Date:21/3/2016

Location: Helensvale

Hares: Flasher & Rug

Hashers: 26

Play

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Well, what can I say….tonight’s words are brought to you largely by Mme Latrine, who, having done the words for me last week was very keen to continue his wordsmithing training and begged me to let him do the run words, so here you have it…courtesy of Mme Latrine…and yes, the issue of succession planning has crossed my mind!!!….once you’ve read the run words, the circle and nosh bit are all mine…..

This week’s gathering saw the return of Dish Licker and the presence of Oui Oui (This pronounced wee wee – no Freudian slip here – that’s how it’s pronounced in French). Oui Oui was sporting his ever faithful battery box with four frosty cans of Carlton Draught inside. He seemed quite pleased with this lunch box of sorts and alluded every Hash man should have one. Booze master Weekly was busying himself to assure everything revolving around drink for others was in order and had a selection of bottled wine amongst other goodies. Noticeably missing was Kitchen Bitch who was off celebrating his birthday elsewhere and therefore no Crownies for his beloved Hashmates.

The hare Flasher was present – looking somewhat bedraggled with the remains of a heavily soiled menstrual pad and further 8 bandages plastered over his face and neck. With willful intent.

Flasher addressed the semi attentive slovenly gathering, it was all in vane as the local kookaburras drowned out his run instructions as they hissed, laughed and made light of Flasher and his run ideas- holding hands! Really, What’s next? Botcho called out  .

That written, all paid serious attention to him as no one had forgotten the poison pie debacle that ensued from not heeding what Flasher had to impart to his colleagues just a few weeks back.

There’s an old and famous saying in German that states: “Erfahrung hat kein Ersatz” (experience has no substitute) and Flasher, with his decades of Hashing the World over, surreptitiously was going to give credence to this addage. He alleged a run of hills, war memorials, parks, plateaus, infrastructure, road, shiggy, a pub stop, nature and more on a run WELL MARKED with flour, paper and chalk.

He called Fanny Charmer and Latrine into the circle to show how to hold hands to extricate a mate from the shiggy; noting that a regroup would somehow be mandatory. Several of the gathered infidel horde could clearly be heard hissing condescending pejorative(s) like ” yeah right; fuck off” and worse. Undaunted, Flasher pointed westward and the dysfunctional tribe was told that walkers would have to do the trail and just come back when they’d had enough.

The letter P with an arrow to the left signaled the Helensvale Bowls club but with it being so early in the run – compounded with the fact GM Rugg ‘ s Missus is known to gamble there – kept the Hashers’ on trail but wondering if the missing Caustic Crusader had gone straight there to drink vs run.

Overlooking the war memorial set a few off trail but Black Stump herded the FRB’S to the left and back on trail as Sir Rabbit tooted from the back. The first check it out fooled the pack and Latrine lead the pack on on – only to land in FT. When Sir Two Dogs was asked at the false trail point was this the regroup place he retorted “fuck off, we’re going”. And it was on back and on up with Brewtus and Bent Banana looking very fit. Another check it out left Truckee the front running Bastard until Sir Botcholism caught up.

Sir Botcholism aimed his torch hard to the left as we entered the forest to see at least 15 kangaroos – all in a trance with their collective noses covered in white powder. I, myself, hadn’t seen that much white powder on noses since the weekend cocaine parties back in my years at uni! Seems the Roos had tucked into the copious quantities of flour laid by Flasher.

It was on in to the forest and Flasher had plotted revenge on virtually everyone taller than him as the foraging branches hung under one meter in places. Before the pack could stand erect to run – there was shiggy galore. The front running Bastard Sir Botcholism had soggy, maggot infested Roo Poo all down the calves of his legs and was heard to incessantly murmur ” Flasher getting the ice….Flasher ‘ s getting the ice…..”

It was out of the forest and into a park but the trail was still inside the treeline. After crossing a grassy knoll, the front running Bastards ALL DISAPPEARED into an abyss of Kunai grass!! More shiggy! Iceman was overheard to comment ” what a GREAT run!” And was he ever right. Or was it left? as we veered again under and near the railhead. Sir Two Dogs nearly wet himself as he was incessantly and constantly accoladed by the perimeter pooches who howled with pleasure that one of their canine cousins was on the loose with his own pack in tow.

