Run: 1701 AGPU
Hare: Hierarchy
Location: Broadbeach
Date: 7th June, 2010

Hash Trash AGPU 2010

The winter chills of a brisk June evening saw the pack huddled in the Broadbeach Park prior to 6pm to make sure the fictitious bus would not leave without them. Members of the “rat pack” adjourned for the mandatory pre AGPU beer at Moo Moo, Swollen in his 3XL shirt looked more like a wayward schoolgirl than a hashman, promises to “keep his clothes on this year were met with some mirth and comments of “doesn’t matter anyway” cascade across the bar. Calls of “where’s the fucking beers “start to echo across the park

However the guise of the fictitious bus proved simple to be a ploy of the outgoing hierarchy to ensure all noted the arrival in style of the hierarchy in a further contribution to “the black hole” along with two suitably endowed assistants for the night that followed.

Your scribe will attempt to recall from the alcoholic fog and no notes the events of the 2010 AGPU.

The pack was led off by able trailmaster Botcho across four sets of lights and cross roads to arrive at Valentinos restaurant located some 20 metres from the original gathering point. Crown lager flowed like water and plates of anti pasta were consumed by the forty odd gathered on the pavement. It is already apparent that a couple of members had started their AGPU celebrations a little earlier, Pizza is already talking Swahili.

Nasty plays “Cinderella” with the GM’s hat looking for a likely candidate. Flasher’s 16 year old pith hat goes missing, KB gets the blame.

The pack adjourns to the restaurant private room built for 20 …. But no complaints as the two assistants have difficulty reaching through the gaps. Miscarriage and his twin are finally reunited, Latrine sculls his first bottle of red and Pizza is talking more shit. We are off to a flying start!! Pussy Boy has an unfortunate incident as the chair supporting him and an assistant attempting to wipe something off either side of his nose collapses under “the load”. Minutes later Dumbshit has a completely solo attempt at the same stunt, destroying the restaurant’s chair (more black hole). The noise is unbearable …. Ferret’s happy, he forgot the hearing aid. Camera shots prevail, Latrine’s on the second, Croc’s looking a bit strange, Dicky Knee breaks the diet, the maitre de attempts to read the menu, Cum Smoke gets noisier.

Flasher’s hat’s gone again … Dumbshit has it in safe custody.

The first round of awards is handed out to a roar of comments to all nominees.

Best run goes to …………Circumference

Best virgin run goes to………… Pussy Boy/Hitler

Most runs goes to………… Sir Rabbit

Best nosh goes to …………Kitchen Bitch

Worst nosh goes to …………Show Pony

Serial offender goes to ………….Cum Smoke

Greatest debacle goes to …………Aussie

Hashman of the year goes to ………… Kitchen Bitch

Hash service award over and above the call of duty goes to………… Botcho

The night continues …………..

Moonbeams can’t hear over the noise and more shit from Pizza, Main course arrives, Latrine gets scolded by the assistants for his red stash under the table, Croc’s deteriorating fast, Hash quite is the impossible plea from GM Nasty, Swollen part breaks the pledge to keep his clothes on, Assistants put a new meaning to “nipple rings”, Latrine’s asleep.

Moonbeams departs, Cum Smoke has got to 134 decibels, Private Dicky Knee has hat on backwards for racing, Blowfly watches the booze black hole blow out to enormous proportions, Flasher’s hat is totally missing, Two Dogs breaks into a cold sweat … GM announcement is coming up, Caustic takes over Latrines red tasting duties, Mumbles and Pizza now understand each other perfectly, VD offers the assistants some advise on Thai dancing and cultural aspects, Assistants have little regard for VD’s opinion, VD offers advice to younger members, younger members have little regard for VD’s opinion, Croc is officially pissed, Assistants depart, Sir Prince calls for Hash Quite and the room drops to a hush…………………. It’s time for the hierarchy announcements.

The Hierarchy Oscars are announced as follows.

Minister for loose ends ………….. Sir AH

On Sec ………….. Kitchen Bitch (F#@&)

Trail Master ……………… Caustic Crusader

Booze Masters ……………. Goat Farker/Cumagen

Religious Advisor …………… Cum Smoke

GRAND MASTER ……………….. FLASHER !!!!!!!!

