Run: 1705
Hare: Jigsaw
Location: Benowa
Date: 5th July, 2010

From one extreme to the other was the arrow count this week Blowfly’s arrows last week were on steroids and it appears the GFC has hit Jigsaw’s coffers pretty hard leaving one piece of school chalk to mark the entire run. People must parked cars on top of them was Jigsaw’s helpless fee. (amazing how they do that in a sealed drainage area) What a “fuck up” “another debacle” echoed around the streets of Benowa as the pack wandered aimlessly looking for the random arrows not to be found or on backs that were more like on-on Oh fucks!! Public relations manager was busy prior to the run sorting out international relationships with a Benowa resident obviously tired from watching the world cup help in her home country and not appreciating our outrageous behavior of shining the torches on the ground. ( Go figure?????) The Neighbor obvious got her own back with a voodoo curse on poor Miscarriage who returned from the run with substantial bark missing from his left arm and knee. Claiming later it was an obstacle course fell un unsympathetic ears and comments about height restrictions on speed bumps were heard to flow from the taller members of the pack. Toughen the fuck up Miscarriage !!
Somehow the pack made it back to the start point and all adjourned to the Jigsaw pad around the corner ( or two) to gather for a few beers and some light hearted banter from Blackstump before an early exit to avoid getting POW that was obviously heading his way. The tale went something like this …….. it appears Blackstump has a real bent toward cross dressing, his excuse to do this was to perform as Pricilla QUEEN of the dessert with his favourite horse trained to the maximum and ready to act on Blackstump”s every command. Well it appears everything was going perfect and Blackie had this horse tuned to perfection. The big day comes and Blackie rolls out with his Lycra gear, fishnet stockings, foils in the hair and a massive flowing cape to top it off. ( How come he’s got all this gear ?????) Well that’s all great, but Blackie has omitted to tell the horse about this. The horse says I’m the fuck outa-here and Blackie ends up arse up in the dust with the crutch torn out of his favorite pair of fishnets and the family jewels dangling in the dust ( Hence the name ….. Blackstump). Hmmmmmm …Rule one of hash Blackie … watch out for the POW .(I think it’s still headed your way

)

Ozzzzie continues to suck up to the GM with special helpings of the fantastic quiche (we can say that as we had French visitors) otherwise it would have been vegetable, bacon and egg slice ( Real men don’t eat quiche .. rule one again.) An executive table of Bent Banana, Miscarriage, Rug and Show Pony is observed in the dining area of the house ……. Rumor has it …. It was Show Pony’s cooking school.
Main course of a pasta with salad and an excellent topping of mushrooms bacon and Jigsaw’s secret herbs and spices sees nominations for “hash of the year” flowing fast. Show Pony is seen sneaking into the kitchen to see how it’s done.(Don’t bother) Jigsaw is clearly watching “masterchef”. Sweets follow with every member of the pack consuming the ginger sauce over ice-cream and ginger biscuit to top off a great effort.
GM gets permission from Josephine to convene circle at 8.45 PM
Jigsaw’s moment of glory with the nosh is about to come crashing down!!!! GM calls for comment on the run. Aussie and Miscarriage both give it a pasting followed by Caustic as trail master giving his usual caustic comments. Mad Mike gives Jigsaw 9.9 for the nosh but it is still not enough to save him from the debacle of a run. Jigsaw gets iced ( Not a pretty sight) Caustic gives a note and Jigsaw takes a DD.
Our French visitor “Holy Nun” and his unmentionable are called to circle and promptly pose for a “santa shot” with our iced member. Shut up Jigsaw say GM ….. I’ll fix this !!!!!! Then Jigsaw gets “boned” Holy Nun turns out to be the original “ I’ve been everywhere man” including running the Gold Coast marathon in two hours even. Bent Banana gives a note … all three get a DD
Returning runners are Show Pony …. Been running with border hash. Also Miscarraige …….. Been in Phuket inspecting temples and spreading goodwill. Two Dogs strikes a note and Jigsaw is OFF THE ICE.
GM announces that the GM is not there to entertain the pack each week ……. In fact the pack is there to entertain the GM. So starting this week he expects to be entertained. He claims on Saturday night Botcho came out of the closet (Hmmmmmmmm !! What does that mean??) So now he is expected to sing to some canned music GM has found in some opp-shop somewhere. Not the same when you’re sober ….. another fuck up !!!!!!!! Botcho’s forgotten the words and stage fright has set in big time.
GM calls for the R/A who immediately calls for charges.
Miscarriage is straight out of the blocks making remark to the ancestry of the arguing neighbor, only to discover that Caustic has the same South African background, ex wife or something ( Hence the name …….. Caustic) Holy Nun gets roped in too and numerous soccer jokes flow from the gathering, much to the amusement of the pack (GM is happy …… he’s been entertained) Dunmbshit gives a note.

