Run: 1720
Hare: Two Dogs & Hierarchy
Location: Main Beach
Date: 18th Oct, 2010

With all graft corruption and OBVIOUS slings in place, the final starting grid and handicaps were in place for the highly contested Two Dogs V8 dash.

KB gets the job of catering for the nosh and asks Two Dogs “how many do you normally get ??? Maybe 30 !!! Two Dogs replies. Hmmmmmmm !!! Better throw in a few more “just in case” me thinks.

33,34 and they are still coming………. Shit !!!!!

The pack gathers, Veteran stretches quietly out of site, Cumsmoke hands over a paper bag ( wonder just what is in it). Swollen is studying the street directory and Caustic is applying the camouflage paint. All is ready!!!! 38,39 FUCK 40 Starters!!!! Must be summer and Two Dogs has completely underestimated his own popularity.

8 minute starters head off much to the heckling of the more handicapped (non payers) in Two Dog’s list.

Last ones away are Pussy Boy, Hitler and Dumbshit…. So they should they are less than half the age of most of the pack.

First back is Pizza who has had a casual stroll down Tedder Ave spreading Hash goodwill. Better get over here and help out KB Pizza I’m in the shit with the numbers.
Official first back arrives not long after and full marks to the handicapper the whole pack is back within 3 minutes from first to last.

Race track food is the order of the day ……… So this is where I your sharing and caring On Sec needs to pass on a very appreciative THANK YOU to a few very willing volunteers who jumped in to help with the nosh. Firstly Sir Prince … one quick call and the Wok, Oil, gas ring and tools were there along with Sir Prince’s help. Then Pizza jumped in and chopped up all the extra bits, Dicky Knee lined all the fish and chip bags and Sir AH was ever willing to assist with (portion control) serving the masses. Let alone the calls on Monday arvo to offer assistance from a few others, to all of you THANK YOU!!!

Paper bag fish and chips followed by hot dogs and then a steak sandwich with the late offer of optional bacon seemed to fill the bellies of the hungry lot. Somehow we got through (sorry to the few guys who missed out on the fish and chips) just enough hot dogs and one and a half steaks left over.

Our stand in GM Sir AH calls for circle ……. It’s 8.05 pm.

The hare Two Dogs is called to circle and gives a summary of the event. 40 runners !!! 3 Minutes over the total finish times and a pocket full of graft and corruption…….. not a bad event!!!
Fastest time goes to Kee Tee ??? at 18.16 minutes followed by Pussy boy and Blow fly seconds behind.

Turd Third place somehow goes to our R/A Cumsmoke ( he either has plenty on Two Dogs or has done some sort of immunity deal.. Me thinks)

Second place goes to a very deserving Cumagen who arrived back in a lather of sweat 3 seconds behind our winner “Veteran”

Prizes at enormous expense are handed to the podium finishers and last year’s winner Swollen hands over the official winners shirt complete with this year’s perspiration dripping from it to our very deserving winner. DDs all round and Swollen gives a note.

Two Dogs thanks KB, Dicky Knee, Sir Prince, Pizza and Sir AH for doing the nosh.

Bent Banana jumps in and announces next week’s run is from Poofter Park at Nerang (first rule of hash ????)

The story of the sequel to last week’s run comes out … it seems Swollen and the German interpreter having been chucked out of the brewery a tad early decided to visit the Grand Hotel and spread a little Hash goodwill. Well somehow they must have caught the eye of the bouncer. “Can’t wear that in here sir” So the swat sicker comes off. “Can’t wear that in here sir” So the hat comes off. Can’t have that in here sir” So the bag with all the gear goes out to the car!!

“Think you and your lanky friend had better leave sir”…. FUCK YOU !!

And that was the end of the goodwill trip for another year!!

Pizza gives a note sounding more like a version of Italian opera (maybe)

Sir AH finds a very somber moment and calls on Miscarriage to impart his wealth of knowledge on blissful marriage, giving Blowfly invaluable guidance for his future happiness.

POW Pizza is called to circle confessing to a slight over indulgence last week resulting in misplacing the “prick” Hmmmmmmm !!
Seems Caustic stole it !!

Pizza has done “NO preparation on the POW “so he takes the opportunity to let the pack know that he is not taking kindly to the new Christian names he has been given at Hash lately. He finds the new names of “Fuck off” Pizza, “ Shut the fuck up” Pizza and “Piss off” Pizza a little offensive…. But we all know what happens when you complain about your Hash name… Don’t we!!