With the formalities over it was time for a serious bout of Cum Smoke with his newly found powers, working on the old adage “if the shoe fits wear it” our new religious Advisor was in full flight in association with the new GM Flasher ……. down downs and the new innovation for 2010-11 “ICE BUCKETS” were dished out to unruly members including EX GM Nasty.

WELL DONE to Nasty and all Nasty party Hierarchy on an excellent Hash year!!!!!

The evening’s entertainment concluded with a superb display of pole dancing from officially pissed Croc, Cum Smoke headed off to the “big house”, Nasty went home sober, Pizza and Mumbles are in love, Flasher’s hat mysteriously turns up, Flasher decides he doesn’t need it coz he has brand new shiny one now, KB gets the hat, and that’s the end of that.

On On …….. KB.

Run: 1970
Hare: VD
Location: Palm Beach
Date: 31st  May, 2010

“Maaaaaate!” said  VD over the phone in a slightly panicked voice at 5.30 last Monday night.”The powers been off all day and I am half way through cooking the nosh. Can you pick up 40 pencils on your way to hash?” With that VD hung up abruptly leaving me to consider my options. Could I do a lightning strike on the Keno area at Burleigh Bowls Club and get away with it? Then I remembered that anal bitch of a manager I used to have(I’m not bitter) who was never comfortable without 5 years supply of stationary and, casting aside dark and murderous thoughts, realised I had plenty of writing implements within my relocated home office.

At the On On  site a much calmer VD handed out the questions that would have the pack traverse the attractive surrounding area in search of answers. One of the questions involved a bucket(was it Pink, Purple or Green?)and  another related to how many pylons for the bridge(very disappointing that no hashers swam under the bridge to count)Due to logistical problems the bucket did not make it to the designated spot. However it did have a nice walk with Flasher around the headland.

His Eminence and Grand Master, Nasty, called the circle after a conversation stopping nosh of marinara in a beautiful red sauce followed by lamingtons and birthday cake from the GM himself. A very good feed indeed.

To begin proceedings Two Dogs returned the GM’s headdress and pondered if it had been left behind at his pad as some kind of hint. VD was called in to the circle and received a barrage of comments including “not hash tonight” from Botcho whilst Josephine called it  “the car rally run” .In his defence VD remarked that he “thought it a good idea to show young blokes that you can do things differently.” Staying on track he awarded prizes to the joint winners Bung and Cameron. Bung liked the run as a winner would and Cameron thought it was a good concept .Asked by the GM what he thought of the nosh Pussy Boy replied “spectacular, today or tomorrow.” The hare enjoyed a Down Down.

Also partaking of DD’s were Sir Slab and Two Dogs for pushing in front of the GM in the nosh queue. Point Two was commended for standing back.

Moving along the GM called out all those who had been on committee in the last 5 years. As this was most of the circle Cum Smoke noted that calling out those who had done anything would be more effective.

“Innocent recipient” Caustic Crusader was invited into the circle as incumbent Prick of the Week and immediately listed as candidates Rainbow (no Friends)Flasher(bucket logistics failure) and Rug(looking cold)but settled on Cameron for taking 2 gulps to get a down down  down.

Minister for Loose Ends, Sir Prince Valiant, then informed the circle that a certain hasher had defaced the National Park and used his question paper for other purposes. Tasting the retrieved evidence, diligently provided by Rainbow, Sir Prince went fi,fi,fo , declared it English and called out the ex-Englishman present. Pommy,Mumbles and Rug all stepped forward with Mumbles forced to acknowledge he was “guilty as charged.”as the defecating defacer.

Next came the birthday boys Josephine(52)and the GM(the big 50)Josephine told how the GM mentioned his party some weeks ago in an inebriated moment but forgot to actually invite him. Miscarriage charged Sir Rabbit with new shoes and the

fact that the tags were still on them was a dead give away .Sir Rabbit enjoyed a DD as did Caustic who was charged by Kitchen Bitch as being ”dyslexic and useless” as a navigator. Botcho charged Ferret with locking his keys in the boot and calling the RACQ without trying the drivers door. Josephine tried to influence the GM to make Ferret have his DD out of his Ugg boots.