POW Josephine is called to circle and declares Blackie was a “cert” but he has scampered.

Next in line are hierarchy members Cumagen … fucked up the booze !! Hash Cash …… a limp protest about extra fees. R/A for being a “nutter”( we all know that) and wearing stockings borrowed from Blackie. Even a major swipe at the GM … something about the G#@ (can’t print it) mardi gras (Hmmmm!!! Might be the hat ???)
However the vote went to Miscarriage ……… seems wanting to put your bone in Jigsaw’s mouth and an interesting time in the Merchant Navy has Miscarriage a strong contender for breaking “rule one”
Josephine gives a note and yet another member fails to finish the piss pot in one go…. 4 out of 4 so far!!!

A touching moment followed with a reuniting of four of the seven dwarfs gathered for a photo opportunity.

Next week’s run is Aussie ……. Bring your wet weather gear …….it ALWAYS rains on Aussies run!!!!!!
Harley Park opposite Charis seafoods in picturesque downtown Labrador.

Circle closed….. 9.20 PM
On On
Kitchen Bitch, On Sec

Run: 1704
Hare: Blowfly
Location: Len Fox Park, Labrador
Date: 28th June, 2010

Full moon glistening over the Broadwater set the scene for a scenic run through the picturesque city of down town Labrador. Hashers were seen admiring the wonders a nature as they prepared for this momentous occasion. GM Flasher had returned early from Interhash and Blowfly’s nosh was not to be missed. Somehow it seems the word had not spread about this occasion ( or had it ???)
A smallish number of the GCHHH pack headed off over the biggest set of arrows in hash history to the sights and sounds of this beautiful part of the world. Alas the phantom trail eraser had struck around the sporting club area… …… blamed on the complex caretaker by our self confessed novice hare. Another hash debacle follows with many claiming to have completed the entire run. Strange how they return from many and varied directions ( I could never figure that out?? On sec) Walkers were instructed “ Walk up the yummy mummy trail” to the bridge and back. Simple !!!

Romantic moonlight drinks followed the run with a nosh catered for twice the number, so portion control was not an issue …… many second and third helpings of the hearty winter pasta and sticky date dessert were dished out to the pack. R/A’s dog even got a serving. (only time the poor bastard gets fed).

Returning GM Flasher called circle at 8.40 pm … just getting in before Josephine !! GM announces the weather at Interhash was crap and the memories of his last visit there were not the same somehow ( probably sober this time). Sir Prince, VD, Moonbeams and the rest of the GCHHH team continue to check out the religious sites and local customs spreading good will all the way. The hare Blowfly is called to circle to get “pretty good” as the vote on his run from Jigsaw. “Hierarchy members getting lost on the run was not a good sign Blowfly” was heard to come from GM ( But who is to speak on “getting lost”)
Rugggg and Ozzzzie were noted as the greatest number of helpings at the nosh. Josephine passed a note congratulating the hare on an excellent job. Wait –a- while was our visitor from Cairns and returning runners Me Me and Stubby were invited to circle, DDs all round followed a note from Aussie.
R/A called for charges and the RAT PACK sprang into action….. Caustic laid NUMEROUS charges against Swollen in particular the very serious charge of potential breach of RULE ONE of hash, followed by pyromania (we all know he is guilty of that) and brown eye/ indecent exposure (WE also know he is guilty of that too). Such serious charges demanded a more serious punishment so R/A called for the straight arm be applied. More indecent exposure followed and even a part brown eye was thrown in for good measure. Swollen proceeded to take a public bath with the straight arm …. More practice is obviously needed.