Just 42 minutes after it had all begun, hounds and hares began returning to the mosquito infested fold. The hare to his credit,  had put together a magical run that virtually no-one had been able to (or even DARED) to shortcut. He had also utilised no less than 40kg of flour and chalk as there were markings and arrows every 5 to 8 metres. The foregoing, compounded with sections of virgin trail all pointed clearly to the fact that this had been the run of the year!!!………

Fanny Charmer here again….run of the year????????  Oh dear, I think Mme Latrine should have stopped at one bottle of wine on the night as his judgment has obviously been affected!!!

What Mme Latrine forgot to also mention was that it was of course timely that as we were being given the run briefing by Flasher, a mob of kookaburras came to rest on a tree branch directly above Flasher and started cackling their heads off with laughter…they must have known what Flasher had in store for us and we were sure that they were laughing at us!! The walkers were well catered for tonight… “you blokes walking just follow the runners’ trail and when you get sick of it, just turn around and come back”…gee, that gives me so much to look forward to when I retire from the ranks of the runners and become a Hash walker…ohh, the excitement that awaits me!!

The Nosh:

Rug, our master chef tonight described the nosh as being a “belated St Pat’s celebration of all things Irish”….starting with entrees of Irish Potato Cakes, drawing the response from Rock Hard of “now I know why they had a famine!” and this was then followed by a lovely Irish stew although it proved somewhat problematic for those who had neglected to bring their own dinnerware and had to rely on paper plates provided by the Hash…oh dear, there were certainly spills aplenty of the quite soupy broth, but for those of us with deep bowls, it proved a lovely treat……...Dessert was a lovely apple and barley sweet, with cream on top…some of us had thirds and then took some home for adorable spouses!

The Circle:

Our GM welcomed us all to a belated St Paddies day run..and Mme Latrine was asked for his rating of the run…”an excellent fuckin’ run..fuckin’ goddam excellent!”…well, obviously a night for superlatives!! Flasher was absolutely speechless at the praise being praised on him!  The GM considered that we were indeed lucky that the tide was out tonight otherwise we actually would have been up to our arses in shiggy.

Now-Loved commented that the walk was “really good”…gee, that’s insightful of you NL!! Another insightful comment came from Sir Prince Valiant… “the nosh was really nice!”….I am truly overwhelmed by the love being spread tonight…whatever happened to Hash being a piss-take??….Showpony, please come back…Caustic Crusader, please come back!!!!

Flasher was called out the front to be suitably embarrassed for obviously being the subject of a newspaper article in the Sydney papers…a flasher was exposing himself to all and sundry…yep, that’s our Flasher!!

Next out the front…all who have ever shared a room with Magician were called out…Sir Slab, Truckie and Now-Loved, all describing in detail Magician’s penchant for dropping his dacks with little reason ever needed…I will attest to this..I’ve seen him in action in the Philippines too!…a well deserved down-down!!  And you’ve learnt your lesson Sir Prince Valiant..don’t ever introduce young ladies to Magician again!!

Miscarriage came out the front in usual style (yawn, yawn!) to castigate Mme Latrine for being the narrator on the run tonight…then out came Magician again, apologising for neglecting to tell us that he has just begun to feel 100% fit again after Showpony’s chilli pies several weeks ago….is this issue never going to go away???

Our visitors Oui Oui (as Latrine has already said in his words, that’s “wee wee” in French) and Magician came out for a down-down…(why is Magician still ranked a visitor…he’s one of us and he’s back!!!)..any bloody excuse for a drink!

Truckie has this week forgotten..wait for it…the Prick of the Week award…some lame excuse about his car getting fixed and it still being in the car.

Next week’s run…around the corner from my joint as it turns out….Blackie’s run from Monaco Street, Broadbeach Waters.

That’s all folks!!

Fanny Charmer …….and Madamoiselle Latrine

On Sec.

