Run: 1716
Hare: Elvis
Location: Labrador
Date: 20th Sept., 2010

Darkness had already fallen upon Musgrave Avenue’s dog park as a motley handful of hounds emanated from the dark drizzle to crouch under the open tailgate of Swollen Colon’s van to evade the inclement weather. With only 6 hounds assembled 3 minutes before the scheduled run start – an ON HOME – was called to the PROPER venue at the Soccer Club premises on the northern side of Musgrave Avenue where the remaining hounds waited.

Hare ELVIS was in full soccer regalia and delayed the start to 6:23 pm in hopes of stragglers. With less than 20 Hashers assembled, the Hare advised the trail was WELL marked. Honestly, Elvis had set the run 3 (that’s THREE) times to ensure sufficient flour, paper and chalk survived the rainy weather.
THE RUN?
With a lack of enthusiasm never, ever, witnessed by this journo, the beleaguered dirty dozen headed out across the paddock. Some hounds never ever left the gate. Our esteemed Grand Master, Flasher announced a Shin Splint would ensure he remained dry for the evening (and ready for the Indochina Mekong Hash in Cambodia in October). Aussie, who announced he was planning to travel to Cairns this Thursday, also remained behind to safeguard his health and the Hash booze. Point Two claimed he was designated driver and would also remain a booze minder so as to ensure proper company for the GM and other lazy clods. Sir Slab, who is still languishing from Interhashitis, cajoled Circumference – and possible another one or two – into a five minute “walk”.

The departing paddock crew was not much better off. Within 2 minutes of the run commencing in the downpour, Swollen Colon veered westward and then south in search of the lost trail. Mademoiselle Latrine went wayward north with the Boozemaster while the remaining pack sauntered and slipped in the green ooze eastward. It fell to Sir Prince Valiant to horn the On On as the ever decreasing pack went east then south to the dog park. It was a limited engagement, I tell you. Two Dogs, Sir Prince Valiant, Sir Rabbit, Missing Link, Shetland, Cum Smoke, Ferrett? and only 2 others managed to hold the trail. Rug – being the pompous POM, had the audacity to carry an umbrella over himself the entire time as he sauntered at the heels of the half dozen who mired their way through the darkness and slop. Swollen Colon, Boozemaster and Latrine caught up with the pack (not hard when the front running bastards are all WALKING) and the pack now reassembled – and nine strong – reverted to Musgrave Avenue – to encounter our Hare, Elvis (standing under an umbrella) to point the pack westward along Musgrave Avenue.

The rain began to relent but the tempo of the bedraggled, small pack did not increase. Two Dogs bolted westward to pass Latrine in search of paper whilst Swollen Colon powered north on Sir Valiant’s instructions which he’d received from the Hare (who was at the venue saving his energy for an 8:30 soccer match). Further trail was SIMPLY not to be found and Missing Link put the death knell on the evening’s jaunt by stating “it’s 7 now and when we get back it’s time to be home” – so in a total sign of surrender, the five remaining Hash men WALKED with slosh in their shoes whilst one Hasher awaited the long on back from Two Dogs for the on Home.

The Hare, to his credit, was acutely aware of the inclement weather’s affects on his fellow Hashers and offered each one of them a HOT SHOWER – something no one anticipated or utilized. Most Hashers were just content to get stuck right into the nosh of medium grained white rice served with one’s choice of Australian style beef or chicken curry. Cum Smoke, who decided to come dressed as a St Kilda fan, and not the Resident Advisor, produced a family sized soup dish and had the catering Sheila’s’ fill it four times. Others were content to return for the second variety of curry and/or sample the apple tart with vanilla ice cream and fruit salad.

With only 17 Hashers present, the Grand Master called the circle to disorder. Two Hashers didn’t even bother to stand.

DOWN DOWNS–

* The Hare for setting a trail three times and yet not a single Hasher could stay on it or complete the 6 km run Elvis had reset twice after setting.

* Rug – for not finding the yellow P on Rock Hard’s pants in the last Hash photos of run 1715.

* Sir Rabbit – for turning 62 years old and not even thinking about bringing a case of Crownies for the Hounds. (This journo has it on good authority that Sir Rabbit will, however, rectify this on next week’s run to evade the block ice).

* Sir Prince Valiant – for not doing the Laundry Valet Service that he was assigned to clean, wash and fold from Ferrett’s run 1715.

