Run: 1991
Date: 28-12-2015
Location: Broadbeach
Hares: Latrine and Cumsmoke
Runners: 19
and the On Sec gets writers cramp! Well that’s his story, but as we say “Why let the truth stand in the way of a good story”
A great night was had by all that attended. The nosh was bloody fantastic, Roast Turkey, salad, fruit salad and a bottle of Benedictine to toast the night.
Well done.
On On
????
Run: 1990
Date: 21-12-2015
Location: Surfers Paradise
Hares: Hierarchy
Runners: 39
Merry Christmas everyone!!!… It’s that time of year again…and no, it’s not bloody “happy holidays” or any other such politically correct expression…it’s merry bloody Christmas so a happy one to all Hashers and their families from yours truly and the rest of your BTB hierarchy (that’s “back to basics” btw)!!
The lead-up:
Thanks to all of those who undertook all of the preparation that went into making the Christmas run the success that it was, as it involves a lot of work, including discussions with operators of the various drink-stops, telling them that they have to cater for 35 Santas walking in en-masse at certain designated times and most importantly, the organisation of the venue for the dinner, so thank you Sir Two Dogs and Missing Link for the drink stop organisation and thank you Master of C.R.A.P, Nasty, for all your work in organising the venue for the dinner, Niccolini’s, which I am sure we all enjoyed.
The hiccup over which Nasty nearly had a heart attack, with the owner of Niccolini’s telling him at the last minute that having a girl with no top on would be entirely not acceptable, ended up working out OK, with our girl, Crissie, working the tables very professionally and I am sure that we all found her good fun! You will all agree that she was a good sport in the park before we set off to our drink stops!!
The “pre-lube” was held in the park above Bruce Bishop carpark, where our GM, Rug, had organised the nibblies, which consisted of smoked salmon and capers, olives, salami, humos, sausage rolls, chips, crackers and various other delicacies. A fine treat Rug, and thank you! We all devoured it with passion!!
The booze-masters, Brewtus and Weekly, were spared from having to drive tonight as they were capably assisted in getting the booze to the park by our Master of C.R.A.P, Nasty, again thank you for giving the guys a night off from driving.
It was pleasing to see that some of our more infrequent attendees came out of the woodwork to join in the festivities, including Elvis, Swollen Colon, Fucks Off and Big Mac, to name a few. Lurch, whose life has somewhat unravelled of late, was a late starter, missing all but the last drink stop so it was good to see him there too!
We all missed seeing Showpony on the night, wondering if he had taken to heart the debacle of the previous week and with some Hashers having heard that he was “going to give Hash a bit of a break…like about a year”…..come on Showpony, you’re one of us…we want you back…the debacle happened, you copped shit in true Hash fashion, you apologised and it’s all over…got it? It’s all over!!! Future absences will be looked upon extremely unfavourably!!!
The “Run”
The first drink stop on the “run” tonight was at the Fiddler’s Green on Cavill Avenue where we all imbibed at leisure before moving on to the second drink stop, the Lansdowne Road Irish Tavern where our accompanying girl, Crissie, made a few eyeballs pop out when she started flashing some of the drinkers present…the incident with the two gay Japanese guys was funny….and speaking of Japanese, out of somewhere there appeared Miscarriage’s twin brother, funnily enough also dressed in a Santa suit and proceeded to chat up two Japanese girls sitting outside…the conversation did indeed look intense and I am sure that phone numbers were being exchanged….hmmmm….that reminds me that one of our Hashers…..no names mentioned, but newly single I believe, asked me for a certain participant’s phone number…and no, that participant is not a male!!…hmmmm.
From there we moved, after the regulation two pints each, along Surfers Paradise Boulevarde, through the Hilton complex and onto Cavill Mall for our final drink stop, Kitty O’Shea’s on Cavill Mall. Missing Link and yours truly had been advised by the manager of this establishment on our pre-run reccie of the drinkstops that our girl would be welcome and “as long as she stays inside the premises she can do what she likes” which meant that we were all treated to a bit of an “eye-full”, as were a couple of young blokes sitting at the bar who got a bit hot under the collar!!!…..now that is the sort of welcome we like from any venues we attend!! Good fun had by all here!! From there, it was more mayhem and yahooing through the mall, wishing everybody good cheer, including the two “statue” buskers…on on to the dinner venue!!
The dinner and “circle”
Well, I will keep this brief, but what looked like being a total Hash debacle and quite frankly, a total “fuck up” ended up (as I predicted it would happen Link!) a corker of a night, with great food, plenty of wine and beer and with much merriment happening during the course of the dinner, one of the highlights being a very enthusiastic and animated rendition of “Swing Low Sweet Chariot”, led by Elvis, Caustic and Flasher….it was side-splittingly funny. An added bonus…the threatened intolerance regarding our girl never really happened and she worked the tables very capably, joining in the festivities and bringing a smile to a lot of the faces in the crowd!! Onya Crissie!!