Me Me was sprung (dobbed by Josephine) for BYO rum and cokes, so a demand for Hash corkage and another major punishment from the R/A followed ( Has the power gone to his head??) Me Me also takes a public bath.

Girls gets a DD
GM calls for Prick of the week . Tight Arse obviously doesn’t know the rules and arrives to circle with the prick in bag . demands for “put it on “ “Ice him” follow … but it’s a cold night and the R/A must have missed the opportunity.
Josephine has featured a lot in this week’s trash and he takes the ultimate award getting POW for hurrying up circle. Josephine follows hash tradition and empties the remainder of our enormous POW piss bucket over his head.

Aussie finally gets sprung for dobbing on the GM , a note from Botcho and DD follow.

Caustic can’t help himself and makes a disparaging remark about the vertical challenge faced by GM Flasher and is immediately and rightfully (suck, suck) called to circle by Flasher.

Circle finishes on a somber note with a hash hymen for Caustic’s father buried in Scotland today.

Circle closes 9.05pm

On On
Kitchen Bitch, On Sec

Run: 1703
Hare: Bung & Point Two
Location: MacIntosh Island
Date: 21st June, 2010

The chill of a winter’s night was not to put off a depleted pack caused by mass evacuation of our loyal members to interhash from paying their respects to fallen member “Bilgepump”. The pack gathered at McIntosh Park pit area preceding 6 pm for the mandatory 6.15pm start. The hare arrives right on 6.15 and acting GM Sir AH calls the pack to order and Point Two announces the trail is in gyprock, gyprock and gyprock……… oh fuck!!! Another slog on the tarmac echoes from the pack. A fast run through the park along Tedder ave and round the beach to Budds Beach boat ramp past a very interesting set of “Gyprock arrows” finds the pack together for a cold XXXX gold and a commemorative port gathered on the shores of Budds Beach to hear a tribute from Bung (our man of FEW words) for Bilge Pump and to a traditional Hash hymn in memory.

Back to the park for a savory nosh of organic hamburgers cooked by our virgin Bunge and prepared by Point Two who only told the pack three times how long it took to prepare the sliced tomatoes, pineapple and beetroot…….. Amazing how they don’t cut that beetroot and pineapple before they put it in the can ???????? KB gets the arse as assistant chef and a list of amateurs do a reasonable job of cooking the fare.  $15 hamburgers… what a bargain echoes from a few (hamburger cooks included).  Just wait……… all is forgotten when the pack devour the nosh with numerous visits back for seconds and thirds. Lots of members plates are visible … the $2 cost is working a treat with some balancing the burger on a bread slice to avoid the penalty.

Ferret assists with protocol and calls 1 minute to circle to assist Acting GM Sir AH at 8.45pm. Aussie SUCKS up to acting GM with dribble and gets away with it, the R/A arrives with his regalia looking like fresh from an audience with a divine power and announces the staff of doom and new hash punishment will prevail. Some suggest the R/A might be into other activities with his new regalia, however the R/A insists he is feeling the power more each day.
Hares Bung and Point Two( quoted as the “Virgin” and the “Old Virgin”) are called to circle and given the mandatory DD …….. Fellow hamburger cook Josephine suggests amazing value for the 25% increase in weekly subs is clearly reflected in the nosh and declares that quantity has added bonus points to take the “nosh score” out to an amazing 8/10. Hamburger bias is suspected as a contributing factor. Josephine offers a note.

Errant POW Cameron returns the pack with “prick” in hand. A prompt call for POW from AGM Sir AH sees Cameron award it to Tightarse to give “NEW BLOOD” to the award. On Sec questions the term “New Blood”  Hmmmmmmmmmm Tight arse no more maybe????
Croc gets a yellow card from ref Sir AH for talking back at the ref.
The new POW DD container proves to be a challenge to Tight Arse with a  double   Triple Quadruple   Quintuple  Sextuple  breach of hash tradition.