PRICK OF THE WEEK – Mademoiselle Latrine (renamed Mademoiselle Obscene by Miscarriage last week) decided that:

• given his recent operation involving loss of consortium
• the upcoming Splinter Hash this Friday, 24 September (Sampaguita Restaurant, Shop 13, 2468 Gold Coast Highway, Mermaid Beach – host Ferrett)
• that Latrine’s run is next week anyway (from Len Fox Park on Marine Parade in Labrador –expect and A to B or B to A run with a drink stop, great nosh and ice in the circle, Sir Rabbit!)

He’d retain the POW for another week – being able to put it to good use in the interim.

The record short circle closed at 8:31 pm as the rain came to stop.

And that’s the TRUTH!

ON ON .. Mademoiselle Latrine (guest scribe)

Run: 1715
Hare: Ferret
Location:  Miami
Date: 13th Sept., 2010

Ferrett’s birthday bash was not to be missed!!!!!

70 years young and still firing on all cylinders!!

Seems Ferret’s hash career start thank to Mrs Ferrett, Margaret had joined this runners club in Singapore in 1974 and our Ferrett was sitting at home for the first few months wondering what the heck Mrs Ferrett was up to that seemed soooooooooo enjoyable. Wasn’t long before a mixed night to invite spouses and partners alone happened and our Ferrett rocks along to his first hash run/meeting……….. well the rest is history!!!!

Ferrett has had an amazing time in hash over those 36 years and his 70^th. birthday bash was not to be any different.

Seems Ferrett thought the celebrations through very carefully and got “outa town” on a cruise with the kids and grandkids for a fantastic family trip.

Now back in town it’s time for the hash run for “Bazza’s Birthday Bash” On On over the hill …. Walkers just head off till you get sick of it and head back this way!!!

ONE HOUR AND TWENTY MINUTES LATER our first exhausted runners stagger back to the start looking for a cold drink……… “never fear Ferrett’s here” birthday Crownies and German beers are on ice just waiting for the pack. First back are Blowfly, Shet and Flasher ( not lost this time)

A secret spread to put a royal banquet to shame is brewing further up the hill away from the freeby drinks ………. The pack adjourns to the hill and a clod spread fit for a birthday bash is revealed!!! WOW FERRETT how do you do it for the money (must be getting clues from Sir Prince)

8.35 pm….The FIRST circle of the night is a called and the FIRST cake of the night is lit to celebrate Ferrett’s 70^th. Ferrett makes a heart rendering speech that takes a whole 32 seconds !!! Ferrett is getting the shits with Flasher’s insistence with the timing of things ……. Little does he know that Flasher has the Patty cake Patty cake gig all sorted.

*.50 pm … The SECOND circle of the night is called…………..

GM Flasher announces this week’s sponsor after the overwhelming success Bent Banana has experienced … seems he is off spending the profits from one week flying first class to distant places with bulging pockets ( well I think it was his pocket that was bulging) Sir Prince Valiant’s Naked Valet Service is named as this week’s sponsor ……… seems ironing SMALL things and darning socks are a specialty!!!!!!!

“ Leave your dirty hash gear here and get it back next week fully processed “ is the introductory offer from Valiant’s Valet according to GM Flasher.

The Hare is called to circle for comments on the run …… Too fucking long !!!! says Botcho

Josephine claims the motor bike ran out of fuel after an hour.. it was that long!!

Caustic claims to have worn out his new shoes …. It was that fucking long !!

Guess it was a long run ?????????

The nosh ………. Jigsaw loved the cake !!!!!!!!

Point Two was asked to score the nosh and said the 30 Cheerios and 30 eggs tasted great.

Point Two casts a very tough score of 8.3/10 ( Worth heaps more !!! on sec )

Blowfly gives a note.

FERRETT TAKE A SEAT …… it’s your birthday!!!

Crock calls for the walking frame !!!!!

Josephine says ….. might as well do a deal and get the shitting frame too.

Returning runners are called ……… Swollen ……… Been out in Goat Farka territory.

Latrine ……… Just got back from interhash … only took 3 months!!!!!

Circumference …….. been in FNQ , Thursday Island and out looking for the lost/stolen/abandoned IRONING BOARD.

Latrine presents a banner as a present for the GM from Interhash …. GM holds it up and the pack can read the first two thirds of it ……. Crocodile is to the rescue and elevates the GM to dizzy heights for him and the full banner is revealed.