Run: 2003

Date: 14/3/2016

Location: Chevron Island

Hares: Kwakka

Hashers: 32

Run: 2002

Date: 7/3/2016

Location: Merrimac

Hares: Fanny Charmer & Miscarriage

Hashers: 26

DISASTER IN CARRARA…FIVE MEN MISSING AND FEARED DROWNED IN INNER CITY SWAMP…..and those words may well have been the headline in the Gold Coast Bulletin on the morning of Tuesday 8^th March because for hour upon hour on Monday night, this is what many of us feared would be happening…how so??……continue reading!!!!

The run:

The location for the run tonight was from the dog park on Robina Parkway, a lovely site with plenty of parking, nice views across the water to Clear Island Waters, surrounded by tranquil bushland and ………..the potential for disaster…….

Well, the run started innocently enough….and from the outset might I say that yes, I was the co-hare on the night but I disclaim any responsibility whatsoever for the debacle that unfolded as all I did was provide you blokes with a fine nosh!……oh yes, back to the run….at the outset the hare, Miscarriage, complained that his finely set run, which had him suffering heatstroke and sunburn being out there for hours on the Sunday laying the track, was totally washed out due to the deluge that came when the heavens opened up in the early hours of Monday…. “ok, the trail’s been washed away completely..there are no markings left…this will be a ‘groupie’ run…I will be the live hare and we’ll regroup on a regular basis and we should be back here within the hour…now ‘on on’ you blokes!”

Off they all disappeared, heading west into the bush that lies beyond the Robina Parkway while I stayed back to get the nosh ready. I therefore apologise for not being able to give a detailed description of the actual run itself, only the aftermath….

At around the hour mark, several of the walkers staggered back in to base camp saying that the plan had not gone as planned…the live hare disappeared and the walkers were left to fend for themselves….the early returnees had decided that they had best just walk for half an hour out and then retrace their steps back to camp, unlike some of the other walkers, who in foolhardy fashion, like the runners, ventured into the unmarked bush territory, only to get themselves well and truly lost… “we could hear Rabbit’s horn blowing out there somewhere, but we had no fucking idea where they all were!” uttered one of the early arrivals home.

An hour passed…then another hour passed and by this time there were still some half a dozen hashers out in the wilds of the swamp. When Botcho came running in he was madly yelling “ice the hare, ice the hare…he’s not getting away with this!!”. At around 8.00m the first of three search parties went out, the first one being led by Bent Banana, who came back having not spotted anybody…apparently phone contact had been made with Now Loved who indicated that he and Rabbit were traversing water crossings and were up to their necks in mud!! Oh dear, it sounds like Sir Rabbit was getting his fur just a little bit wet!!

At exactly 8.53pm Truckie and Rug came staggering back to base camp, both drenched to the core and up to waist level…and with Rug proclaiming “fuck me, these socks which are now black were white when I started!!…I’ll probably end up with bloody trench foot out of this!”. Circumference spent a significant amount of time washing out muddy shoes and socks too.

At the three hour mark, there were still three Hashers left out there…Now Loved, Rock Hard and Sir Rabbit….so out goes yet another search party…eventually, at exactly 9.28pm, that’s three and a quarter hours…in came these last three wretched souls!! Rockhard immediately cracked a beer and proclaimed “this tastes so much better than that swamp water!!”.

In all, this was a night to remember…many of us had not witnessed such potential disaster…a true Hash debacle!!!….bloody brilliant! I was reliably informed by Circumference and others…”geez, this sort of shit hasn’t happened since about the year 2000…in fact it could have been last century..isn’t this fucking great!!”

Late mail..Late Mail!!!!

Ok, I wasn’t doing the run as I was too busy doing the nosh but here are some fine words that paint a good picture of what it was actually like out there…thanks Sir Rabbit:

“Our hero “Rock Hard “ after a magnificent swan dive into the bullrushes became our esteemed bog crossing crusader for the trek through the Robina marsh lands complete with a moses depth seeking staff trying to catch “Rug & Truck Tyres” as they tackled the unmarked trail along the rail line. Our attempt to scale the fence and cross over on the railway bridge to Robina Station was decided against because of the degree of difficulty and the pending fines for trespassing and danger thwarted our attempt. We did come into very personal contact with a lot of extremely large livestock mind you “without teats”, who stood their ground “scary stuff”. Highlight of the safari through the everglades was a phone call from “Moonbeams” who said “where are you” and the reply from “Now Loved” was fucked if I know but I need to put the phone down to tackle another bog crossing or something to that effect. With the Q1 in view as our homing target the Metricon Stadium lights grew dimmer and the Q1 was still looking like a 4 story walk up. Finally when all hope was lost we stumbled across the out trail where once more “ Rock Hard” bit the mud after tripping over barbed wire and almost having to cut off his sock. Sighting the black snake slivering towards us on the dump road out should have deterred us from venturing any further on this petering out trail. Another run that won’t be forgotten in the annals of hash adventures”

The birthday boy:

Unfortunately the fact that tonight was Sir Prince’s birthday celebration night kind of got sidelined by the debacle that ensued, but we shall remember him….he has survived to see his 67^th birthday…surprising really, given that he has had virtually a lifetime of hashing and clearly would have therefore had many near-death experiences such as tonight’s debacle.

Thank you for the birthday Coronas Sir Prince, they went down really well, and as Rock Hard observed, much better than that bloody swamp water.

The Nosh:

It seemed at first that all my efforts over a hot stove preparing tonight’s curry were going to be in vain as we all ended up eating in dribs and drabs, with the stragglers unfortunately not getting the nosh at its optimal temperature, including cold party pies and slushy cheesecake…notwithstanding that debacle, it seems that everyone appreciated the nosh, which consisted of assorted soft jelly lollies on each table for nibbles, party pies with sauce for entrée, beef and potato curry with rice for mains and cheesecake with cream for dessert.

In doing the nosh, I set out to see if I could actually get everything at Aldi, and apart from the spices which I already had on hand, I can proudly say that absolutely everything came from Aldi and that the meat was first class as I am sure you will all agree. Aldi really is a viable alternative as a complete supermarket!

The Circle:

The circle was, needless to say, quite brief tonight, due to the fact that it came about two and a half hours later than usual. Josephine was asked to describe the run and observed that it was a good “politician’s run” ….it promised a lot but delivered bugger all!! I would hasten to add that it delivered a lot of entertainment for those of us safely ensconced at base camp…rescue missions going out regularly, Hashers coming in looking like drowned rats…Miscarriage copping shitloads of abuse…what more could you ask for in terms of entertainment. It was worth missing Four Corners and Q&A for this!

Rock Hard and some of the other runners described sightings of a black snake and numerous huge, human-devouring spiders!

Returning runners tonight were Mme Latrine, Sir Arsehole, Moonbeams and Kwakka…great to see you guys back tonight and glad you all enjoyed the drama. Mme Latrine is to be commended for his honourable Hash spirit.. “I’ll stay back until 11.00pm if I have to…no man shall be left behind…just leave me enough grog!!”.

I must say that due to the debacle tonight, the hare, Miscarriage, did spend a considerable amount of time on the ice…probably about fifteen minutes the first stint and about ten minutes for his second stint…oh, and he did cop prick of the week for his efforts tonight too!

Our RA, Sir Two Dogs, brought out Moonbeams and returned a jacket to him that had been found in Burma…with Moonbeams proclaiming “it’s not fucking mine..my name is plural..that just says Moonbeam!!”…notwithstanding that, it seemed to fit quite well so he decided to claim it as his own and offloaded the crap shirt he’d been wearing up to that point.

Now-Loved copped a down down for some debacle whilst out Ubering and Rock Hard copped one for some inane comment that he made to a newspaper reporter who bailed him up in Queen Street Mall!

Prick of the Week…of course it was always going to go from Fullershit to Miscarriage…but poor Miscarriage simply could not stomach the down-down out of the yard-glass that is not a yard long and Mme Latrine very kindly volunteered to drink it for him!

In all, a wonderful night!!! My first experience at such a debacle….gotta love the Hash!!!

Next week’s run is Kwakka’s run…. in the wilds of Chevron Island…all new territory is guaranteed.. with Shat noting that “at least you’ll all find your way home from there!”.

That’s all folks!!

Fanny Charmer

On Sec.