Run: 1708
Hare: Flasher & Stubby
Location: Mudgeerabah
Date: 26th July,

The GM Flasher stumbled down the road, covered in blood looking like the result of a poorly planned pack rape. We knew this was not going to be an easy run.

Stubbie patched Flasher with band-aids and we listened with intent to the trials awaiting our run. Goatfarka (welcome back) and Sir Slab kindly left their vehicle interior lights on for the pack to see with. This thoughtfulness was disregarded by the pack and as the jeering ensued, Slab and Goatfarka were called forth to turn off their lights. In a passing moment of Alzheimer’s, Slab didn’t think it was his car despite the SLA88 number plate. Goatfarka’s beast has permanent interior lighting due to an unfortunate Coconut tree accident. Much to the disappointment of the “pull out your light bulb brigade”, Goatfarka disconnected the battery instead.

The run was a beauty, the pack howled together up hill and down dale, through fences, under logs and past residents eating BBQ Lamb dinners. The position of Flashers pack rape was clearly marked with a “Fairy Light Grotto” and a Hare’s only drink stop. Flasher attended the Grotto drinking Champagne and listening to Dave Brubeck’s “Un-square Dance” while the hounds passed by; it can only be assumed that rule one of Hash had been broken and obviously enjoyed by the GM as he was toasting all and sundry with a bashful smile as we passed!

Short cutting Bastards arrived home early only to discover that Cumsmoke had completed the run in a record breaking 1 minute and 53 seconds. He rewarded himself for this effort with 3 packets of cheesels, one packet of chips, a bowl of dip and a Jatz cracker. Stubbie the resident Hare was too pissed to know that Cumsmoke had single handily demolished the packs Houderves and offered him more!!

The pack bantered, consumed ales and food then the circle was called.

No one listened and the circle was called again.

Two Dogs was shaking his head murmuring that the circle hasn’t even started and it’s a debacle already.

Finally, the circle started, Moonbeams seemed to be having a circle of his own with Aussie not knowing what circle he should attend so he went to both.

A yellow card was immediately given to Rock Hard for nothing else other than he was breathing.

The “Pack Raped” GM (still bleeding) called forth the Hares, Stubbie and of course himself. Pommie (not his real name) gave the run the thumbs up as did Girls. Stubbie, as blind as he was still, managed the DD.

Moonbeams circle was still in full swing and despite being called outspoken and rude by the GM, his ranting continued.

Little was said about the nosh even though Aussie had 14 helpings. A mammothly upset Ferrett, noted us all as being ungrateful bastards and gave the nosh 51 out of 10. The pack took this on board and agreed with Ferrett, yes, we are indeed a bunch of ungrateful bastards.

Returning runners were a plenty; Goatfarka, Sir Slab, Aussie, Rainbow and Crocodile – all of them having a swill from the chalice. New runner, the “virgin” Adam was also given a Down-Down for turning up.

Cumsmoke, the resident religious adviser, was called forward and immediately bayed for charging hounds. Moonbeams, not to be mistaken for a blithering idiot, broke from his own circle, entered our circle and proceeded to charge Cumsmoke. I deemed scribing the matter a waste of ink and kept no records.

Crocodile, eager to get someone in trouble, charged Cumagain with not wearing Hash attire. This charge was quickly defused with a strip show, followed by a Down-Down by Crocodile for the false accusation. During the evening it was noted that 7 Hashers entered the circle with hats on, all escaping the wrath of the GM much to the disappointment of the little dobber Aussie.

Platinum card holders were given DD’s for not using them in the manner they should- icings are being prepared for them next week.

Cumsmoke was handing out Down-Downs to all and sundry but ended this when those charged began to die of dehydration. It seems that, despite the training and mentoring program in place at GCHHH Cumagain has continued in poor form with the filling of the DD cups with the moment being lost for most of the accused. Cumagain, due to his constant incompetence, felt he should be permanently relieved of his hierarchy position.

Come forth for your naming! Pommie, alias “Steven Mark Bottomley” has run with hash for 89 years and still has no Hash name. Fortunately for Pommie, the name Arsehole is taken. The committee has thinking caps on and will soon dish out an inappropriate name I am sure.