VD gives a note and Latrine drops the DD in 1.2 seconds flat!!!!!!

GM calls for Blowfly to answer the secret letter quiz and Caustic claims MANY fudging members ???????? It backfires on Caustic ….. Who has no frigging idea of the letter. Blowfly does and announces “J” is this week’s letter.

Caustic gets a DD.

Blowfly gives him a note!!

GM checks that Ferrett is still awake!!!!!!!!

Latrine announces that on his travels he has had a need to have a “Penectomy” for some reason……… Most of us want MORE not less?????????

Jigsaw gets a “stiff arm” for random comments and NOT SINGING in circle, he proceeds to get 3 drops in the gob!!

Latrine invites our neighboring French tourists to join the circle and take a mandatory DD

POW Miscarriage…….

His contenders are

Rainbow …….. Sir Prince ………Sir Rabbit …….. Aussie …………..

But the stand out is “Latrine” ……… having had his Penectomy …. He obviously needed a prick, so he got one !!!!!!!!!!

Latrine goes straight to world record status ……….. He drops the POW half yard glass (full) in one gulp and 2 seconds flat!!!!!!!!!!!!

Patty Cake Patty Cake GM Flasher …….. calls for the pack to assist in making a birthday cake for Ferrett.

Sir Prince just happens to have the flour ……… Ferrett gets it all over the head ….. looking a bit greyer today. Rug has the two eggs ….. you guessed it they go on the head too.

Aussie has the strawberry jam ……. GM has the icing ( tube of), Caustic has the candles .

There you go, a HASH BIRTHDAY CAKE …… Ferrett get gets a hash birthday song and a peck on the cheek from our French female tourist.

Well done Ferrett ………. You sure did deliver !!!!!!!!!

Next week’s run ……… Elvis in dogshit park Labrador.

Swollen gives a joke about the state of his car altered by our indigenous friends.

Circle closed 9.30 PM.

Apology ….. Sorry the trash is soooooooo late this week guys your I have moved house ( WHAT A NIGHTMARE) and BEEN OFF THE AIR!!!

On On

KB

Run: 1714
Hare: Sir Slab & Sir Prince
Location: Robina
Date: 6th Sept., 2010

Robina Cricket meeting or not the run venue was ours!!!

The pack gathered and the faintest waft of Thai spices was already in the air.

Sir Slab you’re on -> that way, and off went the back into alleyways and tracks that no-one knew existed in this built up area. A fantastic run though all sorts of terrain and back to be greeted with a strong nomination for N.O.T .Y.

Sir Prince is in his glory ………. Cleaver in hand, pots and wok on the boil and 25 kilograms of prime chicken fillets at bargain basement prices, our Asian chef shows how it’s done for “just a tad “over the hash nosh allowance. Thai soup followed by enough Thai green curried chicken to feed not only the whole pack to overflowing, Cumsmoke three helpings and then the Robina Cricket Club Committee to boot.

Just when we all about to burst …. Out comes the famous Sir Prince Banana fritters and ice cream ……… the diet and the budget are now officially shot to pieces.

8.40pm circle is called.

First up is NOT the hares as usual but our two booze masters………… Where the fuck is the ironing board alter demands GM Flasher??? How the hell can you lose such a precious and expensive piece of Hash gear you two twits???? Seems Cumagen didn’t tie it on, or Goatfarka has been boogey boarding behind the Goat Boat. Either way these two are obviously shattered to realize they will not have to lug this item from pillar to post each week.

GM announces another new innovation in hash ….. a weekly sponsor !!!

First out of the blocks is Bent Banana’s Bawdy Boutique ………. Edible undies and pushem up bras are on introductory special this week only!!!

Next up are the two hares ……… Sir’s Slab and Prince Valiant.

1000 years hashing rolled into one night!!!!!!!!!!!

Shet is asked to comment and quotes the run as the best on he has been on (in the last six weeks) Botcho, last year’s trail master says “excellent, good false trails…. Even Miscarriage helped by leading the pack down most of them”.

On the nosh ……Missing Link says “great …. Excellent …. Well presented too!”

Even the Cricket team got to vote !!!

Veteran gives a note !!!!!!!!

Caustic calls for a point score and Missing Link gives it 9.5/10 …. A clear leader in the N.O.T.Y stakes.

Returning Runners …… Shet (6 Weeks) Blackstump, Showpony, Sqeeky Fart (son of Old) are called to circle to hear Blackies “near death” experience.