Quote ….Tradition 7. “When drinking in the circle, your beverage must be full. If it is not you may receive donations from the other hashers. The circle will sing the Down Down song and then the hasher in the circle will drink his beverage. If at any time the beverage leaves the lips prior to its entire contents being drunk, then the remainder must be dumped over the head of the drinker. Having finished your beverage, you tip it upside down over your head to show the other hashers your drinking skill and you may exit the circle.”
AGM hands over to his holiness R/A
Aussie is first victim with the hat on (told 4 times) in circle and gets to initiate the new straight arm hash tradition object of GCHHH. Aussies fails to get one drop home to the required mouth area ( amazing considering the size of it )and contributes to the family washing pile once again. Tight Arse and Dumbshit get DD’d for over achieving, Two Dogs offers a note.
Rainbow has a strange “Partner ????” flat mate arrive to circle unannounced and is accused of breaching RULE ONE of Hash.   He says “ no” …. I save that for my sister!!!

Charges are called for …….

Botcho charges KB with mobile phone use on the run, KB claims he is only checking on Caustic who is on an undercover mission in Brisbane Fortitude Valley looking for assistants for the AGPU … Well done Caustic, good to see you doing soooooooo much early research. A DD follows.
Botcho gets Hash Karma as Swollen notes his new shoes …. A traditional shoe DD follows.
Caustic’s run list is almost complete … you can go solo or pair up old farts and new virgins, but very shortly you will be advised the list is final and you must then arrange your own swaps if you cannot do your run, and YOU MUST ADVISE TRAIL MASTER CAUSTIC CRUSADER. Caustic will be at next week’s run with his trusty lap top to finalize the year!!!
Returning runners Mad Mike and Cameron were recognized with DDs
Rainbow announces a new job and his new boss is no other than Dumbshit. It is quality control officer at the Gold Coast airport.  HASH TIP ……. Fly out of Brisbane!!!!!!!!!!!!
Swollen gets a yellow card from Ref Sir AH with minutes to full time for dobbing.
Circle closes 9.12 pm
Almost made it under the hour.
On On
Kitchen Bitch
PS. Thanks Croc for all you help setting this up.

Run: 1702
Hare: Shat
Location: Budds Beach
Date: 14th June, 2010

Gathering at the Shat Shack Budds Beach and a fast run around Chevron Island and through the bright lights of Surfers Paradise up to the beach to a welcome drink stop and a quite jog back to the Shat Shack………… sounds like a simple plan says Shat. Hmmmmmmm……………. seems Shat had over-estimated the connection of our new R/A with the weather gods. It’s 4.15PM and your scribe drops by to do the neighborly thing to assist with either set up or drink tasting…..Wrong !!! Shat says weather looks like it will hold!! 30 seconds later R/A’s lack of influence is apparent and the heavens open, a quick check of the trail finished 5 minutes earlier shows it is now totally f$#@&%.

Another Hash debacle is quickly forming…. Cancel the drinks !!! Set a new trail in 25 minutes…
No problem!!

Shat sets out, KB plays taxi and the trail is set over Chevron and back to the bridge…….. It’s now 4.50 PM and the pack of 30 hashers is forming. F%#@!!!!!!!!!!

Plan “B” says Shat ….. Sir Slab can “live hare” them from the bridge up to the drink stop on the beach and we will “on home” them from there…. Simple!!

Plan “C” evolves !! …….. KB will skip the run and mark the trail from the bridge to the drink stop and “on home” them from there….. easy!!

Run them through “Circle on Cavill” says Shat, then up Cavill Ave up to the beach, left down to “Focus” along the beach to the drinks stop. Hmmmmmm!! Pretty easy.

KB has thetrail is marked to Circle and KB is about to head up to Cavill……. Swollen short cuts Chevron out completely and catches KB at the Circle steps.

Plan “D” … Swollen will take KB’s car to the beach and KB will mark the run to the beach.. very simple!!! ..Wrong ! Swollen says “Oh fuck !!!! I can’t drive ….. I’ve been on the piss all arvo!