Miscarriage gave himself a note after being charged by Pussy Boy for not singing and went on to describe his experience as the designated driver for Gordy, the GM’s father, at the recent splinter lunch and birthday occasion.After having some trouble with wheelchairs and automatic doors he deposited Gordy in the dining room at the nursing home only to be set upon by Nurse Ratchett who was unamused as to his state. She said she would have to medicate Gordy and probably thought she would like to do it to  Miscarriage.

The evening concluded with Caustic and Kitchen Bitch giving a little dissertation on torches and VD informing the circle that Madamoiselle Latrine was injured after falling from his bike. We hope it’s not too serious.

Thanks to VD for an “interesting run” and a brilliant nosh.

Thanks also to Rug and Cum Smoke for stepping up in my rare absences and thanks to any who may have read these words over my tenure.

As it is still undecided as to the next On Sec all participants at next week’s AGPU are advised to bring pen and paper(the memory won’t work)in case they need to report on said magnificent event.

On On

Now Loved

On Sec.

Run: 1699
Hare: Two Dogs
Location: Runaway Bay
Date: 24th May, 2010

The pack gathered at  Two Dogs’s waterfront kennel for the last run from this iconic site. After the run/walk and a few drinks a nosh of gourmet sausages ,with all the trimmings, was served. Resident barbeque maestro, Kitchen Bitch, cooked those little puppies to perfection. An excellent feed was rounded out with fruit salad and ice cream.

Once all appetites were satiated, except for Cum Smoke who doesn’t have a stop button, The Dear Leader and Grand Master, Nasty, called the circle and immediately offered advice to Dumshit to never follow Flasher or Mumbles. Dumshit liked the run so much he almost did it twice. Mumbles went past the police station twice  and became the ventriloquist doll for Botcho when explaining his reasons.This did not satisfy the GM and earned him a Down Down.

The GM then turned his attention to VD who had been out west and managed to get his Range Rover bogged near Camerons Corner. The GM was surprised that VD did not know that Rangeys were never to be taken off road. The next target was Kitchen Bitch who was ailing with “rooters rick”,a back complaint associated with Viagra. Also in the firing line was Madamoiselle Latrine, who had been spotted on the run for the last four weeks but failed to make it to the On On. Latrine explained he was worried as to the quality of the DD’s and embellished his with his wine to underline the point. The above mentioned hashers enjoyed a DD.

Also a candidate was returning runner Flatulence who blamed work and a virus for his absence. Medical expert Cum Smoke remarked that “he had Parkinsons but shook it off.”Whilst on the medical theme it emerged that VD had suffered a knee problem on the walk and had to borrow a knee brace from Dicky Knee to make it back. The situation was so dire they both had to repair to a local tavern in search of medication at the “runners Bar”. Both were awarded a DD.

The Prick of the Week was called for which was held by Two Dogs as proxy for Goat Farka, who was away enjoying the very non-Asian delights of 1770.Perrenial incumbent Caustic Crusader was the nominee for running through an on back. The bag is missing and Dumshit assured the GM he would return it.As the whereabouts of the bag is becoming a recurring problem the hierarchy have decided to fit it with a GPS.

The venue for the splinter lunch was discussed and the GM promised crownies to mark his 50^th birthday. The last time the venue was in Surfers the GM(then a normal citizen)was refused re-entry to Melba’s and could only look on as those inside enjoyed his very expensive round of crownies.

The GM then took Rainbow to task because on a recent trip to Launceston he had discovered that there were more than 6 sets of traffic lights.  Kitchen Bitch said Rainbow had shown him the scar where his second head had been removed and Rainbow cleverly retorted he had chosen the one he kept because the other looked like KB..

In closing the GM awarded Two Dogs with a DD in recognition of the passing of the kennel as a popular On On site. Well done Two Dogs and Mrs. Dogs It was suggested that it be written into the sale contract that the hash have bi-annual visiting rights.