Seems there is something to be said for Dicky Knees slow training methods, as Blackie has spent over 10,000 hrs training, 1,000 Klms on the bike, 2,500 Klms running and to Tasmania and back swimming…. All that to miss the plane by a day!!! Seems it left today without our Blackie for good reason ( and thank goodness it did) Our Blackie wasn’t feeling the best last week at hash so off to Pindara emergency he goes ….. You’ve peaked early Blackie says the doc!!! “You’ve got massive sperm build up in the legs old boy!!” or was it deep vein thrombosis ????????? So if Blackie had survived the plane trip (not so likely apparently)he would most have certainly ended up in a Budapest hospital, which aint soooooo pretty.

But the cure is in sight ….. “Easy Blackie” says the Doc. “Just take these 180 injections over the next few months with two a day into your guts, turn yourself into a human condom with this elastic gut to ankle thingey and don’t have sex for three months”. That’s all !!! Then you’ll be right as rain again.

GM makes another appointment ( the hierarchy is looking like the house of Lords)

After sniggers about frivolous charges coming our of last week from some un-named hashers, Sir Rabbit has been appointed “Honorary Ombudsman of Frivolity” making him the adjudicator of all charges.

Caustic asks ………. Is that with a silent “P” ……… P O O F ?????????

R/A is called.

Blackie gets it for his “sore legs sob story”

Miscarriage gets it just as payback

Sir Rabbit adjudicates on his P O O F capacity and gives a note.

Booze masters get it for running out of red ( a MAJOR crime) and light beer.

Caustic and Shet get charged too and Goaty fronts up to say “I’m outahere” so betta find another booze master to help my mate out. I’m off to Centrelink Cairns!!!

Thanks for all your friendship in hash and DON’T look me up in Cairns!!!! (you’ll keep)

( Been great having you Goaty ….. we will miss your humour)

Cumagen accidently spills his DD on half the pack ( Booze masters do that …. Coz they think that shit is all theirs)

Shet gives a note!

Charges are called for ………..

You guessed it …….. Miscarraige is up first (why is he sooooooo quiet??)

Rockhard is attacked for having the “temerity” (big word for a little man) to call Miscarriage Missing Link …… However it seems Miscarriage’s eye sight is failing him!!! Rockhard is of course this week’s POW and under that coat of his lurks “the prick” …………..

It’s yours Miscarriage !!!!!!! ……….. P.O.W!!

Miscarriage protests to our newly appointed POOF Sir Rabbit who simply states …… your fucked old boy !!!!!

Rock hard gives a note and Miscarriage goes into equal first place in the POW half-yard DD stakes taking only two gulps to get it down.

Rug is up next and attempts to strap on the ultimate charge……….. Seems a hash member had advised him where to get new printer cartridges at the right price ….. but if you have been in MI6 you don’t need to read the instructions ( Two Dogs says British Intelligence is impossible … they don’t go in the same sentence ???) ……… so permanent tattoos on his hands and $1,500 worth of fucked carpet later Rug tries to lay the blame on GM Flasher and charges him, calling for “icing” …… GM Flasher admits some blame and R/A puts it to the vote as to icing or not………… the resounding vote is “YES ICING!!”

Good ……….. RUG you’re on the ice ……… no bare feet for our GM ….. Get you bare arse on it !!!

Squeaky Fart gives a note.

Sir Slab advises the pack that Yetti from Christchurch NZ has texted back on the earthquake after Sir Slab enquired on his wellbeing .. the reply was “House fucked –wife OK’’ or was that the other way round??????

Rug is off the ice.

A member was charged by GM Flasher that he had received a call from some black guy looking for a member to look after his sister ….. something to do with having elbowed cat or something??

Josephine survived the secret hidden code quiz.

NEXT WEEKS RUN ……. NOT TO BE MISSED

BAZZA’S BIRTHDAY BASH at the FERRET hole. 70 Years and going strong !!!!!!!!

Moonbeams called END OF CIRCLE …. 9.30 on the knocker.

Bye Bye Goaty … safe travels!!

On On

KB.

Run: 1713
Hare: Pizza & Jigsaw
Location: Chevron Island
Date: 30th August, 2010

Our stand-in last minute hares gather on the western end of Chevron Island to greet the pack and send them on the way with the promise of a great “drink stop” on the way round.