Plan “E” …. Swap rolls…… Swollen will mark the trail ….. Left at the beach and down to “Focus” …… Kid’s stuff!! …. Wrong!

Swollen must be “pissed” and heads the pack right (south) down the beach and the frustrations of not being elected “trail master” come to the fore.. Swollen creates his own trail.

Shat gets 4 members to the drink stop!!!!!!!!!!! Says ….I love a good fuck up!!!

The Pack finds its way back to the Shat Shack.

An excellent “Fuck up”

The Venue is transferred from the beach park and into the botanical gardens of the Shat Shack.

A tasty 3 course nosh and welcome drinks follow.

New GM Flasher calls for “circle” at 6.45 pm.

GM Flasher rises to new heights thanks to his new “soap box” present.

R/A arrives looking more like Pope CumSmoke the third.

GM calls Pizza into the circle for yet another interruption … Shut up Pizza is GM’s instruction.

Down downs are issued freely to

Botcho…. Amazing effort!!

Sir Prince , Blowfly, Nowloved, ………. Welcome back from immunity lads!!!

Shut up Pizza!!

GM Flasher announces his love of the new hierarchy ………. Hierarchy humbly respond!!

Darwin Don is DD’d and recognized for his 87 years and hashing around the world including climbing Mt Warning with GCHHH.

Moonbeam’s poor singing gets recognition!!

Our R/A continues his reign of terror…….. New terminologies of the DD containers exude from his papal mind.

“Pale of blasphemy” gets awarded to Croc.

“Bed Pan of euphemism” goes to Swollen for his “pissed trail”

Sir Prince gets another DD……. (Pay back!!!)

Pizza gets iced!!!! The new bed pan icing gets initiated and Pizza’s normal shy nature continues to show.

Two Dogs gets a DD for taking over from “Serial pest Cumsmoke” for all the fingers in the AGPU photos. Rockhard strikes a note, Sir Prince strikes a note to Pizza and Swollen,

Charges come from Misscarraige on KB’s new plate (stolen) … a trumped up charge ( On sec license) , Bottle top payments on Hash cash see Darwin Don, Dumbshit and Sir Prince ( back for his 3^rd DD)for hat in circle.

Dumbshit gets to try the new foot icing bedpan including Pizzas left over anal ice.

A touching moment follows as Caustic Crusader hands over the “King Rat” hat and mantle to Swollen.

Swollen then gets initiated into Rat pack pay back with a DD for having his new hat on in circle. Hitler strikes a note.

Pizza is back on the ice and declares bladder capacity issues.

Botcho challenges the last POW to get it or its last awarded member back ASAP.

Pizza’s bladder issues are solved?????????

Now loved gives the nosh 7.5

GM announces some changes to Hash costs …. Refer his note prior to departing to interhash. GM announces this has been “a taste of things to come” this year.

Don’t forget!! Bring your plate …Win a prize. Don’t bring your plate …….. $2 each.

Next week’s run ……. Bung ……… Bilgepump memorial run from McIntosh park pit stop.

Minister for loose ends will stand in for GM for the next few weeks.

Circle closed at 8-05PM.

How do we fit soooooo much into one night?

on on

On Sec

Kitchen Bitch

Run: 1701 AGPU
Hare: Hierarchy
Location: Broadbeach
Date: 7th June, 2010

Hash Trash AGPU 2010

The winter chills of a brisk June evening saw the pack huddled in the Broadbeach Park prior to 6pm to make sure the fictitious bus would not leave without them. Members of the “rat pack” adjourned for the mandatory pre AGPU beer at Moo Moo, Swollen in his 3XL shirt looked more like a wayward schoolgirl than a hashman, promises to “keep his clothes on this year were met with some mirth and comments of “doesn’t matter anyway” cascade across the bar. Calls of “where’s the fucking beers “start to echo across the park

However the guise of the fictitious bus proved simple to be a ploy of the outgoing hierarchy to ensure all noted the arrival in style of the hierarchy in a further contribution to “the black hole” along with two suitably endowed assistants for the night that followed.

Your scribe will attempt to recall from the alcoholic fog and no notes the events of the 2010 AGPU.