Caustic gives a note

Pizza come back later with the POW candidates”.

Sir AH announces a Gold Card will be awarded tonight !!!! Sir Prince is the awarded one, and well deserved too!!!

KB gives him a note.

THE R/A is called.

CHARGES ???

Sir Prince pipes up and asks if any Hashman knows about a recent incident in Spain.

Seems Miscarriage might have headed down the spread a little Hash goodwill into the gay area of Madrid… off to the internet café with the 24 year old daughter of a close (not now) friend ….. That somehow tuned into turning up at a “Pommy Bay” at 4am meeting a Spanish guy (hard to do in Spain ???

Seems Miscarraige was bigger than him …… (Call the Guinness book of records quick)
Lost his “I-phone” , Lost the 24 year old, Lost 300 Euro and copped a phone bill of $2,500.

NOT BAD FOR A TRIP to “The internet café”

So now he is off to Thailand to see if he can better that effort!!!!

Ferret gives a note.

Pussy boy gets nabbed for new shoes …. A smelly DD follows

Hitler offers the note.

Pizza is back for POW nominations …….. He is still waffling!!

Sir Rabbit REJECTS all the lame charges.

Pizza gets the POW back !!!

Fuck .. that means he will be back next week!!!!!!!!

Dicky Knee offers a note.

Visitors are called
ex Tasmanian Hasher Tee Kee?? and second time runner Mirco from Switzerland get a DD
Dicky Knee offers another note.

Show Pony, Black stump, Moonbeams, Nasty and Semen along with Two Dogs get a DD
R/A offers the note.

Missing Link reminds all off the rules regarding your cost for the Christmas run…… bottom line is … it’s 8 weeks away and you need to have 10 runs up or you will pay extra over the standard $20

RETURNING RUNNERS

(Dobbed by Hitler) Miscarraige and Pussy Boy.
Aussie gives a note.
It’s 8.45pm and Moonbeams calls … “End of circle”

On On
KB.
Thanks again Prince, Dicky, Sir AH, Pizza and Bung ( for the paper again)

Run: 1719
Hare: Swollon Colon & Hierarchy
Location: Biggera waters
Date: 11th Oct, 2010

Well…. some will have seen the On Sec in the blonde wig.
Seems the On Sec had a blonde (or maybe seniors) moment, spent too much time in the kitchen and completely forgot to take notes.

So I will wing it from the foggy memories I have outside of the beautiful water wings on our assistant for the night.

The night started many weeks ago and always promised to be a good one !!
DRESS AND SPEAK GERMAN !!!! were the instructions from trail master Caustic.
Vell zee night vas to be a whole eep of zee fun if za mood and get ups of zee pack vas any inducassshion! Sir AH even has zee original 1939 model !!!! Link has zee lederhosen found in some gay bay in Munich.

Colonel Schultz from zee German short arm regiment assisted by his interpreter Sergeant Hietowzer Frederik Latrine zee turd gave zee pack zee long and zee short of it on zee rrrun.
Zee walkerrrs vill go arooound zee block and zee rrrrrunners will follow zee trail on the shortest hash runn in history yaaa!!!

A record 12 (yes TWELVE) of the pack stayed back at zee brewery to ASSIST the assistant and sample zee booze.

Aussie bottled his own brew to share with zee pack ……ONE DAY !!

Back in record time the pack got their hands on the complimentary beer glasses and the booze flowed freely.

Circle first calls Flasher ….. Dicky Knee is no-where to be seen so Flasher has to call it again and again.

ICE, ICE and more ICE it is obvious the R/A has finally lost control of the weather gods and his is in zee shitenhouser.

Icings are the flavor of the night including ex GM Nasty bare arsed on the ice.

Hitler and Pussy Boy get it for selective attendance and stand on the ice.

FINALLY ………… The R/A gets it and Flasher gives him the ultimate of icings with BOTH feet on the ICE TUB.

POW goes to the “quite one” Pizza who could be talking Italian, German or Swahili and no one would know the difference.

Moonbeams calls end of circle!!