Our esteemed GM got up on a chair at the end of the night for an impromptu circle and to thank everybody for coming and to wish all a Merry Christmas…I could have sworn he was talking jibberish thanks to the effects of alcohol….both on him and myself!!
Nasty, as Master of C.R.A.P you have excelled yourself…thanks a heap mate..I know you stressed it…told you it would all work out on the night…you certainly pulled a rabbit out of the hat!
Again…MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!!!
Fanny Charmer
On Sec.
Host: Caustic Crusader
Location: Broadbeach
Date: 18-12-2015
Hashers: 29
It was high noon as we gathered at the Envy Bar for pre lunch drinks. After a few cleansing ales, it was then On On to the Little Malaya Restaurant.
Our Host for the day Caustic Crusader had organised a Thai Buffet for $25 per head and I might add that it was BYO beer, wine and no corkage. Great job Caustic!! I Had to feel a bit sorry for the other customers as we took over the joint in our usual Hash style. We could have been a bit loud at times.
Sir Rabbit was lost for words when it came to his customary closing speech so he had Nasty assist him. Aussie took his hat off in support of a great ventriloquist act. After lunch it was On On back to the Enyy Bar for a few more cleansing ales. The wise ones departed around five, except for a few…but that’s another story. Well done Caustic another day of Hash Fun and a few toooo many beers.
Date: 14/12/5015
Run: 1989
Location: Oxenford
Runners:29
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Tonight’s run took place adjacent to one of my workplaces, the Oxenford Youth and Community Centre, which was indeed fortunate as a few of us had to make good use of the facilities in the centre tonight. The run tonight was brought to you by Flasher as the hare, who went to great pains to emphasise that he was only responsible for the run and had absolutely, repeat…absolutely NOTHING to do with the so-called “nosh” which was “prepared” by Showpony…and I purposely use inverted commas to describe it, but more about that later!!
It has been suggested to me that the run tonight should have been called the Jonestown Massacre run…and for those of you who were present, the following photograph may well remind you of what happened on Monday night…………..
…..yep, there were hashmen all over the place, in various states of gastro-intestinal disrepair!!….some normally hardy souls including Josephine, Sir Blackstump, Swindler, Magician, Sir Prince Valiant, Big O and Bent Banana all succumbed to the noxious offering which had been described as “Show Pony’s Poisonous Pies” which we all thought was supposed to be a bit of a joke, but sadly gents, if it was meant to be a bit of a joke, it certainly backfired BIG TIME!!! I am told that never, repeat..NEVER in the history of hash has there been an intention to harm the participants, but quite frankly, many of us felt that this was indeed the case on Monday…..here is but one sample of several angry emails that I have received today…..
“those hares last night could have killed somebody; seriously. Blackie has had issues with a hole in his stomach, Big O is supposed to have had an ulcer and Now Loved is full of radiation. Josephine & Magician could have had a heart attack and they were obviously in serious discomfort, laying on the ground in agony.That prank may be suitable for adolescents but out of place for us old farts.
I had several good chucks when I got home, by forcing my finger down my throat, as I had serious stomach cramps”.
I can only sympathise with the writer of this email regarding trying to rid his stomach of its vile content because more than one of us tried to do the same thing after ingesting the SHIT that was dished out to us!!…as for whatever else was on offer, which I believe may have been chicken and prawns, well, fuck trying that for a joke!!! I personally was in too much pain and in quite some distress not only at my own pain, but at seeing others suffering equally if not more badly than myself to contemplate having either any of the mains or the dessert that was on offer…and I know that many of us felt the same way.
The run:
Given the events that followed the run, I could not even be bothered with gracing the run with any words….am I offending anybody by adopting this attitude??…see if I give a flying fuck!!! As far as I am concerned, whoever had anything at all to do with organising the debacle ought to seriously consider their future as hashmen, they really should…isn’t it supposed to be about mateship and having a good time together??? Well tonight demonstrated that some don’t give a shit for the welfare of their fellow Hashmen…to see those guys lying on the ground writhing in pain and not give a shit???……I am SO ANGRY!!!! ….and to then have the gall to laugh about it??? Give me a fucking break!! Personally if it had been me that had had anything to do with the events of tonight, I would make a point of absenting myself from Hash until the events of tonight had been long forgotten…SHAME, SHAME, SHAME ON YOU!!!
The Circle:
There were some funny incidents in Circle tonight, but all, in my mind at least, long forgotten and paling into insignificance due to the total fuck up that was tonight…all I can say is that the PRICK OF THE WEEK was well deserved and ought to stay with the recipient in perpetuity!!!
Don’t agree with anything I’ve said???….take it up with somebody who fucking cares!!!…want to have a go at me about what I’ve said???…ohh, please…as they say…have your go!!!
ON A PLEASANT NOTE TO END THE REPORT WITH…..WEEKLY’S SON BRADLEY WILL BE PERFORMING ON CHANNEL 9 THIS SATURDAY AT THE IGA CAROLS SO PLEASE ALL DO WATCH HIM!!!