A sudden hush came over the huddle as P.O.W holder; Sir Prince Valiant stepped into the limelight and proceeded to throw in 3 nominations for the award, Rock Hard, Missing Link and Rock Hard again?! Missing Link apparently told a floundering Prince Valiant at the beginning of a hill run to “Fuck off and harden up” This outburst of unfriendliness however was not enough to win the award which rightly shocked the shit out of all of us. Rock Hard took out the award for International Hash travel infringements and was consequently named P.O.W. Sir Prince specifically noted his pathetically poor packing ability, ridiculous choice in tropical attire (obviously confusing Borneo for Bolivia) and lack of concern for the environment as the A380 jet had to take on board extra fuel to transport Rock Hards shit overseas. Rock Hard completed his down down in style, drinking the ale through a penis shaped device much to the disgust of Josephine. Rule 1, teetering on the edge yet again. Moonbeams decided to close his circle and join ours. Sir AH put us all on notice regarding the Urbenville bike ride from Budds beach to the Spit on Sunday the 29 August, 10 am. More details will follow. Splinter lunch is on, hosted by Two Dogs at Juliana’s Paradise Point. BYO everything except food, corkage unknown, may require a second mortgage.

Next weeks run: Nobby Beach location run called “120 yrs of wisdom” – obviously not a reflection of the two 60 year old Hares putting the run on, it must be regarding something else.

The GM closed the circle and was last seen running, still bleeding, into the bush towards the grotto for an On-On that will most likely leave rule one in tatters forever…

On-On

Goatfarka Standing in for Hash Trash scribe “Kitchen Bitch”.

Run: 1707
Hare: Botcho
Location: His Pad. Helensvale
Date: 19th July, 2010

24 Hashers and one lost soul gathered for the Botcho challenge to the ultimate run.

Last year’s trail master was certainly a challenge to make sure we had NO FUCK UPS …. Well someone forgot to tell miscarriage. Sadly your scribe arrived a minute or two late thanks to the navigational skills of Shat who remembered going to Botcho’s once but got pissed and clearly forgot the way. Shat and KB spread hash goodwill among the patrons of the Helensvale Golf Club and get away with it (so far). So the run details are scratchy.

The outdoor area of Botchos palace on the 10^th tee was a picture with the pizza oven glowing and spreading a warm glow over the pack on their return over the golf course to 50cent beers on tap thanks to the Flash Party generosity and amazing negotiating skills of our booze master Cumagen.

Both light and heavy were available however our virgin keg operator appears to have preferred Mr Wippy frozen offering for the light instead. The pack settled in for a few quiet ones and then a nosh or homemade soup, garlic bread from the oven, then pies, peas, spuds and gravy, followed by something that looked like a dehydrated s#@% but tasted great …. Botcho was later to confess that the baking powder used was only 3 or 4 years past its use by date?????? Hmmmmmmm !!!

One hour into the nosh someone says where is that noisy fucker Misscarriage ??

Who fucking cares was the basic reply……. Moments later the little fellow arrives down the side of the house, cursing all in sight, he claims to have done 3 laps of Helensvale and passed the same caravan on the road 3 times. It appears the cause of the problem was actually a section of long grass on the trail and Miscarriage joined the Fuckarwy tribe. Caring Sir Prince offers profound sympathy with…. “Shut the fuck up …24 others got it right” ………….Miscarriage blames the FRBs

Botcho takes care of poor Miscarriage and gives him the works burger nosh.

Circle is called at 8.45 and the first keg is almost empty.

The Hare Botcho is first in.

Aussie rates the nosh as excellent and Moonbeams offers a note.

GM Flasher asks for comments on the new booze method and it gets a unanimous vote of approval from the pack.

The R/A is called in early by the GM and arrives looking like he has been raiding Blackie’s dress-ups closet and found the ultimate glitz and glamour papal outfit.

He takes over from the Flasher fuck ups and opens with the Holy Ale flop.

Botcho is back in circle for comments on the run and Miscarriage is stymied saving Botcho from certain death, Botcho gets to offer Miscarriage a note and the pair reverse the offering too. Jigsaw complains about the bike on the driveway (should have been looking) and Missing Link offers a note.