The pack was led off by able trailmaster Botcho across four sets of lights and cross roads to arrive at Valentinos restaurant located some 20 metres from the original gathering point. Crown lager flowed like water and plates of anti pasta were consumed by the forty odd gathered on the pavement. It is already apparent that a couple of members had started their AGPU celebrations a little earlier, Pizza is already talking Swahili.

Nasty plays “Cinderella” with the GM’s hat looking for a likely candidate. Flasher’s 16 year old pith hat goes missing, KB gets the blame.

The pack adjourns to the restaurant private room built for 20 …. But no complaints as the two assistants have difficulty reaching through the gaps. Miscarriage and his twin are finally reunited, Latrine sculls his first bottle of red and Pizza is talking more shit. We are off to a flying start!! Pussy Boy has an unfortunate incident as the chair supporting him and an assistant attempting to wipe something off either side of his nose collapses under “the load”. Minutes later Dumbshit has a completely solo attempt at the same stunt, destroying the restaurant’s chair (more black hole). The noise is unbearable …. Ferret’s happy, he forgot the hearing aid. Camera shots prevail, Latrine’s on the second, Croc’s looking a bit strange, Dicky Knee breaks the diet, the maitre de attempts to read the menu, Cum Smoke gets noisier.

Flasher’s hat’s gone again … Dumbshit has it in safe custody.

The first round of awards is handed out to a roar of comments to all nominees.

Best run goes to …………Circumference

Best virgin run goes to………… Pussy Boy/Hitler

Most runs goes to………… Sir Rabbit

Best nosh goes to …………Kitchen Bitch

Worst nosh goes to …………Show Pony

Serial offender goes to ………….Cum Smoke

Greatest debacle goes to …………Aussie

Hashman of the year goes to ………… Kitchen Bitch

Hash service award over and above the call of duty goes to………… Botcho

The night continues …………..

Moonbeams can’t hear over the noise and more shit from Pizza, Main course arrives, Latrine gets scolded by the assistants for his red stash under the table, Croc’s deteriorating fast, Hash quite is the impossible plea from GM Nasty, Swollen part breaks the pledge to keep his clothes on, Assistants put a new meaning to “nipple rings”, Latrine’s asleep.

Moonbeams departs, Cum Smoke has got to 134 decibels, Private Dicky Knee has hat on backwards for racing, Blowfly watches the booze black hole blow out to enormous proportions, Flasher’s hat is totally missing, Two Dogs breaks into a cold sweat … GM announcement is coming up, Caustic takes over Latrines red tasting duties, Mumbles and Pizza now understand each other perfectly, VD offers the assistants some advise on Thai dancing and cultural aspects, Assistants have little regard for VD’s opinion, VD offers advice to younger members, younger members have little regard for VD’s opinion, Croc is officially pissed, Assistants depart, Sir Prince calls for Hash Quite and the room drops to a hush…………………. It’s time for the hierarchy announcements.

The Hierarchy Oscars are announced as follows.

Minister for loose ends ………….. Sir AH

On Sec ………….. Kitchen Bitch (F#@&)

Trail Master ……………… Caustic Crusader

Booze Masters ……………. Goat Farker/Cumagen

Religious Advisor …………… Cum Smoke

GRAND MASTER ……………….. FLASHER !!!!!!!!

With the formalities over it was time for a serious bout of Cum Smoke with his newly found powers, working on the old adage “if the shoe fits wear it” our new religious Advisor was in full flight in association with the new GM Flasher ……. down downs and the new innovation for 2010-11 “ICE BUCKETS” were dished out to unruly members including EX GM Nasty.

WELL DONE to Nasty and all Nasty party Hierarchy on an excellent Hash year!!!!!

The evening’s entertainment concluded with a superb display of pole dancing from officially pissed Croc, Cum Smoke headed off to the “big house”, Nasty went home sober, Pizza and Mumbles are in love, Flasher’s hat mysteriously turns up, Flasher decides he doesn’t need it coz he has brand new shiny one now, KB gets the hat, and that’s the end of that.

On On …….. KB.