Fanny Charmer
On Sec.
Date: 7/12/5015
Run: 1988
Location: Ashmore
Hare: Fullershit
Runners:30
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Tonight’s run, brought to you from lovely, downtown industrial Ashmore, came to you all courtesy of Fullershit and his lovely wife Lee, to whom he obviously outsourced the cooking, as she was seen to be slaving away at a hot oven at the back of Chateaux Fuller, also known as his industrial shed, from where he runs one of his many business interests, including the world famous on the Gold Coast E-Rider electric bicycle worldwide distribution centre.
On the topic of outsourcing, it is also to be duly noted that Fullershit outsourced the setting of the run to his mate from Darwin Hash, Sorry…errrr….sorry, what was that?….Exactly!!…very confusing!!
The run:
The run headed off down into the normal well-trodden path from Fullershit’s factory…yawn, yawn…here we go again, we all thought…with the only difference being that the run was to be marked with plastic ribbon tied to poles, trees and all sorts of other weird places, with two ribbons indicating a check, three ribbons an on-back or something like that!….anyway, young Sorry must have only gone out to set the run with about three metres of tape to his name ‘cause there certainly wasn’t much of it around!!
The Nosh:
The Nosh started with nibbles of two dipping jars and corn chips…nice to see the “gourmet” back in this Hash! Mains was a turkey that Fullershit (with my help) managed to massacre, along with a cooked ham….both were delicious and served with potatoes, carrot and assorted other veges, with a nice gravy (Gravox if I am not mistaken)….pity that those at the front of the queue had absolutely no idea at all about portion control and totally disregarded the presence of twenty other blokes at the back when dishing out the turkey for themselves…oh well, at least there was plenty of the ham and it was lovely!!…the crackling was a nice touch……..
but the best part of the Nosh was the theatrical entrance made by none other than KB, who roared down the street in one of his employer’s vehicles, an F-type V8 Jaguar….nice to see you again KB and it was nice to ogle your car. Our GM decided he would like to be taken for a test drive so off they roared up the street with all baffles on the exhaust open…when they returned, the GM was asked if he was going to be putting a deposit on one, his reply was “I already have…I shit myself in the front seat!” …..and with that little episode over, we all tucked into dessert…again a fine gourmet offering of…ummm…I do know there was ice cream with it….oh yes, hang on…that’s right…diced strawberries!!!…and having learnt his lesson, Fullershit was sitting there ensuring that we all only took four pieces of strawberry each! A good effort Fullershit (and Lee)!!
The Circle:
Tonight’s debacle started off with Rug….oh yes, that’s right…he is our long absent GM…..welcoming us all to circle and justifying his absence…..”I was only away for three months you know…it was supposed to have been four!”
First victim in Circle tonight…Fullershit and his Darwin mate Sorry, whom I believe is down here on the Gold Coast doing a quadruple degree at Griffith University in something to do with engineering…or was it a Cert III in arithmetic in order to qualify for all the degrees??? In any case, let’s hope he stays with the Hash as it will get our average age (currently at around 68) down considerably!! Most apologetic was dear Sorry for failing dismally in setting a well-marked run and getting us all totally off-trail, but thanks to the familiarity of the territory, not lost at all!
Now-Loved was welcomed back to Hash and out the front for having lost his passport and other belongings in downtown Bangkok! No further discussions on this topic as to do otherwise would break our golden rule…what happens on tour stays on tour!! Word does however have it that our esteemed GM was responsible for leading Now Loved somewhat astray!
Carefree was then brought out for a down-down for his part in apparently recommending the hotel where all of the disasters unfolded…oh dear!
Bluecard came out for a down-down for leaving his “mark” on the trip to Burma, with Sir Slab commenting that “next time I organise a tour I’m going to have to buy these blokes corks to bung them up!” Apparently, so disgusting was the state of BlueCard’s nether regions that he did not need a passport to cross from Burma into Thailand and he was quickly ushered through the border crossing.
The Prick of the Week award was passed with undue haste and little justification from Fullershit to Sir Prince Valiant…I don’t think that this will be end of this matter!! With SPV muttering something along the lines of “he’s not getting away with this….I’m on Hierarchy”.
It needs to be said that Mme Latrine was in excellent form tonight, carrying on in Circle like a forlorn schoolboy, gesturing, making appropriate noises and otherwise totally misbehaving, just as one should in Hash!
Nutcracker has now moved to the Gold Coast permanently so is no longer considered a visitor from the Posh Hash in Sydney…pity he’s such an old prick…doesn’t do anything to get our average age down!!
With that…Josephine announced (in the absence of Moonbeams)…end of circle!!
Next week’s run…Courtesy of Showpony and Flasher…from the sporting fields near the pigeon club and cricket club at Oxenford…right by the Oxenford Youth and Community Centre too!
Fanny Charmer
On Sec.