All the while Botcho’s pies continue to coooooooook and the R/A mysteriously ends up with his first official cremation ceremony to perform. Pie expert Old Fart gives a note    ( wouldn’t see this at boy scouts he mutters ) Miscarriage gets a DD for shortcutting and Botcho give a note.

A mystery person ….”Peter” is heard to visit the pack and Ferret is called to circle to explain this “normal naming of a hash member” he fails miserably and gets a DD and a note from Blowfly.

R/A calls for charges and Miscarriage is straight into it having been stymied earlier, he is out for revenge and his time in the limelight ( must be the politician in him) Rug cops it for the mess on Botcho’s spotless patio and Aussie gives a note.

KB charges Old Fart and Jigsaw for G#@ text messaging at hash a VERY close breach of “rule one” during the DD puts both of them an the G#@ radar by our secret “rule one” observer.

POW Sir Rabbit is called to pass on this coveted award, Rockhard is nominated for “Fart sharing freely” however the obvious happens and the two sirs … get square with Sir Prince getting the POW for dobbing on his EX mate. Sir Prince christens the new half yard glass with amazing capacity skills.

Rockhard get a DD for picking up a parasite in Bolivia on his recent trip overseas …….. well they both start with a “B” but just a few thousand Ks apart Hmmmmmmmmmm!! Sir Prince offers a note.

Dumbshit and Cumagen confess to birthdays and make the amazing offer of “ CROWNIES ALL ROUND” coming up.

The Joke session starts and Shat, Aussie, R/A Cumsmoke, Dumbshit all feature.

Sir AH announces the bike run is coming up so polish up your trikes guys.

Next week’s run is Stubby and IT IS HIS 60^th BIRTHDAY TO BOOT.

Aussie can’t resist and SUCKS UP to the GM once more with minutes to go!!

Miscarriage announces he has finally thawed out…………Probably from all the warm comforting comments from the sharing and caring pack!!!!!!!!

Circle closes at 9.14pm

On onKB

Run: 1706
Hare: Aussie
Location: Harley Park, Labrador
Date: 12th July, 2010

The new powers of our illustrious R/A Cumsmoke have risen to the unbelievable heights to cause the gods to provide a clear starlit night over Aussie’s run for the first time in five years. Normally a washed out debacle, Aussies run still had the weather threaten to stuff it up with a few arrows washed out late on Monday just so Aussie didn’t feel totally secure.

However the R/A came through with shining colours. 30 Hashers gathered expecting Aussies usual fuck up followed by Aussie pie and peas. Not to be ………. A thousand on backs clearly marked and a fast run through down town Labrador saw Pommie sprinting into the venue gasping for breath cursing the on backs.
A great trail kept the pack together and saw the lot in within 3 minutes. Aussie adjourned to his private bar-b-que to prepare amazing seafood marinara clearly stolen from Charis Bros next door followed by lebbo bread and mum’s recipe filling. Not at all bad from the little AUSSIE battler …. Obviously Show Pony’s classes are working!!!!

8.40PM start for circle gathers the pack.

Sir AH demonstrates the new discipline of the red and yellow cards and introduces the GCHHH gold rewards card program. These cards are of enormous benefit to members and readily available to all who suck up to the GM and the hierarchy with deeds of goodwill.

GM calls for comments on the run ……. Moonbeams calls it a “fuck up” as usual.

Sir Prince calls it as “great” … clearly trying to be the first recipient of the gold card.

Flasher interjects and confirms it IS a fuck up and Prince’s scam fails miserably.

Aussie gets the first yellow card for the night from ref AH and Bent Banana gives the hare a note.

GM welcomes back our international ambassadors from their goodwill tour the interhash and surrounds. Flasher, Sir Prince, Rabbit, Missing Link, Moonbeams, Rockhard, VD, and Ferret are called to the front of the circle. Latrine and Sir Slab are missing with continued duties of Interhash goodwill. Showpony develops selective amnesia when questioned on “surprise-surprise” Sir Prince continues to attempt his ‘Gold Card” quest with gifts for the hierarchy and goes to number one but NO CARD.

On tour comments about Flamingo Club .. Lady boy and a lesbian daughter find Moonbeams claiming total intoxication and zero knowledge of anything???????