Pizza heads off just after the pack leaves in his trusty ute and greets half the pack on the way over the Chevron bridge .. The word is out !!!!! Drinks will be at the “Pizza Hut”!!! Pizza’s work in progress abode opposite the golf course. Caustic/ Scarface is the sweeper following the pack off in the general direction of the NSW border. The SCB’s soon figure Pizza’s joint is just along here and round the corner; they are greeted with numerous icy cold beers with red wine chasers both brewed by our Italian stud, with the grapes squashed with his own feet during some sex romp in the back yard wine vat. There’s only 52 litres of the beer and 640 litres of the red announces Pizza ……… so drink up boys!!!!! “AND SO THEY DID !!!”

Over the next 40 minutes the pack came in from all directions with every excuse imaginable for SCB’s. Pizza calls “last drinks at 7.45 pm ….coz I gotta take these wogs stayin ear to tha airport, so fuck off!!!

Back to the nosh on Chevron and Jigsaw takes the tag team duo to the next level.

Seems sister-in-law Helen has (been) volunteered to do the cooking with a great lasagna and Jigsaw’s secret recipe dessert being enjoyed by all.

8.35 PM Circle is called.

The hare comment is first and Josephine declares he got on the piss early and headed off West ……. Good solid run and great drinks stop too!!!

The Bent Banana gave “Helen’s Nosh” 8/10 commenting on the great herbs used in the dish.

The pack gave Helen a telecommunications DD along with Jigsaw while Pizza was off delivering the wogs to the airport.

GM Flasher declares “he is not FEELING himself” ???????……..(that will be a change)

Returning runners Bung, Blowfly and Josephine are called to get a DD . Josephine lodges his usual protest claiming “you’re short on numbers (That will be enough of the SHORT comments) Sir Rabbit gives a note.

POW Rockhard is called with all the POW gear still firmly in the carry bag.

KB gets nominated for being on the piss at Pizza’s ALL NIGHT (as you may see in these notes)

Rockhard gets the POW back for hierarchy abuse (finally) and ROCKHARD YOU’RE ON THE ICE.???

Point Two gets through the secret code letter quiz!!!!!!

Aussie gets it for 3.30 AM spam not knowing the moon from Mars. Goat Farka gives our extraterrestrial traveler a note.

Aussie is back in for further travel tales …… seems the Saturday Sharks game was transferred to Sunday and they told the other 15,000 people and forgot our lonely little Aussie. Bent Banana gives a note!!!

Jigsaw stands in for his co-hare Pizza and charged with No Effort.

Seems Pizza is quoted as saying “You would only #$@% a harriet if you are too lazy to W@#$ yourself !!! Hmmmmmmmmmm S.O.L. appears to have changed Pizza’s stand on this subject.

Old Fart gives a note !! ( What the hell is he doing here SO early??)

Rectum claims to have carried Old Fart all the way !!!! Old Fart gets a DD and Rectum gives a note.

Charges are called.

KB charges Caustic with now knowing what it’s like to have a gash .. as usual KB’s charge backfires and KB gets the DD

Sir Prince Gets a DD for some reason the on sec cannot read (told you I was getting pissed)

Goat Farka escapes and Caustic and Point Two both end up on the ice (Caustic is cheating with the feet locations …… but watch this space) “Fucking pathetic” protests Point Two (that’ll get you 5 minutes more)

R/A and GM abuse, and profanities continue to cascade from the guilty pair to see their time extended numerous times.

Bent Banana offers a hash prayer of three verses.

Point Two is off the ice!!!!!!

Goat Farka is wacked for “bad attitude” declares……. don’t give a fuck …. I’m off to Cairns (You’ll be back!!)

Next week’s run … Sir Prince.

Old Fart has secured the Hash trailer a new home …….. Gold Card coming for SURE !!!!!

However that’s not the only Gold Card Old Fart is getting this week …….. seems Telstra has seen 32 years as long enough to support aging scout masters and Old Fart is about to get the MASSIVE redundancy package ….. 12 September will be a big day …….The 13^th is a Monday so be ready for Old Fart’s shout!!!

Sir Rabbit gives a note !!!!!!

Goat Farka is observed getting into Cairns mode early joining Caustic in the no shoes brigade.

Circle closes 9.10PM

Another day in Hash land closes in a fog of alcoholic (p)mist.

Thanks for the lift Goaty.

On On

KB.