Sir Prince’s German snags, KB’s spuds, Sis AH’s sauerkraut and Link’s Apple strudel are found very popular with the pack and our assistant cleaning up the lot.
It’s now 9 O’clock and the curfew at the brewery is here, thank goodness we are all getting a bit pissy!!!

On zee On yaaa!

KB

Run: 1718
Hare: Arseup & VD
Location: Ashmore
Date: 4th Oct, 2010

Summer must be here !!!!

Our Hash numbers are on the increase!!

27,28,29 FUCK !!! say VD.

The pack gathers in the middle of beautiful Benowa for VD’s third run this year (should have it right by now!!) Arse-up has set a trail through the scrub and around the hills of Benowa … markings are under trees and lights where ever possible and the recent heavy rain appears to be staying away….. Amazing the powers of our R/A !!!
31,32,33 FUUUUUUUUCK !!!! VD calls KB in ……..Portion control!!! Portion control!!!

The pack heads out into the wilds and the walkers take a leisurely stroll around the hills, only to spot Sir Prince leaving out the side gate of a property….. “just popped in for a coldly” ………….Where’s ours???

The pack gathers back at the park with excellent comments flowing on the run!!

34,35 FUCK 36

More water in the soup KB !!!

GM Flasher calls “circle in 5 Minutes”

Able assistant Dicky Knee calls “Circle in 5 Minutes”

The beer flows freely and the rumor spreads that the Booze Master MAY have secured an assistant booze master and we will soon be back on the “ Keg gig” real soon.

Flasher calls circle in 3 Minutes.

Dicky Knee calls circle in 4 Minutes ????

Sir AH is hiding from the R/A … figures that painting job cannot have gone well with all this rain … “I’m laying low “

Circle in 1 minute says Flasher

Circle in 4 minutes say Dicky Knee.

Shut the fuck up says Flasher.

Circle in 1 minute is the immediate response from Dicky!!

8.30 PM on the dot circle is called.

Why are we waiting ?? Why are we waiting?? Echoes through the park… seems Flasher had trouble with the mystery dog collar and chain ????????????????

Tonight’s sponsor is announced as Ferret’s Fumigation Service ( Beds are a specialty) Dutch ovens optional.

First up as usual are the hares…. Arse Up and VD

Moonbeams is asked for his input on the run …… “Sweeping was great and a very interesting run with great markings GM” At times Moonbeams didn’t know if he was heading North, South East or West he says!! ( not bad considering he walked it )

8 out of 10 GM !!! was the score.

Sir Slab commented on the nosh and asked VD if he came in on budget????

OF COURSE !!!!! says VD

Great job !!!! MATE was Sir Slab’s comment … it was noted that NO score out of ten was offered. It should also be noted that the portion control worked a treat with a few lucky hashers even coming back for seconds.

Bent Banana offers a note.

Ferret is busy counting and POTENTIALLY doubting the hash cash’s numbers…. Seems his accounting background sees him have the occasional break out in this direction ……. All is well the count is confirmed at 36.

RETURNING RUNNERS.

Nasty ….. Back from China ( AGAIN) and Singapore.

Dumb shit …. Back from Bali.

Moonbeams …… back from his fourth honeymoon.

Pizza …… back from the Paris end of Bundall and his new computer course.

Semen …. Back from the blue waters of the Pacific.

Mumbles …… Back from visiting Rose (great to see you back)

IT WAS NOTED THAT THERE WERE NO PRESENTS FOR THE GM from any of these R/Rs. Pizza offered a dose of some STD he carries but it was politely declined.

Mumbles then finds a need to bring the pack up to speed with what has gone on in his absence ….. Your On Sec will attempt to translate.

“ Mmmmm nnnnn zzz the mmmm zzzz wwww and mmmmm plunger mmmm nnnn zzzzzzz wwwwwww so the mmmmmmmm hhhh nn . Then I mmmmmmmmm www vvnnnnnnnn ppppppppp nnn oooo plunger got mmmm nnn ssssssssss oooooo . So that’s the way it was.”

Swollen offered a note.

VISITORS ….

Just Stephen quest of Caustic.

Short circuit. (Interhash reporter)

Tidal wave. Moving here.

Mumbles offers a note..

Next up is our illustrious R/A in full regalia.

He enters the circle with an obvious amount of spunk in his stride.

First up are the hares ……. Complimentary bugs in the nosh is the charge.

Seems the R/A is the only one with them …… (must have been standing next to Pizza)

Dicky Knee offers a note.