Next weeks run is to be set by VD somewhere south of Tallebudgera Creek. Those from the north are reminded to check that their visas are in order. Expect a different format and a five star nosh. This is also the last run before the AGPU.

Many thanks to Two Dogs for a great night.

On On

Now Loved.

On Sec.

Run: 1698
Hare: Rug
Location: Arundel
Date: 17th May, 2010

Nasty, our illustrious Grand Master, opened the circle by musing that his popularity was slipping like that of KRudd. Why he should think this remains a mystery and he did not elaborate although it is well known that all great men have moments of self doubt.

Moving on he called out the Hare, Rug, and said he thought it was a good run. Sir Slab offered that it was “very, very good use of territory available” .Bent Banana who “was not whinging” chimed in that there should have been more arrows and the GM got to the beer stop as Rug drove away .It was a very good beer stop of homebrews, to my taste the 47 being superior to the 27.This time Rug wisely chose not to use an attractive Russian emigré as hostess in case it led to a repeat of the now infamous phone-in-the-canal episode.

Two Dogs commented that it was “a bit hard to find the arrows” and that a little shortcutting pack led by Swollen Colon had disappeared from the main bunch. Called out SC had nothing to say except that the nosh could have been better. He was the first to enjoy a Down Down.

Ferret proudly announced that his son had done 1800 kilometres and raised $16,000 in a charity event and that he had lunched with Maggs who sends his regards.

One big event of the evening was the return of Goat Farka and the GM could no longer ignore his presence, standing as he was in a tiara .This was part of his costume from the Saigon “Queens Birthday” run. Goatie  turned up complete with pearls and  handbag to discover that he was the only one in costume.   Otherwise he said Asia was a “shithole ”and that Pol Pot should have finished off the job in Cambodia, the Yanks should have bombed Laos out of existence and the tried harder to beat Uncle Ho in Vietnam. Such a rewrite of history may see him awarded the Pauline Hanson medal for cultural sensitivity. He was joined in a DD by other returning runners Swollen Colon who blamed “work, work and more work” for his absence, Cum Agen who offered the same excuse and Tom(progeny of Sir Prince)who has been overseas for 3 years. Interjections from the circle included Caustic Crusader who said SC was really a mascot for the Finks and Sir Prince who was “happy he(Tom) did not come home with a Pommy scrubber.” Miscarriage charged Tom with new shoes but this backfired when Sir Prince reminded him he had forgotten his wedding anniversary for the 22^nd year in a row.

The second important occasion was the naming of Regan. Introduced to hash via Mrs.Bilge Pump the GM was amused to reason that the hash naming lineage of keeping water out of boats must be maintained and cleverly introduced Regan to the circle as ”Bung”. Welcome to hash Bung and may you always be in place so the bilge pumps don’t have to work.

Further proceedings were Miscarriage charging Jigsaw with putting a Euro coin in the bucket and Botcho charging Crocodile with getting the guilts and admitting he owed $12.Botcho also charged Bent Banana with signing an email critical of the heirarcy as “anonymous”. Mumbles charged Circumference with leading him astray and causing him to fall into a ditch and cut his hand(another job for Leech and Leech) and Aussie charged Blowfly with road rage against a fellow hashman.The result of all these accusations was a DD to Bent Banana and Circumference.

The Prick of the Week was called out which was a proxy from Hitler via Pussy Boy.

Candidates were the entire Rat Pack, Aussie, Girls and Crocodile .However ,the winner was Goat Farka for going away for 3 months and coming back in 3 weeks wearing a tiara. In accepting the “prize” GF sang a clever ditty to the tune of “Jake the peg.”

Wrapping things up the GM gave Caustic a DD for general GM abuse and trying to increase the numbers of the rat pack for a putsch in the future. Cicumference announced he was back up north to Cairns this time to “be a bum on a seat”.

The splinter lunch is on 28 May at “Flames” and next weeks run is from the kennel of Two Dogs .Expect the usual fine dining.

Thanks to Rug for a good effort and the Grand Master for an amusing and fluid circle.

On On

Now Loved.

On Sec.