Comments on the nosh are called for and Missing Link says “not bad Aussie” after six fuck ups have you finally got it right. Link gives Aussie a 7.5/10. Dicky Knee cops it for running (first time in living memory) to get the nosh before Aussie’s generous helpings of secret herbs and spices. A note is passed by gourmet aficionado Show Pony.

Another attempt at getting value out of the GM’s ghetto blaster has Rock Hard and Missing Link in front the pack reliving a scene from a night-club and “big spender” is echoing across the local area of Labrador ……..another Flasher fuck up follows. Seems stage fright is contagious in hash and our two stunned mullets make a complete “balls” of Flasher’s foray into band management.

GM retreats and calls in the R/A

World Cup comments fall on deaf ears and the R/A starts the night off looking for blood.
Josephine cops it for GM abuse !!!! A SERIOUS offence calling for the initial use of the “TOOL OF HUMILIATION” Dumbshit assists and Josephine is on all fours giving Dumbshit a “blow job” Hmmmmmmmmm !!! Rule one ????

Miscarriage is moved to tell the Tapioca for breakfast tale about a “Cuntuckian” gent the “Reverend” who assisted with his mate’s breakfast juices or something.
—————————Censored ————————————

Botcho and Bung get the first Gold Cards ever issued for excellent sucking to the hierarchy.

POW Miscarriage nominates the on-tour members claiming “inner circle secrets”

Cumagen for his slack first aid,
Sir Prince for his nursing abilities with slipping black drop bears,
Sir Rabbit for his candid camera exploits and Missing Link for his goodwill expertise.

Finally settling on the tour reporter … Sir Rabbit.

Thanks you dobbing C&%# was heard to come from our “wild man from Borneo Rabbit. Nice to see our long serving Sirs with such loving care and respect!!!

Miscarriage gives a note and the piss pot wins again …… 4 goes to get it down and the 100% failure rate to down it continues.

Next week’s run is EX Trail master Botcho ( the pressure is on !!!!) promises of an OFF ROAD RUN with bring a torch offer thoughts of an excellent night.

Cumagen boasts about only turning 50 this week ……… surely as booze master and 50 .. That’s got to see a carton of crownies. Happy Birthday !!!!

Caustic can’t help himself being under 60 himself and makes insulting remarks about “THE OLDER MEMBERS”

Botcho reminds all of the splinter hash lunch at Paradise Point.

9.20 PM circle closes.
9.21
PS.. Thanks Bung !!!!
On Sec
Kitchen Bitch.

Run: 1705
Hare: Jigsaw
Location: Benowa
Date: 5th July, 2010

From one extreme to the other was the arrow count this week Blowfly’s arrows last week were on steroids and it appears the GFC has hit Jigsaw’s coffers pretty hard leaving one piece of school chalk to mark the entire run. People must parked cars on top of them was Jigsaw’s helpless fee. (amazing how they do that in a sealed drainage area) What a “fuck up” “another debacle” echoed around the streets of Benowa as the pack wandered aimlessly looking for the random arrows not to be found or on backs that were more like on-on Oh fucks!! Public relations manager was busy prior to the run sorting out international relationships with a Benowa resident obviously tired from watching the world cup help in her home country and not appreciating our outrageous behavior of shining the torches on the ground. ( Go figure?????) The Neighbor obvious got her own back with a voodoo curse on poor Miscarriage who returned from the run with substantial bark missing from his left arm and knee. Claiming later it was an obstacle course fell un unsympathetic ears and comments about height restrictions on speed bumps were heard to flow from the taller members of the pack. Toughen the fuck up Miscarriage !!
Somehow the pack made it back to the start point and all adjourned to the Jigsaw pad around the corner ( or two) to gather for a few beers and some light hearted banter from Blackstump before an early exit to avoid getting POW that was obviously heading his way. The tale went something like this …….. it appears Blackstump has a real bent toward cross dressing, his excuse to do this was to perform as Pricilla QUEEN of the dessert with his favourite horse trained to the maximum and ready to act on Blackstump”s every command. Well it appears everything was going perfect and Blackie had this horse tuned to perfection. The big day comes and Blackie rolls out with his Lycra gear, fishnet stockings, foils in the hair and a massive flowing cape to top it off. ( How come he’s got all this gear ?????) Well that’s all great, but Blackie has omitted to tell the horse about this. The horse says I’m the fuck outa-here and Blackie ends up arse up in the dust with the crutch torn out of his favorite pair of fishnets and the family jewels dangling in the dust ( Hence the name ….. Blackstump). Hmmmmmm …Rule one of hash Blackie … watch out for the POW .(I think it’s still headed your way