Latrine is called in for his Harry High Pants …. Standing next to the R/A he still tops his height even with the Papal hat on.

Now Loved is also called for Dress code regulations .. simple answer for the shirt on inside out ……… “the outside is dirty R/A”

Booze Master is in for transferring the Hieneken brewery from Holland to Germany without telling the dutch.

Semen offers a note.

R/A calls for charges ……… NOT ONE comes forward.

POW Rug is up next.

His most favoured are ……

Ferret …….. Seems he feels he could be calling Rug a dumbshit too.

Blowfly …. Pushing in…..in front of the GM.

Pizza ….. Critical of the pasta (nosh)

However he risks breaking Hash rules and gives the POW to a sometimes visitor. Simon from the Hong Kong Hash …….. Better known as Nasty.

The reason for awarding the POW to Nasty…….. Simple !!! “To bring him back next week”

Nasty goes to HOT FAVOURITE to win the POW DD competition….. He drops it in ONE gulp and doesn’t spill a drop. Latrine and Nasty fight out the lead…. Latrine has the timing record however the consumption/spillage level is certainly Nasty’s.

Sir Prince is called for the secret letter comp and confesses to not looking BEFORE it is declared that there wasn’t one this week ….. A DD followes for Sir Prince.

Botcho gives a note.

Trail Master Caustic reminds the pack of the NOT TO BE MISSED Octoberfest next week.

$20 a head for all you can eat and drink with additional entertainment.

DRESS RULES APPLY ……….. Wear something German!!!!

………. Hogan’s Heros springs to mind.

Rumour has it the R/A is coming as a Jewish rabbi.

The V8 Supercar bookie has blamed the “Fuck me the computer crashed” excuse. Real fact is ……. He is holding that much on this one event he cannot lay the bets off anywhere.

Seems there has been a late mail on Semen having some potion he picked up O/S and Cumsmoke has got his hands on it……. Or is that HAND ON IT??

Nasty makes a plea for assistance to take over two runs he is not here for …. Trail master Caustic (how did he get that name ?? ) is quick to note that this is Nasty’s sixth change.

Swollen offers advice on farting on public transport ………. Ferret listens intently!!

Moonbeams calls “END OF CIRCLE”

It’s 9.00 PM on the dot !!!!!!!!

Run: 1717
Hare: Latrine
Location: Labrador
Date: 27th Sept., 2010
Was it the reputation of the Hare for a great Hash run, the whisper of a great nosh, the location of down town Labrador or the chance to win a six pack of German piss that enticed 35 runners to turn up for Latrine’s hash on steroids??

War and peace had nothing on the list of instructions, building the harbour bridge was a snap compared to the logistics and ‘a la carte in the park was a breeze compared to the 5 course nosh. Latrine was always going to deliver 100% hash and he sure did!!

Gathered in the park opposite the Latrine lounge were the expectant 35 runners waiting patiently for the “A” “B” and “C” instructions. Noticed in this group was our R/A Cumsmoke and Sir AH in deep conversation …….. now what do I do with the roller again AH ?? Cumsmoke says … I will need more help later OK it’s a big job and I don’t want to fuck it up!!!

Off into the wilds head the pack with Latrine announcing right on the start whistle that the pack will be back at 8.15 YES 8 (Eight) 15 that’s two hours away. Look for the drink stop and introduce yourself to “Movie-star” to get a cold drink on the way through, look out for hats and Buddas along the way and earn yourself a six pack.

Sure enough the logistics got out of hand as some of the pack got lost ( or quit) heading back to the drink stop and gather in the park. Finally the Swollen ambulance delivered back the “A” to “B” crew at 8.10 pm. The emergency pick up machine went out to gather Movie-star and Swollen with the half full esky … even if it was his ambulance Latrine had bigger things on his mind …. 5 course nosh had poor Swollen way back in the memory bank.

It’s now 8.45 and the nosh is rolling out with our hare doing laps back to the Latrine kitchen in record time, smoked Salmon Canapes with Capers and then quiche Lorraine followed by palate cleansing watermelon pieces with fresh banana. On to main course ….. Chilli Con Carne over rice with garden salad followed by fresh fruit salad. WOW and all that inside budget!!!!!!!!!! THAT’S the TRUTH!!

9.10pm Circle is called.

This week’s sponsor is “Missing Link Lounges” with a most attractive advertising promotion of self indulgence from Link …. seems his sales pitch is “they feel great on your bare arse” or other bits in the same region!!

The Hare is first up……..

Caustic claims to have covered the ‘A”-“B” run and calls it as the best hash run in a VERY long time …. long being the operative word…. seems he went to the Parkwood water tower via Beenleigh. Latrine gets the “Clap” for a great effort!! Bent Banana claimed a twisted ankle and Rug picked up the prize of six German beers for looking up and spotting the hat while all the taller people were ducking under the branches. Swollen found the Budda ( likes attract) Rabbit and Caustic also claimed the same prize with two Buddas Latrine will adjudicate. Swollen gives a note!

Swollen then gives a nosh report and claims the chilli was a “bit too hot” for his delicate palate giving the nosh a VERY harsh score of 7.9/10

GM claimed no fruit salad ………. perhaps that was coz he was back for the third helping of main course????

Old Fart gives a note!!

RETURNING RUNNERS..

Botcho with Bali belly, Bent Banana back from his 1^st class trip with graft for the GM. Stubby been busy for the last six months making billions for the bank. Arse up took 4 months to get back from interhash. Dicky Knee accused of says nasty things about the GM and claimed being a 4 schooner piss pot and not driving the GM

Rockhard gives a note!

VISITORS…

Mirco from Switzerland , Chris and Sean from Melbourne are all guests of Caustic.

Movie (porn) star is a guest of Latrine Lounge Inc.

Caustic gives a note to the dulcet tones of Edelweiss.

LEAVING O/S … Rockhard on the 12^th October …. More later!! See him on the last night at our Octoberfest run NOT TO BE MISSED!!!!

R/A is called arriving NAKED of his papal robes of office.

Charges are called for …….. Swollen claims 3 goals in on the AFL should NOT transfer to double or nothing at SIX goals in …. pays the R/A $10 and calls it quits.

Swollen is back again charging the hare wit totally forgetting him and Moviestar with the heavy esky.

Sir Rabbit is charged with not fronting with the birthday Crownies by Latine …….. Sir Rabbit uses his powers as minister for trivial charges and escapes the ice (for now)

KB is charged by Ferret for “the worst scene in hash in many years” …. using the 4×4 to attend the drink stop!!! Poor Ferret has been miss informed and did not realise the on sec had to transport the poor GM who has a reoccurring hash injury that even stopped him from doing the walk, other members went along to support the GM. KB somehow escapes the ice when the R/A finds a rare moment of compassion.

POW Latrine now gives a 15 minute charge for the next POW!!!

Starting with the hierarchy…..

GM can’t run, KB needed a fill in for the words(Latrine) Caustic no respect for the dick operation of Latrine. Cumagen for NO kegs for weeks. Missing Link for squatting at a fellow hash house.

However he has a MUCH better target ……. (I will try to cover the story as best I can )

The tale started with the splinter lunch and a $50 bottle of wine that Latrine took to give to Sir Slab … the new POW spotted it and said I’ll just have a sip to try it coz I’m driving ….. One full bottle of red later our POW has abandoned driving, designated Latrine to drive and is on a missing to get totally smashed.

Departure from Hooters was some $50 later for our POW and Ferret, then out to the car park for driving lessons for the resident yank ( Quote Yanks can’t drive in Australia) our new POW then proceeds to show Latrine how to get the car out and prangs it!!! Onward to Sir Prince’s place to proceed to burn EVERY Brownie point he has in one visit, urinate in the pool was even mentioned.

( Caustic and Swollen suggest the sun is coming up !!! Latrine is only half way through)

7PM the new POW’s phone rings and he is not capable of answering it so Latrine answers “Dr Andrews emergency ward” Gold Coast hospital. Seems Mrs New POW was not impressed. Latrine says OK I’ll drop you off home if you can promise me Mrs New POW is not there ………. “It’s OK she’s not there” ……….WRONG !!!!

Finally completing a hash run with an umbrella last week topped it off for our new POW !!

Front and centre …POW RUG

Latrine gives a note and Rug drops the POW glass in two gulps (equal second)

Next week’s run Arse up/VD

Swollen claims a new sex position…. sure to catch on our west!!

Circle closed just before sunrise.

A great night in hash!!

On On

KB