)

Ozzzzie continues to suck up to the GM with special helpings of the fantastic quiche (we can say that as we had French visitors) otherwise it would have been vegetable, bacon and egg slice ( Real men don’t eat quiche .. rule one again.) An executive table of Bent Banana, Miscarriage, Rug and Show Pony is observed in the dining area of the house ……. Rumor has it …. It was Show Pony’s cooking school.
Main course of a pasta with salad and an excellent topping of mushrooms bacon and Jigsaw’s secret herbs and spices sees nominations for “hash of the year” flowing fast. Show Pony is seen sneaking into the kitchen to see how it’s done.(Don’t bother) Jigsaw is clearly watching “masterchef”. Sweets follow with every member of the pack consuming the ginger sauce over ice-cream and ginger biscuit to top off a great effort.
GM gets permission from Josephine to convene circle at 8.45 PM
Jigsaw’s moment of glory with the nosh is about to come crashing down!!!! GM calls for comment on the run. Aussie and Miscarriage both give it a pasting followed by Caustic as trail master giving his usual caustic comments. Mad Mike gives Jigsaw 9.9 for the nosh but it is still not enough to save him from the debacle of a run. Jigsaw gets iced ( Not a pretty sight) Caustic gives a note and Jigsaw takes a DD.
Our French visitor “Holy Nun” and his unmentionable are called to circle and promptly pose for a “santa shot” with our iced member. Shut up Jigsaw say GM ….. I’ll fix this !!!!!! Then Jigsaw gets “boned” Holy Nun turns out to be the original “ I’ve been everywhere man” including running the Gold Coast marathon in two hours even. Bent Banana gives a note … all three get a DD
Returning runners are Show Pony …. Been running with border hash. Also Miscarraige …….. Been in Phuket inspecting temples and spreading goodwill. Two Dogs strikes a note and Jigsaw is OFF THE ICE.
GM announces that the GM is not there to entertain the pack each week ……. In fact the pack is there to entertain the GM. So starting this week he expects to be entertained. He claims on Saturday night Botcho came out of the closet (Hmmmmmmmm !! What does that mean??) So now he is expected to sing to some canned music GM has found in some opp-shop somewhere. Not the same when you’re sober ….. another fuck up !!!!!!!! Botcho’s forgotten the words and stage fright has set in big time.
GM calls for the R/A who immediately calls for charges.
Miscarriage is straight out of the blocks making remark to the ancestry of the arguing neighbor, only to discover that Caustic has the same South African background, ex wife or something ( Hence the name …….. Caustic) Holy Nun gets roped in too and numerous soccer jokes flow from the gathering, much to the amusement of the pack (GM is happy …… he’s been entertained) Dunmbshit gives a note.

POW Josephine is called to circle and declares Blackie was a “cert” but he has scampered.

Next in line are hierarchy members Cumagen … fucked up the booze !! Hash Cash …… a limp protest about extra fees. R/A for being a “nutter”( we all know that) and wearing stockings borrowed from Blackie. Even a major swipe at the GM … something about the G#@ (can’t print it) mardi gras (Hmmmm!!! Might be the hat ???)
However the vote went to Miscarriage ……… seems wanting to put your bone in Jigsaw’s mouth and an interesting time in the Merchant Navy has Miscarriage a strong contender for breaking “rule one”
Josephine gives a note and yet another member fails to finish the piss pot in one go…. 4 out of 4 so far!!!

A touching moment followed with a reuniting of four of the seven dwarfs gathered for a photo opportunity.

Next week’s run is Aussie ……. Bring your wet weather gear …….it ALWAYS rains on Aussies run!!!!!!
Harley Park opposite Charis seafoods in picturesque downtown Labrador.

Circle closed….. 9.20 PM
On On
Kitchen Bitch, On Sec